Categories
Shallow

Naming names

davidmamet-spartan.jpgSpartan is the name of David Mamet’s new movie. It’s called Spartan, this movie. It’s out Friday. This David Mamet movie, it’s got stars like Val Kilmer, Derek Luke, and William H. Macy. He’s no first-timer, William H. Macy.
The story, well, the plot, is about a kidnapping. This plot is intense. The story, too. The plot and the story, they’re both very intense, they’re very fucking intense.
And the title. Spartan. This title got us thinking. It’s a play on words, this title. A description of the main character, right? But also Mamet’s style, the style everyone calls Mametian. Which is easy to make fun of, right? But at least he’s being honest about it. What if other directors did the same? These other guys, see, they’d put it all out there, honest to the world.
Brett Ratner: Base
Michael Bay: Epileptic
Mel Gibson: Intense
Peter Jackson: Long
Martin Scorsese: Rote
Michael Mann: Remote
Robert Altman: Old
Steven Spielberg: Employed
Nora Ephron: Palatable
Coen Brothers: Sinking
Spike Lee: Declining, but still shot-through with vitality and inventiveness despite annoying public persona and occasional lapses into self-parody
Peyton Reed: Candy
Steven Soderbergh: Fluctuating
David Fincher: Dark
David O. Russell: Difficult
Terrence Malick: Slow
David Gordon Green: Green
Alexander Payne: Nebraskan
Kevin Smith: Insipid
Wes Anderson: Precious
Paul Thomas Anderson: Florid
Lars von Trier: Rigid
Lynne Ramsay: Oblique
Vincent Gallo: Narcissistic
Rose Troche: Lesbian
Lisa Cholodenko: Experimental
Michel Gondry: Dreamy
Spike Jonze: Hip
Sofia Coppola: Coached
Roman Coppola: Bitter

Categories
Shallow Soundproof

Our last-ever post on matters concerning the Grey Album, we promise

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This, despite the fact that the latest Rolling Stone rehashes the EMI-versus-artistic freedom issue yet again. That’s roughly three consecutive issues of America’s most revered rock, er, lad, er, rock magazine that have documented DJ Danger Mouse’s travails of late (isn’t there some expression about “beating a dead mouse” or somesuch cliche?).
Nope, this particular post is for those obsessive souls who took their LPs of the Beatles’ White Album and played John Lennon’s incoherent utterances backwards, until they were able to discern that Paul was, in fact, dead.
Get out your copy of Danger Mouse’s Grey Album or, if you downloaded it, work with the MP3 files directly. Acquire a freeware audio editor. Take the eleventh track, “Interlude,” and reverse it. Sit back and pray as you listen to the track which follows, whose lyrics we’ve helpfully transcribed for you:

“6…6…6…Murder, murder Jesus…6…6…6…
Leave ni**as on death’s door.
Murder, murder Jesus…6…6…6.”

Of course, we all know that “asterisk” sounds awfully garbled when spoken either forward or in reverse, so you may want to substitute those asterisks mentioned above for the letter G. Just a su**estion.

Categories
Grave

Hey, sorry about that whole unlawful imprisonment thing

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Yesterday’s big news in the War on Terror (or, more likely, small news, if, like us, you’re still focusing the lion’s share of your attention on Martha’s impending lockdown) was the return of five British prisoners to the U.K. on Tuesday, after their having spent the past two years in American custody in Guantanamo Bay. Two years of imprisonment, mind you, without having been charged with a crime, save for some vague language about “enemy” this, “combatant” that.
Here’s the stunning aspect of this case, however: while four of the men are still being questioned about their activities in Afghanistan, one of the prisoners in question, a mere few hours after landing on his home soil, was released from custody yesterday. This from the Guardian:

A fifth man, Jamal Udeen, also known as Jamal al Harith, from Manchester, was released without charge last night. His solicitor Robert Lizar said his client wanted the US authorities to “answer for the injustice which he has suffered”.

Just who is this vile terrorist/enemy combatant that was in some way indirectly responsible for the events of September 11th, 2001? The Guardian continues:

The 36-year-old convert, who was born Ronald Fiddler, left Manchester to go backpacking in Pakistan in September 2001. Within three weeks, coalition forces had found him in jail in Kandahar, Afghanistan; he said the Taliban had jailed him, believing he was a spy.

Injustice, indeed. This huge credibility gap in the U.S. government’s assertions on progress made in the War on Terror™ apparently doesn’t warrant coverage in the Times, the Post, or any other American media outlet. Oh, wait, my bad: there’s this Reuters story linked from the Times’ website.
What does the Reuters piece assert?

If all five are freed without charge, as some lawyers are predicting, the government may face questions on why it had taken more than two years to get them out. With tabloid newspapers eagerly competing for rights to their stories, the “Guantanamo Five” have a ready-made platform to vent anger.

Five down, and 600 to go.

