February 22, 2006
Rumors of Our Demise Have Been Greatly Exaggerated, as Have the Criticisms of Stupid Headlines Like This
Internal Office Memorandum
Going off to help teach impoverished and undereducated children in the wilds of Ecuador this winter –– whilst concurrently having left behind that online "Reader Feedback" forum –– turned out to be a dreadfully bad idea. Heinous, even. (Though my lack of internet connectivity proved to be beneficial in polishing my storytelling chops; it's quite striking how my ignorance of all things Denise Richards/Charlie Sheen and Randy "Duke" Cunningham/Mitchell Wade allowed my newfound gift for narrative confabulation to shine at those Quito-based USAID cocktail parties thrown in junction with Rafael and Lucio...I had people actually believing that I was an expert on everything from Supreme Court litmus tests to the canonical ambient compositions of Brian Eno and Harold Budd. Astounding!)
So, like I was saying, that "Reader Feedback" thing for low culture...a fucking bad, bad, bad idea.
The indignant, self-righteous anger that poured forth from said forum! As though people were entitled to free content on the web! I've always felt that unless you're an impoverished Ecuadorian, you're not entitled to any such handouts. How very wrong I have since been proven.
And now, not only have we disappointed myriad readers, we seem to have incited some form of extremely aggressive hostility. I am humbled and chastened.
Apparently, these "blog" things are hot shit, and we missed the boat on this one, lads. Or I personally dropped the ball. Or darted home without tagging up at third base. Or mixed sporting metaphors. Fuck if I know; my athletic knowledge is limited to the realm of sexual acrobatics, and that's about it. (My mother once told me a man would fuck a snake if you held its head. I have since learned this is quite true.)
Anyways, let's a get a cease-and-desist out on these guys...there's got to be some form of copyright law or anti-parodic justification we can rely on, right? Do either of you know Lawrence Lessig?
P.S.: Guy, I couldn't help but notice that somehow you managed to escape their assault...I mean, there aren't any embarrassingly amateur photos of you posted on that site. No Flickr attack whatsoever. So the idea that you were behind this, I have to admit, did cross my mind, though I am willing to give your treacherous ass the benefit of the doubt.
January 5, 2006
I'm more interested in buying a tree, some rope, and some sheets...and throw in the In Living Color boxed set, too, can you?
What classic American value! 14 episodes of the under-appreciated "Planet of the Apes" television series, finally available on DVD for a mere $43. I can put it on my shelf right next to other similar items, such as...
Ummm. OK, then. The "Similar Items" list also includes, for what it's worth, "Unforgivable Blackness: The Rise And Fall Of Jack Johnson" and "What's Love Got To Do With It (Full Frame)".
(Thanks to jfajitas.)
UPDATED: Apparently this was already caught by a blogger named SanDiegoJohnny back in October of last year, which somehow makes this even worse, in that it has remained unchanged for months, now, and an entire season of holiday shoppers was exposed to such post-Katrina Kommodity Kommentary.
December 8, 2005
Even at this, the moment of his stature's greatest hype yet, James Murphy still slips under the radar...well, at least that of the Associated Press
From "Carey, Legend, West Lead Grammy Nods", the Associated Press, December 8, 2005:
[Mariah] Carey's eight nominations tied John Legend and Kanye West. Soul crooner Legend's nominations included best new artist, while West is up for album of the year for "Late Registration" and song of the year for "Gold Digger." "I feel incredible," said Legend, a West protege whose debut "Get Lifted" was a million-seller. "You put a lot of expectations into what you want the record to be."
From the Academy's list of official nominees:
12. Dance Recording: "Galvanize," The Chemical Brothers featuring Q- Tip; "Say Hello," Deep Dish: "Wonderful Night," Fatboy Slim & Lateef; "Daft Punk Is Playing at My House," LCD Soundsystem; "I Believe in You," Kylie Minogue; "Guilt Is a Useless Emotion," New Order.
See, it's always good for the DFA-haters to get some perspective.
It's almost enough to make one think there still exists a segment of the record-buying populace who hasn't heard Murphy's debut album. Have these poor people not set foot in an Urban Outfitters this past year?
