Does That Also Go for Zarqawi?

"They are smart, they are creative, they are committed... They have no regard for life, neither ours nor their own. I believe this was not an act of desperation, but an act of asymmetrical warfare waged against us."
- Rear Adm. Harry B. Harris Jr., commander of the detention camp at Guantánamo Bay, Cuba. (Quoted by James Risen and Tim Golden, 3 Prisoners Commit Suicide at Guantánamo, The New York Times, June 11, 2006.)

Delicately sneaking up behind his biggest fan, God decided to forcefully upbraid Little George once and for all

You'll see that an acknowledgment of failures in our policy was implicit in my statement, sir.

Via today's AP: "Bodies lie in the street after suicide bomb attack in Karbala Iraq in this image taken from TV Thursday Jan. 5, 2006"

From "U.S. Has End in Sight on Iraq Rebuilding", the Washington Post, January 2, 2006:

U.S. officials say comparatively minor sabotage to distribution systems is keeping Iraqis from seeing the gains from scores of projects to increase electricity generation and oil production. To showcase a rebuilt school or government building, meanwhile, is to invite insurgents to bomb it.

If 2006 brings political stability and an easing of the insurgency, Americans say, the distribution systems can be fairly easily repaired.

"The good news is this investment is not in any way lost; they're there," said Dan Speckhard, the director of the U.S. reconstruction management office in Iraq. "They will pay off, they will be felt, if not this month, then six months down the road."

Your concerns will be addressed, people...a mere six months down the potholed, blood-spattered, bomb-shellacked road.

"No nation in history has made the transition to a free society without facing challenges, setbacks and false starts."

The President's quote in the headline above comes by way of Bush Estimates 30,000 Iraqis Killed, the Washington Post, December 12, 2005...

Fair enough. And what, you may ask, defines a "challenge"? How about the experiences yet to be had by the young girl below, grieving over the corpse of her gunned-down daddy? She can at least always be thankful that he didn't die in one of Saddam's infamous torture rooms, because then, you see, she would be angry and bitter about his death at the hands of an all-powerful, violent government entity. It's so much better this way. Our way. The American way.

"Setbacks"? Here's venturing a good guess that this kid below underwent quite a setback when his leg was blown off. Really, lad...no child will be left behind, we'll just expect you to work that much harder to catch up with the rest of us as you hobble along the streets of your newly-democratic Iraq.

"False starts"? An improperly-timed beginning, as in the case of the boy pictured below. Wait, that's wrong. An improperly-timed end, e.g. this kid never really got to start his life because now he's fucking dead as a result of an invasion enacted under false pretenses.

Remember, kids, keep those photos coming! We're compiling the best of them for our limited-edition "God Wanted You to Die" commemorative PDF.

This holiday season -- I mean, Christmastime -- all I want is a constituency with whom I can speak comfortably

An actual quote from our actual president at yesterday's White House Children's Holiday Reception:

"This is Laura; I'm George W. We hope you've had some fun here. I hope nobody pinched Rudolph on the nose. Nobody did? That's good. Rudolph is happy about that, too."

Because it's a novel endeavor to imply that President Bush is a sub-literate imbecile, get it? That's the essence of easy laughter.

Just ask top-tier comedy writers everywhere!

At least the Vice President wraps himself in lies and deceptions, rather than blackface

Hey, members of the rightwing cabal, chill out, my bible-totin' brethren. The whole hullabaloo over the vice president's visage being obscured by a giant black X on CNN's broadcast of his speech to the AEI yesterday? We got all worked up about nothin', man. It was merely a technical error, see?

Which is far, far better than an error in judgment.

The highlight and crowning achievement of President Bush's federal taxpayer-financed, weeklong trip to Asia

President Bush rides with members of the Chinese Olympic cycling team on the Laoshan Olympic Mountain Bike Course in Beijing. (Charles Dharapak, Associated Press)

The Washington Post's headline writers illustrate the success of his trip as follows, and somehow manage to be both more and less pointed in their commentary: "Bush's Asia Trip Meets Low Expectations" (Washington Post, November 21, 2005).

But you know what? We're at least proud to say he is so totally beating those Chinamen! You show them who invented bicycling, George! And we'll pretend it wasn't the French or the Germans. And that no one can ever, ever, ever pass you on the bikepaths. Or tell you that you're wrong. About anything at all.

And then there's this, which, as always, is unrelated...from "House Approves Spending Reductions", Washington Post, November 18, 2005:

The House narrowly approved a broad five-year budget plan early this morning that squeezes programs for the poor, for college students and for farmers, handing Republican leaders a hard-fought victory after weeks of resistance in GOP ranks.

No word yet on whether or not the Pointless-but-Pricey Trips Abroad Appropriations Bill (H.J.Res.27, H.R. 48) will be vetoed once it hits the president's desk.

Unintentionally Hilarious Photo of the Moment, vol. 61

No, all they need is an inability to read, and a strong, well-defined dislike of colored folks

From "Texas Voters Approve Ban on Gay Marriage", the Associated Press, November 9, 2005:

"Texans know that marriage is between a man and a woman, and children deserve both a mom and a dad. They don't need a Ph.D. or a degree in anything else to teach them that," said Kelly Shackelford, a leader Texans For Marriage, which favored the ban.

Southern anti-intellectualism continues to thrive! It's almost enough to make one feel sorry for the faculty and students at a place like Rice University.

But not really. Fuck you, Texas.

Unintentionally Hilarious Photo of the Moment, Vol. 60