Categories
Grave Unintentionally Hilarious

Unintentionally Hilarious Photo of the Moment, vol. 16

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Categories
Grave

CNN: Again with the wink and the nod

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OK, so they’ve done this before, and they’ll likely do it again…but you have to wonder. Is this web publishing software trying too hard?
(with thanks to Jeff)

Categories
Grave

217 years (and zero quills) later

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Pictured, L to R: a scene from today’s delayed signing of Iraq’s post-invasion temporary constitution, and a scene from the September 1787 signing of the post-liberation United States’ constitution.

Categories
Grave

Get well soon (our meanest-spirited post ever)

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Awww, John…We hear that you’ve been hospitalized with a bout of the ol’ gallstone pancreatitis, and for that, we’re truly sorry. We are, however, thankful that you have healthcare, unlike millions of uninsured Americans. And, if worse comes to worse, we’re sure you can find someone to help foot the bill, as you did when you were merely a senator from Missouri in the 1990s:

“Between 1994 and 1998 the pharmaceutical industry, insurance industry and various anti-consumer healthcare lobbies paid out nearly $1 million in contributions to Ashcroft’s reelection campaign. Ashcroft returned the favor on multiple occasions: Four times in the last year he voted against prescription-drug benefits for Medicaid recipients; twice he helped kill the bipartisan Patients’ Bill of Rights, which would have allowed consumers to sue managed-care companies for delayed or denied care. He also backed a phony business-sponsored Patients’ Bill of Rights that would prohibit consumers from suing their managed-care providers.”

Come on, John, get well soon! Everyday you’re out of commission as our Attorney General is a day that America is that much more unsafe; the USA PATRIOT Act and its sequel both feel somehow less substantive; Gitmo feels less secure, and we fear that hundreds of prisoners may in fact receive an actual trial; Jose Padilla and Yaser Hamdi might as well be on parole, and–this is embarrassing–we’re blushing as we gaze upon Justice’s exposed bosom, heaving ever-so-nakedly in your absence.
Let the eagle soar, John! Let it soar!

Categories
Shallow

Mustang Viggo

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Beautiful Beasts: Viggo Mortensen and his costars
Hidalgo opens tomorrow in theaters everywhere. Based on the trailer, the film appears to be about the passionate bond between scruffy Viggo Mortensen and his strikingly beautiful horse.
Haven’t we seen this movie already? Wasn’t it called A Perfect Murder?
What’s the deal with Viggo and ungulates? It’s not just the Spence-educated variety, it’s the real ones, too.
The director’s edition DVD of The Lord of the Ring: The Two Towers restores several scenes that show the deep bond between Aragorn and his horse, Brego. This is no mere directorial indulgence, it’s apparently vital to the Rings trilogy.
According to the copy on the back of the Aragorn and Brego collector’s toy:

Aragorn found a kinship with Brego, the wild horse of Rohan’s late Prince Theodred, who had been cut down by orcs at the Fords of Isen. Brego was traumatized by the loss of his lord, but Aragorn’s gentle hand stayed the beast’s fear, and in time he came to bear the king in exile as faithfully as he had once borne the Prince of Rohan.

Well, that clears that right up.
Ladies, if you love Viggo (that means you, Alex K.!), be sure to wash your hair with some Kiehl’s Equine Shampoo before galloping off to see Hidalgo. At least one person in the relationship should have clean, shiny hair.
Related: Hidalgo also features C. Thomas Howell. It’s been a long while, gentle friend, beloved soul man.

Categories
Grave

CNN: Your news, ironied

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(Click the thumbnail above to enlarge the image)
As this CNN.com screenshot from this morning’s headlines indicate, sometimes web publishing software seems to reveal some sort of virtual Lewis Black residing within–vitriolic anger and sarcasm pushing forth to convey a broader message while working within the tedium of the mundane, i.e. code, technology, news, headlines, whatever…
Oh, and in case you’re wondering, I’m not the one who’s conflated the developments in Iraq with those of the War on Terror™. That was the Bush administration’s initiative, you’ll recall.

Categories
Grave

Lost Among the Debris: History

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According to a caption in today’s New York Times, the AP Photo above shows “Looters on Monday at the house of former President Jean-Bertrand Aristide, where family and school pictures lay among the debris.” (Haitian Rebels Enter Capital; Aristide Bitter, by Tim Weiner and Lydia Polgreen)
What is not stated, is that the painting in the foreground depicts Toussaint L’Ouverture, the revolutionary who lead the slave revolt that brought freedom to Haiti, the first free Black republic in the world.
This would be like seeing a painting of Thomas Jefferson or George Washington amid a pile of post-revolution trash at the White House and calling it “personal effects and ephemera.”
See also: The Black Jacobins: Toussaint L’Ouverture and the San Domingo Revolution (non-fiction account);
All Souls’ Rising, by Madison Smartt Bell (fictionalized account).