April 14, 2007
entertain me! (Pilot #2)
Comedy pilot for AOL. Includes a VH1-styled "fashion police" parody, alongside a short documentary-esque comedy segment about modern urban office life in NYC. Also, puppies.
entertain me! (Pilot #1)
Comedy pilot for AOL. Includes a piece about Ken Burns analyzing NBC's The Office, alongside red-carpet interview footage with Julianne Moore and David Duchovny, et al.
Domains Is Not Cribs
Green carpets, green screens.
The Waverly Interns (...Sigh)
March 7, 2007
Good AIM/Bad AIM (Target Practice)
More so-called "original content": a space-age instructional how-to on the proper protocol for instant messaging communication. Because we all wish we could be as skillful with using original film stock and found footage as noted director Roman Coppola!
March 6, 2007
Original video content! We're just like everyone else! The Office: A Documentary Film by Ken Burns
Jazz? Baseball? The Civil War? Borrrrrring.
Documentarian Ken Burns examines the relationship plight that has torn our nation asunder: Karen vs. Pam, from NBC's The Office. (Part of our pilot project for AOL.)
Posted at 3:41 PM in a And We've Now Graduated to that Mythical 'Next Level', Desperate, Don't Sue, From the Wizards Who Brought You the First-Ever Dual-Topic, Dual-Column Blog from Way Back When, Original Video, So What I Was Saying Was, You're Witnessing the Newest, Freshest Trend in Blog-Posting Right Here fashion.
June 26, 2006
All Dogs Go To Heaven
June 12, 2006
Does That Also Go for Zarqawi?
"They are smart, they are creative, they are committed... They have no regard for life, neither ours nor their own. I believe this was not an act of desperation, but an act of asymmetrical warfare waged against us."
Yes, But Bizarro Superman is as Queer as a Three-Dollar Bill
Fine. Superman is not gay. He's just freakin' whipped.
Do They Have a Friends and Family Plan?
June 8, 2006
They Got 'Er!
Exclusive, Blah, Blah, Blah, &c.
June 7, 2006
June 6, 2006
What Day is It?
June 1, 2006
To Script a Predator
Alessandra Stanley of The New York Times called To Catch a Predator "seedy and fascinatingly repellant" and, to date, it's resulted in 98 alleged sexual predators being prosecuted, according to Chris Hansen, the show's Mike Wallace-meets-Allen Funt host.
But there's one thing that doesn't work about the show: The totally lame self-justifications and explanations provided by the perps when confronted (sometimes over a plate of homemade cookies) by Hansen. When these doughy cats get caught with their paws in the henhouse, they invariably try to bullshit their way out of it by saying they were there to "help" the girl, to "talk to her about the dangers of the internet," or just to watch TV and keep her company. (At this point, Hansen asks the guy if that's truly the case, why did he send her a photo of his penis? The man is good.)
So, while we definitely don't advocate meeting underage kids on the internet and arranging dates with them, should you do so and find yourself facing off against Chris Hansen and his Dateline crew, we suggest you use one of the following lines. No one will blame you if your mind goes blank when confronted with the fact that you just drove 4 hours to meet a child you've seduced online and you're now on television for all the world—especially your dear, dear mother—to see, but if you can remember just one, you'll make a big difference to the To Catch a Predator viewing audience at home. We thank you in advance.
- Hey, man, she's not twelve. She said she was born on a leap year.
All My Friends
A One-Act Play
"I've got all my friends: Will [Smith], Kanye [West]..." – Tom Cruise sharing the contents of his iPod with US Weekly, June 12, 2006.
Tom Cruise: Ye dog!
Kanye West: Who dis?
Cruise: It's Cruise Control, baby!
West: T.C.? Shiiiiiit. What up, dawg? I didn't recognize your number on my caller ID.
Cruise: Of course you didn't, K. I have all my calls encrypted and re-directed through seven satellites positioned over each continent. You can never be too safe, man. Especially with a new baby.
West: Word. Word. How is little Suri?
