It’s Must Repent TV!

In yesterday’s New York Times, the paper’s Hollywood scribe Sharon Waxman shows how the success of Mel Gibson’s The Passion of the Christ has given the former action star a newfound ability to effectively greenlight and produce a number of his own projects. (In addition to turning water into wine on cue.) Waxman writes that “Mr. Gibson’s Icon Productions will have no fewer than three prime-time television series on the networks’ fall schedule: ‘Clubhouse’ on CBS, ‘Savages’ on ABC and ‘Kevin Hill’ on UPN.”
When detailing the nature of these projects, however, Ms. Waxman, regrettably, left out specifics regarding the shows’ content, save for a few bullet points here and there.
What follows, then, is our exclusive insider guide to Icon Productions’ fall television lineup, praise be He:
CLUBHOUSE
Airing this fall on CBS
Marc Donato portrays a New York teenager who becomes a batboy for the Yankees. Sounds sort of tedious and Wonder Years-ish, right? Wrong…this tale’s been Gibsonized! Herod, or “Harry”, as he’s better known in the clubhouse, first acquired fame in the New York tabloids as the product of an immaculate conception at North Central Bronx Hospital fifteen years earlier. The adolescent Harry, who now notoriously has quasi-biblical powers, comes to the attention of Yankees owner George Steinbrenner, who, in the series opener, is embroiled in a payroll accounting scandal, and in an effort to redeem himself in the eyes of God (and the New York media), hires young Harry to provide redemption for not just “this tired old Jew,” but the entire team of sinners, as well.
And, thankfully, things shape up for the team pretty fast under Harry’s guidance. When not providing the home plate umpire with new baseballs, or making sure Alex Rodriguez’s batting gloves are well-oiled, Harry has the opportunity to counsel Jason Giambi on the perils of ingesting “Satan’s Unnatural Poisons” in his effort to hit more home runs, and coaxing team captain Derek Jeter into giving up his womanizing ways after a nasty encounter with Satan’s Temptress, played by the enchanting Rebecca Romijn. And when the Subway Series reprises itself during sweeps week, Mets catcher (and notorious homosexual) Mike Piazza learns that a good man is, indeed, hard to find, and subsequently falls in love with Harry’s aunt, Seraphia, a former lesbian also cured by God’s love.
SAVAGES
Airing this fall on ABC
Keith Carradine plays a single, working-class dad raising five sons. Pretty straightforward, huh? Well, need we remind you that this, too, has been Gibsonized? Keith plays Papa Barabbas, a former missionary in Peru, who has adopted five Incan boys as his own and now must go about raising them in the suburbs of Chicago, all alone. Diehard missionaries and men of God, after all, can’t take a wife, which wreaks havoc on his blue-collar neighborhood after Barabbas forcefully renounces the advances of special guest star Bonnie Hunt.
And on the homefront, despite Barabbas’ background in converting South Americans to Christianity, things are both difficult and hilarious for him as he tries to get his boys to stop speaking to each other in their native Quechua dialect. His sons, however, grow more and more flustered as they struggle with urban colloquialisms such as “What’s up?” and “True, dat.”
KEVIN HILL
Airing this fall on UPN
Former up-and-coming actor Taye Diggs settles into the role of a high-powered lawyer forced to become a father figure overnight when his cousin tragically perishes, leaving him with custody of a baby girl. Mel Gibson, a noted misogynist, initially balked at the idea of adapting the films Mostly Martha and Raising Helen into a television series, until the newfound mini-mogul realized he could retain the central character’s ineptitude and inherent feminine dishonesty by transposing her character traits onto a whole new sort of “other,” a black male protagonist. (On-set reports indicated that the Lethal Weapon star actually had trouble distinguishing Taye from his former co-star Danny Glover, until a representative for Mr. Diggs courteously stepped in and insisted that Gibson please stop calling his lead “Danny”.)
Regardless, hilarity ensues when papa Taye, in the course of changing diapers, erroneously runs out of Pampers and has to “make do” with a copy of the Ten Commandments. God bless that baby’s bottom!