November 14, 2005
The low culture 50 (Photos of People We Could Find)
November 7, 2005
Sharon Waxman, Squeezing Water from a Handsome Stone (was: Jonathan Rhys-Meyers, World's Most Difficult Actor)
At Home in Oliver's Macedonia and Woody's London, the New York Times, November 6, 2005
Selected highlights from the Times' Hollywood scribe Sharon Waxman's interview/Q&A with actor Jonathan Rhys-Meyers, star of Woody Allen's upcoming tennis thriller Match Point...
First up? The 28-year-old actor touches upon this whole "crisis in the Middle East" thing and its relationship to his filming Alexander with director Oliver Stone:
RHYS-MEYERS: You had 20 young male actors, as his main friends, and then 350 soldiers who'd recently pulled out of Basra and Tikrit - they were all actual soldiers. These guys were constantly living their life to the full, because when they were finished, they were being sent back to the Middle East.
OK, so the subject of Iraq doesn't interest Waxman so much. Or, at least, an Irish actor's take on Iraq. What about an Irish actor's take on being, hmmm, an Irish actor?
WAXMAN: Are you very Irish?
And with that matter settled, young Jonathan returned to his pensive brooding, coyly maneuvering his gaze about the room, pausing ever-so-briefly to flit his eyelashes...and looking anywhere, anywhere but at this cursed interviewer who had deigned to help him promote his most recent film.
From the L'il Gangsta Series
Once Again, Teen People Neglects to Note That Ashlee Simpson Is Actually Quoting Breton's Surrealist Manifesto
November 4, 2005
The Moment You Realize You're Reading Too Much Us Weekly, Vol. 1
October 31, 2005
Laugh Yourself Silly With the New York Times Magazine's "Funny Pages"
This week we made funny with:
Chris Ware's eavesdropping, sexist cripples!
Elmore Leonard's alcoholic spinsters and blood-thirsty lawmen!
Carl said: "This friend of Peyton's, Venicia Munson, was an old-maid schoolteacher who drank Peyton's wildcat whiskey and didn't care who knew it. We're sitting in her kitchen waiting for Peyton to show, she told me she was scared to death. I said, 'Well, that'll teach you to get mixed up with a bank robber.' She said: 'You're the one scares me, not Peyton. I can tell you'd rather shoot him than bring him in.' She said it was why I became a marshal, to get to carry a gun and shoot people."
And Firoozeh Dumas' racially-profiled family!
Continue Reading in "Shallow"
Slate's Breakfast Table, but Not (A conversation about the news of the day)
The Eyes Have It
Stop speaking for my generation, you louts!
Hark! The Herald Angels Spin
The HuffPo: Good for Politics, Bad for Laughs (or, yet another round of "This is Just Like That")
Visage Visionaries: South-of-Houston Hipsters, or Houston Astros?