Cruise: Who? Oh, right. She's awesome, Kanye! Awesome! Fatherhood is so amazing, man! The pictures of her are so cute. Hey, did you see Mission broke some records at the box office?
Cruise: Thanks. We're all really proud. J.J. did a great job. So what if it's not Da Vinci numbers. You know what? Every movie can't be War of the Worlds. Who wants it to be, you know?
West: What's that crying, man? Is that Suri?
Cruise: Naw, dog. It's Katherine. She's been a little emotional since the baby.
West: Give her my best, man.
Cruise: Thanks. Thanks, Ye. So, you must be asking yourself, Why's Cruise Control calling me?, right, dog?
Cruise: I wanted to see if you got the literature I sent you.
West: Yeah. Yeah, I got it.
West: And I'll read it. I'm in the studio this week, but I'll read it, man.
Cruise: I really think the Technology can take you to the Next Level, Ye. Next level!
West: I hear ya, Tom. But, you know, I'm all about the church, man. My big hit was "Jesus Walks," remember?
Cruise: Remember? I love that song, Ye! I especially like how un-glib it is.
West: T., that crying's getting awfully loud, man. Is Katie alright?
West: Is Katherine alright?
Cruise: The thing is, Kanye: The Technology in no way conflicts with Christianity. Nic was a Catholic and she followed Hubbard's teachings. And she got an Oscar for The Hours. See, that's what I'm talking about when I say 'Next Level,' Ye.
West: Yeah. I'll read the stuff you sent, Tom.
Cruise: Atta boy, Ye! And I'm here to explain anything. If you need someone to meet up with you and talk about this stuff wherever you are, there's usually a really smart person in every major city. Or within flying distance. I think of you as a good friend, Ye, and I want you to get to the Next Level, man. I'm talking the Isaac Hayes Level, bro. Black Moses!
West: Thanks, Tom. I appreciate your help. Listen, man. I gotta run. Also, it sounds like Katie's really losing it over there. You might wanna go talk to her.
Cruise: You mean Katherine. And, oh, that's not her. I actually left the house a few minutes ago. I'm on the way to the Center in the Escalade. I'm watching some possible extras for the Mission III DVD. God, J.J. did such a good job, man.
West: A'ight, T.C. Holla at ya' boy.
Cruise: What? Suri's a girl, dog.
West: Yeah. I know. It's just an expression, man. It's like 'Aloha.' You say it when you say goodbye or hello or what's up. Well, listen, I gotta bounce. Later, Tom.
West hangs up.
Cruise dials another number.
Cruise: Big Willie Smith! Holla at ya' boy, dog!
Will Smith: Yo, who dis?
May 28, 2006
Animal Superstars: Where Are They Now?
"Like other actors in the industry, animals have open calls and closed auditions, hair and makeup experts, special diets, red carpet appearances and retirement to a ranch. There are stars, unknowns, hopefuls and has-beens. There is hard work, and there is reward: chicken bits, in Lassie's case." –This Star Works for Chicken Bits, by William L. Hamilton, The New York Times, May 28, 2006.
May 8, 2006
L:c:II: We're on Cruise Control (Get it? Get it? Get it?)*
* We hate ourselves.
May 5, 2006
April 19, 2006
From Our Home Office in Hacksville, Long Island: Top Ten Daily Show with Jon Stewart On-Air Graphics About the Resignation of Scott McClellan
April 11, 2006
We Hear... Bill Clinton Can't Resist a Camera
We’ve received these pictures before and sort of ignored them. But they showed up today, and have newfound relevantacity. If the emailer from a right wing-aligned media organization close to the story is to be believed—and frankly, there’s no particular reason to believe it, but why not?—that’s Clinton, with his arm around pretty much everyone he meets. Insert your own politically-motivated, disgraced journalist-coddling jokes here.
April 6, 2006
Happy Huh? Day
It's Thursday? What happened? I thought it was Wednesday.
April 4, 2006
Sesame Seeds: Because Lifestyle Begins At Conception
Related: Sesame Street Videos Spark Controversy, by David Crary, Associated Press, April 4, 2006.
