Desperate Speculative

All My Friends
A One-Act Play

“I’ve got all my friends: Will [Smith], Kanye [West]…” – Tom Cruise sharing the contents of his iPod with US Weekly, June 12, 2006.
Tom Cruise: Ye dog!
Kanye West: Who dis?
Cruise: It’s Cruise Control, baby!
West: T.C.? Shiiiiiit. What up, dawg? I didn’t recognize your number on my caller ID.
Cruise: Of course you didn’t, K. I have all my calls encrypted and re-directed through seven satellites positioned over each continent. You can never be too safe, man. Especially with a new baby.
West: Word. Word. How is little Suri?
Cruise: Who? Oh, right. She’s awesome, Kanye! Awesome! Fatherhood is so amazing, man! The pictures of her are so cute. Hey, did you see Mission broke some records at the box office?
West: Congratulations.
Cruise: Thanks. We’re all really proud. J.J. did a great job. So what if it’s not Da Vinci numbers. You know what? Every movie can’t be War of the Worlds. Who wants it to be, you know?
West: What’s that crying, man? Is that Suri?
Cruise: Naw, dog. It’s Katherine. She’s been a little emotional since the baby.
West: Give her my best, man.
Cruise: Thanks. Thanks, Ye. So, you must be asking yourself, Why’s Cruise Control calling me?, right, dog?
West: Mmmm.
Cruise: I wanted to see if you got the literature I sent you.
West: Yeah. Yeah, I got it.
Cruise: And?
West: And I’ll read it. I’m in the studio this week, but I’ll read it, man.
Cruise: I really think the Technology can take you to the Next Level, Ye. Next level!
West: I hear ya, Tom. But, you know, I’m all about the church, man. My big hit was “Jesus Walks,” remember?
Cruise: Remember? I love that song, Ye! I especially like how un-glib it is.
West: T., that crying’s getting awfully loud, man. Is Katie alright?
Cruise: Katherine.
West: Is Katherine alright?
Cruise: The thing is, Kanye: The Technology in no way conflicts with Christianity. Nic was a Catholic and she followed Hubbard’s teachings. And she got an Oscar for The Hours. See, that’s what I’m talking about when I say ‘Next Level,’ Ye.
West: Yeah. I’ll read the stuff you sent, Tom.
Cruise: Atta boy, Ye! And I’m here to explain anything. If you need someone to meet up with you and talk about this stuff wherever you are, there’s usually a really smart person in every major city. Or within flying distance. I think of you as a good friend, Ye, and I want you to get to the Next Level, man. I’m talking the Isaac Hayes Level, bro. Black Moses!
West: Thanks, Tom. I appreciate your help. Listen, man. I gotta run. Also, it sounds like Katie’s really losing it over there. You might wanna go talk to her.
Cruise: You mean Katherine. And, oh, that’s not her. I actually left the house a few minutes ago. I’m on the way to the Center in the Escalade. I’m watching some possible extras for the Mission III DVD. God, J.J. did such a good job, man.
West: A’ight, T.C. Holla at ya’ boy.
Cruise: What? Suri’s a girl, dog.
West: Yeah. I know. It’s just an expression, man. It’s like ‘Aloha.’ You say it when you say goodbye or hello or what’s up. Well, listen, I gotta bounce. Later, Tom.
West hangs up.
Cruise dials another number.
Cruise: Big Willie Smith! Holla at ya’ boy, dog!
Will Smith: Yo, who dis?