More Hilarity from the New York Times Magazine's "Funny Pages"
Apparently, the Clients Thought "Download More Porn with Intel" Wasn't Catchy Enough
Adventures in the Skin Trade, Vol. 4
low culture: What Happened? (A Long, Interminable History)
by Modesty Blaise
Special to The Bizarro-Times Picayune
The Apple Falls Far, Far From the Tree
The Cover Story
Hey, Jack: My Reality Distortion Field is Bigger Than Yours
As Seen On The New York Times Magazine's "Funny Pages"
Steve Jobs' Reading List
Lesbian Ass vs. the Commuter Class
Ronald McDonald's Happy Steal
Ask Ben Kunkel
Tragedies Come in Threes
Just ask her son, Ryder Truck
Introducing Kanye West, pre-eminent comedian and light, frilly jokemaker
A Brechtian Stageplay about the emergence of Gay Blogs, starring the new proprietors of "Queerty"
It's Probably Time to Change That Whole "Signature Drink" Thing
Apparently Topping the Hot 100 Doesn't Warrant a Spell Check on Your Name
This is what makes "Premium" membership so worth it
Forget It, Jake. It's Sun Valley
Coming Soon: A Very Personal Film From The Director of War of the Worlds
Draft Abdul: Two Steps Forward, Two Steps Back for America
The Perfect Byline
by Quip Meekly
Guide to the Talent
Editorial Director: Steven R. Boots
Editor: Recalcitrant P. Chinstraps
Executive Editor: Alfred Glass
Managing Editor: Bianca Goode
Senior Editors: Waldo Carr (National Affairs); Leann Haywood (News);
Courtney Ransom (Entertainment)
Special Projects Editor: Hinged O. Clutched
Associate Editors: Fritz Winter; Randi Hanks
Assistant Editors: Joey C. Huff; Adrian Russell; Cameron Lehman
Contributing Editors: Christy Ashley; Vincent Bray ; Guy Cimbalo; Jamie Coulter; Matt Haber; Abdul Lawal; Wendy Newsome; Jean-Paul Tremblay;
Santos Vaugh; Josefa Webber
Editor-at-Large: Lindsey Lusk
Intern: Bruno Keith
Publisher: Abdulqasem Dasilver
Public Relations: Peggy Boucher
June 12, 2006
Does That Also Go for Zarqawi?
"They are smart, they are creative, they are committed... They have no regard for life, neither ours nor their own. I believe this was not an act of desperation, but an act of asymmetrical warfare waged against us."
February 22, 2006
Delicately sneaking up behind his biggest fan, God decided to forcefully upbraid Little George once and for all
January 5, 2006
You'll see that an acknowledgment of failures in our policy was implicit in my statement, sir.
From "U.S. Has End in Sight on Iraq Rebuilding", the Washington Post, January 2, 2006:
U.S. officials say comparatively minor sabotage to distribution systems is keeping Iraqis from seeing the gains from scores of projects to increase electricity generation and oil production. To showcase a rebuilt school or government building, meanwhile, is to invite insurgents to bomb it.
Your concerns will be addressed, people...a mere six months down the potholed, blood-spattered, bomb-shellacked road.
December 12, 2005
"No nation in history has made the transition to a free society without facing challenges, setbacks and false starts."
The President's quote in the headline above comes by way of Bush Estimates 30,000 Iraqis Killed, the Washington Post, December 12, 2005...
Fair enough. And what, you may ask, defines a "challenge"? How about the experiences yet to be had by the young girl below, grieving over the corpse of her gunned-down daddy? She can at least always be thankful that he didn't die in one of Saddam's infamous torture rooms, because then, you see, she would be angry and bitter about his death at the hands of an all-powerful, violent government entity. It's so much better this way. Our way. The American way.
"Setbacks"? Here's venturing a good guess that this kid below underwent quite a setback when his leg was blown off. Really, lad...no child will be left behind, we'll just expect you to work that much harder to catch up with the rest of us as you hobble along the streets of your newly-democratic Iraq.
"False starts"? An improperly-timed beginning, as in the case of the boy pictured below. Wait, that's wrong. An improperly-timed end, e.g. this kid never really got to start his life because now he's fucking dead as a result of an invasion enacted under false pretenses.
December 6, 2005
This holiday season -- I mean, Christmastime -- all I want is a constituency with whom I can speak comfortably
An actual quote from our actual president at yesterday's White House Children's Holiday Reception:
"This is Laura; I'm George W. We hope you've had some fun here. I hope nobody pinched Rudolph on the nose. Nobody did? That's good. Rudolph is happy about that, too."
Because it's a novel endeavor to imply that President Bush is a sub-literate imbecile, get it? That's the essence of easy laughter.
Just ask top-tier comedy writers everywhere!
November 22, 2005
At least the Vice President wraps himself in lies and deceptions, rather than blackface
Hey, members of the rightwing cabal, chill out, my bible-totin' brethren. The whole hullabaloo over the vice president's visage being obscured by a giant black X on CNN's broadcast of his speech to the AEI yesterday? We got all worked up about nothin', man. It was merely a technical error, see?
Which is far, far better than an error in judgment.