March 29, 2006
The One Question Stephen Colbert Forgot To Ask Michael "Brownie" Brown Last Night
Well, it must've just slipped his mind while they bantered about margaritas.
March 28, 2006
Daily Variety is reporting that Mitch Hurwitz, creator of FOX's beloved—but chronically ratings bereft—sitcom Arrested Development, will not oversee the Bluth family's move to Showtime's gated premium cable community.
Fans of the series will no doubt be saddened by this news, but Bluth lovers should celebrate. Specifically, they should have a Celebration—Thomas Vinterberg's Dogme # 1: The Celebration.
March 23, 2006
Git 'Er Dumb
Or, Everything I Knows About World Cuisine, I Guesseded From Watching the Trailer for Larry the Cable Guy: Food Inspector
Indian Food: What, no beef? What'cha'll think? Cows is sacred cows? And dang, this stuff is hot!
Japanese Food: Raw fish? You gots to be kiddin' me, hoss! Maybe if you battered and deep fry that there sashimi I'd eat it. The only fisherman I trust is the Gorton's Fisherman! And that wasabi? Dang, that stuff is hot!
Ethiopian Food: Anybody ever teach ya'll about forks and knives? Maybe if ya'll learned to eat respectabably you might'n't be so dang hungry all the time!
Chinese Food: Spare ribs'r good, boy! But I ain't gonna touch that cum of som yung guy! Dang! I'm hungry again fifteen minutes later, hoss!
Thai Food: If I wanted me some peanuts, I woulda gone to the ballpark, hoss! And dang, this stuff is hot!
Italian Food: Y'all got some catsup for my noodles? And dang, that's a spicy-a meat-a-ball!
Mexican Food: Man, this gives me the toots, boy! And why's that tortilla so flat? So ya'll can slip it under the border when you come here to steal our jobs? And dang, that salsa's hot!
Afghan Food: No way, hoss! Ain't gonna touch it! These colors—and my bowels—don't run!
British Food: This stuff's awful! Dang! How come no one ever mentions how awful this stuff is, hoss?
Pakistani Food: There ain't no difference from that In'jun food, right? And, dang, this stuff is hot!
Korean Food: These kimchis ain't no pickles I've ever seen! And ya'll left 'em in a jar where?
Soul Food: The historical legacy of slavery weighs heavily upon us all. Respect for our fellow man requires that citizens with conscience offer a hand-up—not a hand-out—to level the playing field and eradicate the still painful sting of institutional racism. And, dang, ya'll like some fatty foods, boy! I mean... sir.
March 22, 2006
Introducing Snarly & Me, From The Publishers of The Bestselling Reality-Based Account of the Iraq War, A Million Little Pieces
March 21, 2006
Guinness Book of World Records 1982 Special Edition: Where Are They Now?
March 15, 2006
LC Toolbox #2: The
March 14, 2006
or, Meet the New Guys
As a virtuecrat-turned-Bobo-turned-security dad-turned-values voter, I was excited to read about Rod Dreher's minimalist-titled new book, Crunchy-Cons: How Birkenstocked Burkeans, gun-loving organic gardeners, evangelical free-range farmers, hip homeschooling mamas, right-wing nature lovers, and their diverse tribe of countercultural conservatives plan to save America (or at least the Republican Party)... When the Pawn Hits the Conflicts He Thinks Like a King What He Knows Throws the Blows When He Goes to the Fight And He'll Win the Whole Thing 'Fore He Enters the Ring There's No Body To Batter When Your Mind is Your Might So When You Go Solo, You Hold Your Own Hand And Remember That Depth is the Greatest of Heights And If You Know Where You Stand, Then You Know Where to Land And If You Fall It Won't Matter, Cuz You'll Know That You're Right... For Colored Girls Who Have Considered Suicide When the Rainbow Is Enuf in this week's New York Times Book Review.
