God’s Omnipotent Smite List (3rd edition)

Christ, God’s a busy sumbitch, so please forgive Him for neglecting His editorial duties here at low culture for the past several months. When He was last made available to us to proffer his eminent Smite List, things were going quite poorly in Iraq, there were genocidal concerns in Sudan, and Democratic presidential candidate John Kerry had failed to establish a concrete position on the United States’ role in international and domestic affairs.
Thankfully, things have changed for the better since then, and now that his Son has become a major box office draw, and continues to command the interest of the electoral masses as his Holy Vessel (Catholic Division®) is paid visits by the American President, God has more time for Himself with which to erupt and set forth His metaphorical Vesuvius.
Hear ye, cretins, this be the word of God!
Thee Who Shalt be Smitten (on this, the Third Day)
penned by He who remains embedded in the Pledge of Allegiance
1. Vice President Dick Cheney: Richard, my forsaken son, you have lied in my name time and again, and I have turned a blind eye. I even hoped you’d have taken the hint regarding this matter when I made clear that there has never been worthwhile evidence for your conflation of the al Qaeda operation and Saddam’s regime. But then, just yesterday (many months, if not years, after I dispelled this nonsense, or thought I had), you lied again, in public, to actual, living people, and said, regarding Saddam, “He had long established ties with al Qaeda.” Richard, this was June 14, 2004, and you said this in the context of a campaign speech. In keeping with this insouciance, Richard, I condemn thee to an eternity of being bound and tied to Osama bin Laden, once I find him.
2. Sec. of Defense Donald Rumsfeld: Seriously, Donald, though you rarely, if ever, invoke me by name, I’m nonetheless sick to fucking death of these needless wars you’ve embarked my people upon. And your title! You’re like the Secretary of War, with Ridge more appropriately staffing the Defense position. Come the fuck on. After the photos of torture in Abu Ghraib and other anonymous leaks that I brought to my good friend Sy Hersh (while wrapped in angel feathers and standing atop a fire-borne chariot so as to not draw attention to myself amidst the melee that is Washington), I was certain you’d resign, or perhaps be fired, the latter of which would have allowed you and your family to partake of six months of unemployment checks. Instead, despite your superbness, I shall have to smite thee.
3. Sec. of State Colin Powell: Come on, Colin, I’ve sat on my jewel-bedecked couch with bated breath (and quills in hand) on many occasions over the past months, confident you’d come forth and spill those secrets about the Bush Administration’s dishonest and criminal behavior that only you, me, and your bosses know about, but since it would be considered bad form for me to use Richard Clarke and Paul O’Neill as mouthpieces yet again to get this information out (though I did enjoy it the first two times, I must admit), I’d been relying on your supposed conscience to take care of things. Alas, you’ve proven yourself to be quite the noble tool, subtly implying that you’ll be leaving the Administration next year, but not going so far as to give American voters reason to force this process upon you, say, were they to vote your boss out of office this fall due to information you might have shared with the populace. So noble, you simpering coward.
4. Insurgents, Terrorists, Fedayeen et al: I’ve said this before, chumps, but cut this shit out, and I mean it this time. You’re not just taking out contractors and soldiers who are a part of the Occupying Powers, you’re harming innocent civilians, too, which doesn’t make you any better than the American armed forces who drop bombs on wedding parties or whatnot and then try to justify it post-haste. Regardless, I’m going to have to force the whole lot of you to consort for time immemorial with my boy Richard, mentioned above.
5. Kevin Shields: Hey, I like discordant music, OK? A deity can only listen to well-tuned harps for so long, and as I fear that Armageddon approacheth, I would hope that you would hurry up with those My Bloody Valentine rarity box sets you’ve been promising fans for some time now. Their having to wait until 2005 or 2006 is inexcusable, however. I understand that I could remedy this myself through various means, of course, but after my experience with the years-in-the-making — but nonetheless rushed-feeling — New Order Retro box set, I learned it was best to stay out of such things. Creative genius does not come from above, contrary to conventional wisdom or whatever you may have learned from Grammy acceptance speeches.
6. President Ronald Reagan: What, am I missing something here? Why are you looking at me like that?