November 21, 2005
The highlight and crowning achievement of President Bush's federal taxpayer-financed, weeklong trip to Asia
The Washington Post's headline writers illustrate the success of his trip as follows, and somehow manage to be both more and less pointed in their commentary: "Bush's Asia Trip Meets Low Expectations" (Washington Post, November 21, 2005).
But you know what? We're at least proud to say he is so totally beating those Chinamen! You show them who invented bicycling, George! And we'll pretend it wasn't the French or the Germans. And that no one can ever, ever, ever pass you on the bikepaths. Or tell you that you're wrong. About anything at all.
And then there's this, which, as always, is unrelated...from "House Approves Spending Reductions", Washington Post, November 18, 2005:
The House narrowly approved a broad five-year budget plan early this morning that squeezes programs for the poor, for college students and for farmers, handing Republican leaders a hard-fought victory after weeks of resistance in GOP ranks.
No word yet on whether or not the Pointless-but-Pricey Trips Abroad Appropriations Bill (H.J.Res.27, H.R. 48) will be vetoed once it hits the president's desk.
November 14, 2005
Unintentionally Hilarious Photo of the Moment, vol. 61
November 9, 2005
No, all they need is an inability to read, and a strong, well-defined dislike of colored folks
From "Texas Voters Approve Ban on Gay Marriage", the Associated Press, November 9, 2005:
"Texans know that marriage is between a man and a woman, and children deserve both a mom and a dad. They don't need a Ph.D. or a degree in anything else to teach them that," said Kelly Shackelford, a leader Texans For Marriage, which favored the ban.
Southern anti-intellectualism continues to thrive! It's almost enough to make one feel sorry for the faculty and students at a place like Rice University.
But not really. Fuck you, Texas.
November 8, 2005
Unintentionally Hilarious Photo of the Moment, Vol. 60
Continue Reading in "Grave"
A man, (no) plan, a canal...
An illustrated depiction of the discrepancy in campaign spending for tomorrow's New York City Mayoral Election between Mike Bloomberg and Fernando Ferrer
These two must fuck like mad
Unintentionally Hilarious Photo of the Moment, vol. 59
EXCLUSIVE! The indictments are in, and the wait is over!
For Shame! Turning your backs on your biggest donors like this...
When even President Bush seems to have stopped taking this war seriously...
Please, God, carry me through this time of great difficulty
In case you ever wondered what's wrong with privatized healthcare
Redactio ad Absurdum
Now Playing: The Ultimate Film About the Downfall of Big Institutions (Fun with Tom DeLay's Mugshot, Vol. 2)
A message much clearer than the aspens, which turn in clusters out West
At this rate, they'll become fully literate just in time to escape the calamitous effects of the polar ice caps' melting due to your equally-disastrous environmental policies
Mr. DeLay!!! Mr. DeLay??!! What are you wearing?
At least he's not requesting a bathroom break
Yes, troops, it looks like that's a target on you guys. And, yes, the president's got you dead in his sights. And, yes, he's ready to wave goodbye. He's been waving this entire time, you see.
Give me grammar, or give me death
Forget her lack of qualifications. Do we really want a Supreme Court Justice that dresses this badly?
After years of rebuffing your advances, George, I'm ready to admit...I love you.
Damage Control Watch: In the Bubble or Off the Wagon?
Unintentionally Hilarious Photo of the Moment, vol. 58
Unintentionally Hilarious Photo of the Moment, vol. 57
Lining Up for Good News: This Week in the Job Market
low culture Exclusive: the Twin Towers Fell Fashionably Early!
September 2005: Black History Month for the White House
George Bush doesn't care about poor people
It's not the heat, it's the stupidity
John Roberts, Fuck Yeah!
Ergo, there is no "Federal" in "F.E.M.A."
I think I may need to better grasp the degree to which the press has turned on me?
To get at the store
diet Coke (caffeine-free)
diet Coke (with Lime)
Cheese (American & Swiss)
Soy Milk, but not the Vanilla shit
New sponge by Scotch/3M
Toilet Bowl Cleaner
Kitty Litter, crystals
Juice (Orange & Cranberry)