Kirkpatrick helpfully explains the newest creatures to join the great chain of being along with those already well documented Food Court Druids, Cherehonkees, and Lieberals (not to mention those famous Patio- and Organization men) as a follows:
Crunchy cons disapprove of abortion rights, same-sex marriage, illegal immigrants, public schools, secular liberals and mothers who work outside the home. But they don't like Wal-Mart, McMansions, suburbs, pollution, agribusiness or processed foods, either.Still confused? Here's a breakdown that will help you to figure out which you are: "crunchy" or "con." Or both!
March 13, 2006
OMG! Check out our new #$!& Criterion Collection release on DVD!!!!!
Finally, the viral video that changed the world on Friday is available on a special edition two-disc Criterion Collection DVD! Disc One of this collectors edition DVD features a remastered director's cut with commentary, deleted scenes, production stills, storyboards, and making-of featurette. The OMG! Check This #$!& Out!!!!! experience continues on Disc Two with the HBO documentary The OMG! Check This #$!& Out!!!!! Kid: Where Is He Now?, as well as the earth-shattering defense attorney's evidence that exonerated the director in the trial that shocked the world.
Check out some of this newly-released content below, including rare outtakes and a sample of the extended Director's Cut, complete with a commentary track by the film's star and producer.
Thinking Outside of the Pen
"Let's make it something that we never would have dreamed about." - Marty Markowitz, Brooklyn borough president.
With all due respect, as a former resident of Boerum Hill, I think I have a solution. There's an easy way to reopen the jail, enhance the neighborhood, and bring in new revenue.
Check out the excellent drawing I did with some friends over beers Saturday night at Boat.
March 10, 2006
OMG! Check this #$!& out!!!!!
A friend passed this on to us, and we thought it was so great that we had to share it, and share it, and share it over and over again! Spread this around!!!!
March 9, 2006
The Minor Ethicist
Am I tricking my houseplants by providing them with constant sunlight even in the winter? In nature, they wouldn’t get that much light. Should I provide them with less light part of the year? R.J., Chicago
This is an interesting conundrum, and I admire your not wanting to lie to plants. But when it comes to ethics, we as sentient beings must consider what benefits the majority without hurting the individual. As the more powerful party in the human/plant relationship, you are responsible for looking out for the plant’s well being without deception or manipulation. I say leave it in the sun, even in cold weather, but explain to it that this is an artificial arrangement and that in a state of nature, it would probably be dead. Providing winter sun isn't 'lying' per se, but it is giving your plants an unfair advantage over other plants: explaining that goes a long way towards correcting that disparity. Plus, everyone knows talking to plants helps them grow.
A colleague recently complimented me by saying “Hey, nice new jacket.” I thanked him even though the jacket isn’t new: I've had it since college. Was I in the wrong?
M.P., HASTINGS-ON-HUDSON, NY
Ethical people strive to be as honest as possible. In this case, you lied. Sure, it was a lie of omission, but you knew that your jacket was old and yet you took the conditional compliment ("nice new jacket") without explanation. I recommend you send your colleague a note—or, since we’re in the digital era, an email—apologizing for the deception. Your jacket may be nice, but it's not new. Your colleague should know that fact. Who knows, your colleague may still like your jacket, and you just may be able to save whatever working relationship you have with him.
At the end of my ATM transactions, the machine displays a screen that says “Would you like me to print a receipt?” I often select ‘no,’ even though some small part of me does, in fact, want a receipt. Should I select ‘yes,’ even if I don’t completely want a receipt?
K.P., WINTHROP, MA
Everyone knows the famous F. Scott Fitzgerald quote about keeping two ideas in one's mind at the same time without going crazy. While this may come in handy in many situations, it’s impossible to convey two ideas to a machine like an ATM. I say take the receipt even if you’re not 100% sure you want it: you can always use it to throw away your gum or write down a phone number.
