Jesus, Mel!

mel3.jpgIt looks like God, the Jewish-run media, and those sneaky, learned elders of Zion continue to hold Mel Gibson down:

Gibson, ABC keeping it all in the family by Nellie Andreeva

Oscar winner Mel Gibson has teamed with ABC and Universal Network TV for a family comedy inspired by his life as a father of six boys.
The still-untitled project, which has received a put pilot commitment, centers on a blue-collar single father who is raising five teen boys on his own…

Will the persecution ever stop!?!
Related: Mel Gibson’s Jesus Christ Pose by Jessica Winter


“No Comment! Aww, heck. Who am I kidding? We always comment.”

philton.jpgAnd you thought Ari Fleischer had a tough gig. Imagine trying to be Paris Hilton’s press spokesperson. This comes from the celebrity advocacy journalists at Page Six:
PARIS Hilton – who has already weathered the worldwide circulation of a graphic photo of her exiting a car minus her panties – is now starring in an amateur porno, a la Pamela Anderson and Tommy Lee. The video, shot three years ago, features the hot-blooded hotel heiress and Shannen Doherty’s husband, Rick Solomon, in a variety of X-rated activities. Doherty and Solomon split up after the tape was made, but have since reconciled. Hilton “keeps staring into the camera and trying to show her best side,” said a source. “She knows she is being taped and [Solomon] keeps trying to get her into sex positions that are better for taping, if you know what I mean.” An anonymous donor, who may be planning to sell the tape over the Internet, dropped off copies to media people. A rep for Hilton said: “This was something she did with Rick while they were dating, after he was no longer with Shannen, and it was something that was intended for their own personal use. This tape was never intended to be viewed by the public and it is in poor taste that someone has decided to release it.”
If only Fleischer had been this honest. (“There are no W.M.D. The President said that for his own personal use…”)


Blogmore Academy Class of 2003

It’s been said before, and it’ll be said again: the blogosphere is just high school with more bandwidth. And most headshots are just yearbook photos, right? So, it’s with that in mind, we present to you, The Blogmore Academy Class of 2003.


God’s Omnipotent Smite List (1st edition)

god-smite.jpgFor a few weeks now, we’ve quietly had God working for us as an unpaid intern, and He has for the most part been occupying Himself with support-related tasks around the office, such as dusting Jean-Paul’s various Edward Said and Ryan McGinness books, and helping Matt categorize his Us Weekly collection into the Bonnie Fuller and Janice Min eras (there is, in fact, a striking difference between the two reigns, He insists).
But events which have occurred over the past few days seem to have angered Him, such that He has been glowering around the workplace and approaching his assigned task of downloading Tracy Morgan MPGs with much less zeal than we have become accustomed to seeing in His endeavors. So, as a gesture of appreciation for all His hard work (not to mention creating us in His image!), we asked if He would care to voice his thoughts to the low culture readership. In a booming and thunderous voice that very likely disturbed our upstairs neighbors at, He subsequently presented us with what he called His “Smite List”, which we have chosen to run in an edited form, despite His protests.
Thee Who Shalt be Smitten
by God, aka Yahweh, aka Allah, aka Buddha, et cetera
1. CBS President Les Moonves, for not having the compunction to resist those who would claim to speak on My behalf, but who were in reality a small minority of vocal, churchgoing conservative right-wingers who threatened to boycott watching rewarding family programs such as “Survivor: Pearl Islands”.
2. Iraqi Coalition Provisional Authority head, L. Paul Bremer, for imposing a ruthlessly unjust flat-tax system on his new American colony. I have been monitoring “conservative wet dreams” such as this for some time now, Paul, and don’t think I don’t know about that copy of Forbes magazine and the box of Kleenex situated next to your king-sized bed in Saddam Hussein’s former palace in Baghdad.
3. Archbishop of Canterbury Rowan Williams, for not yet adequately supporting the ascension of My very first openly gay bishop. While I am unsure whether I am technically on record as being for or against homosexuality, I would like to think that as a fair and just God, I shall come down on the side of tolerance for gays, just this once.


Like Fallin’ Off a Log

It’s been about two weeks since Amazon introduced its “Search Inside the Book” function, and already, we’re witnessing a change in journalism. Take, for example, this unsigned New York Times Week in Review piece that wrote itself simply by going to Amazon and typing in Santa+Ana+winds.
Writing articles hasn’t been this easy since the advent of The Internet Movie Database.