A few years ago, a former employer made me go in front of the United Nations and lie about a supposed enemy nation's weapons of mass destruction. At the time, I rationalized that what I was doing was part of my job. Besides, even though the country I was talking about didn't have any WMDs, most people would agree that it was a pretty bad country. But now that I've had some time to reflect on it, I feel like I made a terrible mistake. A lot of people may have gotten hurt because of my testimony (it was pretty compelling: I had props and aerial photographs), and subsequent actions have cost my company untlold billions of dollars. I want to tell the truth, but I'm still on good terms with my former boss and colleagues and I do want a good recommendation for when I'm ready to re-enter the job market. How can I clear the air and my conscience?
Anonymous, you call that question minor ethics? That's beneath even me. Flip a coin and decide what to do you for yourself.
March 7, 2006
It's Really, Really Easy Being Greenspan
(Or, Duuuuh, Capital)
According to today's EXCLUSIVE report by Keith J. Kelly in The New York Post, Alan Greenspan has just sold his memoir to Penguin, Inc. for between $8.5-$9 million.
You don't have to be a former Fed Chairman to know that's a lot of money! Why, you could pay off your credit card debt, your student loan, your refinanced mortgage, and still have some cash left over to buy a Powerball ticket. With those winnings, you might be able to finally vest your Pets.com stock options and make some real dough! Party like it's 1999, Greenie!
But what is Penguin getting for its money? Good question. A quick look at Greenspan's contributions to Ayn Rand's 1967 essay collection, Capitalism: The Unknown Ideal reveals the brilliant insights that made Greenspan indispensable to four administrations. Here's one from page 96:
March 6, 2006
After winning the Nobel Prize and marrying Padma Lakshmi (or her male equivalent), the natural goal for any writer—or a blogger—should be writing for magazines. Look around any subway car or hair salon and you'll see that magazines are the number one information and time-killing medium. Ever since the tragic events of 9/11, a growing number of Americans have turned to magazines to explain their world to them and comfort them in uncertain times. Plus, magazines are great when it rains: try keeping your head dry with a newspaper and tell me what you'd rather write for, Men's Journal or The New York Review of Books. Plus, if you're getting gussied up for a Bar Mitzvah or court date, you won't get free cologne or perfume from a book. Don't even try it.
But for bloggers, breaking into magazines might feel a lot like alchemy. Turning lead into gold seems really, really hard, but, man, is it ever lucrative if you can pull it off. Here are some tips for all you aspiring magazine writers out there. You can thank us later.
1. Know the Lingo If you're gonna break into the fast-paced world of magazines, you better sound like you belong. Knowing a few keywords will help you sound like an expert. Here are some helpful terms to commit to memory:
· The Book: Literally, the magazine. This one's confusing because it doesn't refer to a book. Think of it as an example of aspirational metonymy: magazine writers and editors wish they were writing books, so they call their publications books. (You, on the other hand, wish you were writing for magazines, so start referring to your blog as a magazine.)
2. Understanding the Masthead If you're gonna work—or freelance—in magazines, you better know who you're dealing with. This can be a challenge since magazine job titles are as convoluted and complex as those you might encounter in the House of Lords. Clip and save this skeleton key:
· Editor-in-Chief: This person is in charge. And she's too busy to talk with you. In fact, she's probably in Milan right now. And she doesn't check her email. Her assistant prints out her email for her and she always leaves the printouts in the back of her Town Car. Also, she hasn't read the magazine in years. Leave the editor-in-chief alone. (But, when talking about your work with friends, always refer to her by first name: see "Bragging Rights," below.)
3. The Competitive Edge There are a lot of writers (not to mention bloggers) out there and only so many openings in "the mix." Success in magazine writing depends on maintaining some advantage over the competition. Here's all you need to know: Never pitch a story unless you've seen it written about elsewhere. If another magazine, newspaper, or blog has covered a particular subject, you know that the story's worth doing. Don't worry about editors passing on stories that have already run: they're too busy putting out a magazine to actually read magazines. Besides, when they're not working 12 hour days, they're writing their books. (See: "The Book," above.)
4. Protecting Your Ideas One of the risks of pitching stories to magazines is having your ideas stolen—even if the idea is one you got from another article. (See: "The Competitive Edge," above.) You cannot copyright an idea, but you have some recourse if an idea you've pitched has been stolen: Complaining. Let's say you pitch a story on a famous Hollywood actor in an upcoming major studio release and you see another publication has also written about her—and the writer of that piece interviewed the star, to boot—you have to use your blog to complain about the theft. Print all your emails to the editor you pitched and any responses you might've received. Not only will this get the word out that the editor acted unethically, it will let other editors know that you mean business and won't be pushed around. Now when you pitch them and they Google you, they'll see that you're a professional.
5. Numbers Numbers are an important part of making your article seem important. But you didn't get into magazine journalism to mess with numbers. You're a writer—or a blogger—not a NASA scientist. You can achieve the "numbers effect" without actually using numbers by employing terms like "a growing number," "several," "increasingly," "many," "untracked numbers," or "a lot." As long as it seems like some research backs up your findings, you're golden—increasingly golden.
6. 9/11 You should probably mention this in every story you write. It contextualizes almost anything. (Example: "Ever since 9/11, increasing numbers of consumers have sought sweatbands...") Plus, 9/11 lends a soupçon of gravitas to any article you may be writing.
7. Lingua Franca Throwing foreign-ish terms like 'soupçon' and 'gravitas' into your piece will not only make you sound smarter, it will help educate your readers who will feel superior to their friends after looking up your fancy terms and sprinkling them into their conversations.
8. Sources While you're more than capable of articulating the point of your own article, you'll need sources to flesh it out and bring it some real world frisson. (See, "Lingua Franca," above.) Some good sources include: friends, former lovers, your brother or sister, your college roommate, and yourself. If you don't want to embarrass your source, just employ an asterisk and state that, "Names and identifying details have been changed." No one will ever know who said what. (See: "Reporter," above.)
9. Ethics This mostly refers to freebies. You want them, be they free books (referred to as "review copies"), DVDs, clothing, continental breakfasts, or housewares. Some editors frown upon writers taking too many freebies because they might function as bribes. But that usually applies to staff members. You're a freelance writer—or blogger—so your only boss is yourself. Since you're the boss, don't you feel like giving your "employee" a nice bonus? Maybe a new set of sheets? Or some freeze-dried Omaha steaks. Whatever. Enjoy it. You've earned it.
10. Contributor's Photo This is why you do it: To have your image immortalized in the pantheon of professional journalists. (You also do it so that a talent booker from VH1 will call you to appear on Revenge of the Awesomely Sweet Sitcom Bods II, but that won't happen without an awesomely sweet contributor's photo.) This one photo may determine whether or not you'll ever get a book deal or sell a script, so make this photo a good one. You better look your best. Use special lighting. Hold a baby. (Don't have a baby? Borrow one. An ethnic one.) Hair. Makeup. Designer clothes. Figure out your most flattering angle and strike a pose. (Side note: once you've figured out your most flattering angle, you're gonna have to always appear that way all the time. If you go with the hand to ear thing, you better feel comfortable doing that constantly. Ditto, the surprised, open mouth laugh thing.) Your contributor's photo will prove that not only have you made it, you looked good doing it.
10. Bragging Rights Another reason you do it. You have bragging rights for as long as the magazine is on the newsstand. This is why writing for a monthly is better than writing for a weekly. Writing for a daily is a huge mistake. The best magazines to write for are quarterlies. Just imagine how proud of yourself you'll be when you see the quarterly with your article in it on the newsstand month after month after month. This is where your blog comes in handy: Use it to remind people of the article you wrote. Your online boast will live well after the quarterly you've written for folds.
11. Getting Paid You're on your own, sucker. (See: "Managing Editor," above.)
So, there you go. A simple guide to going from blogger to magazine writer. Now, go forth and turn that lead into gold. When we see you at the newsstand, we'll be sure to say, 'Hi.'
March 1, 2006
Didja Hear the One About the Gay Cowboys?
Exciting News From Your Favorite
Hey Everybody, Jake here, Mega-Publisher Extraordinaire.
Can you feel it? Wait. Wait. That! Wait for it... Wait for it... There, that! It's our amazing low culture redesign!
You're probably asking yourself, "Self, why would one of the internet's best websites redesign? I mean, why ditch the 'shallow' content and all that other stuff? Why mess with perfection? You don't know? Are you even listening to me, Self? Why do you hate me? Why won't you just look me in the eye and say my name? What's my name, Self? Will! Will, I am, of the Black Eyed Peas."
Well, while you talk stuff out with yourself, I'll explain. We're redesigning low culture for the best reason possible: to make money! Lots of fucking money! Boo-ya! We're not ones to count our chickens before they're grilled on little wood sticks and served with dipping sauce, but since we're all friends here, we'll tell you all about it.
· First up: our book deal. We recently received a "nice" contract from one of America's leading publishing houses (trust me, you've heard of it) to pen low Blows: The low culture Guide to Hack Humor, Knee-Jerk Politics, and Jokes About Celebrities Who Get Fat. It's due out in November and don't worry, you'll still get awesome content at low culture since we farmed out the book writing to a college kid we know.
· Next: low culture TV! Okay, not quite TV per se, but broadband on the website of a major entertainment company. We're platform agnostic so to us, broadband is just as good as TV. Or phones. Or God...or whatever. Like I said, we're agnostic.
· Finally: Novelty Record. We're gonna live out a lifelong dream of creating a novelty record of skits, songs, and awkward silences. And because we're old school, we're pressing it on vinyl. If you're interested in selling low culture's Songs For Young People in the Key of Francis Scott Key, contact Rick at our distro (or through Forced Exposure).
So, there you go, the next phase of low culture. This one column right here...do you feel it? You bet you do.
February 22, 2006
Rumors of Our Demise Have Been Greatly Exaggerated, as Have the Criticisms of Stupid Headlines Like This
Internal Office Memorandum
Going off to help teach impoverished and undereducated children in the wilds of Ecuador this winter –– whilst concurrently having left behind that online "Reader Feedback" forum –– turned out to be a dreadfully bad idea. Heinous, even. (Though my lack of internet connectivity proved to be beneficial in polishing my storytelling chops; it's quite striking how my ignorance of all things Denise Richards/Charlie Sheen and Randy "Duke" Cunningham/Mitchell Wade allowed my newfound gift for narrative confabulation to shine at those Quito-based USAID cocktail parties thrown in junction with Rafael and Lucio...I had people actually believing that I was an expert on everything from Supreme Court litmus tests to the canonical ambient compositions of Brian Eno and Harold Budd. Astounding!)
So, like I was saying, that "Reader Feedback" thing for low culture...a fucking bad, bad, bad idea.
The indignant, self-righteous anger that poured forth from said forum! As though people were entitled to free content on the web! I've always felt that unless you're an impoverished Ecuadorian, you're not entitled to any such handouts. How very wrong I have since been proven.
And now, not only have we disappointed myriad readers, we seem to have incited some form of extremely aggressive hostility. I am humbled and chastened.
Apparently, these "blog" things are hot shit, and we missed the boat on this one, lads. Or I personally dropped the ball. Or darted home without tagging up at third base. Or mixed sporting metaphors. Fuck if I know; my athletic knowledge is limited to the realm of sexual acrobatics, and that's about it. (My mother once told me a man would fuck a snake if you held its head. I have since learned this is quite true.)
Anyways, let's a get a cease-and-desist out on these guys...there's got to be some form of copyright law or anti-parodic justification we can rely on, right? Do either of you know Lawrence Lessig?
P.S.: Guy, I couldn't help but notice that somehow you managed to escape their assault...I mean, there aren't any embarrassingly amateur photos of you posted on that site. No Flickr attack whatsoever. So the idea that you were behind this, I have to admit, did cross my mind, though I am willing to give your treacherous ass the benefit of the doubt.
Make our "team" part of your "team"