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November 26, 2003Thanksgiving 2003: the Mourn of Plenty
Army Spc. Rel A. Ravago IV, age 21; Glendale, CA Enlisted American fatalities since March 2003 [With apologies and admiration for George Lois.] November 25, 2003Those 70's GuysFrom this week's New Yorker, 'Talk of the Town': "Tobin grew up in Elizabeth, New Jersey, and still lives there, in a four-bedroom house on a quiet tree-lined street. Seventy-nine years old, he works most days at his law firm, a few minutes away." Times Warp by Alicia DeSantis "Omar Sharif—Cairo Fred to his friends—has played a bandit and a Catholic priest and Khalil Gibran and Tsar Nicholas II and the British agent Cedric, who gets trash-compacted in “Top Secret!” He is seventy-one." Cairo Fred by Dana Goodyear Of course, this guy makes them all seem like pishers: Commander in Chief of Pop
"...the Web site allows _____ to bypass the news media to deliver his side of the story to the public. Bonus points go to whomever can guess which of these two public figures has been arrested at some point in his life (though I guess that doesn't really help to clarify anything). Extra bonus points go to whomever can justify, or at least explain, the use of the scribbled crayon font in Bush's blog logo (see the actual graphic above). *(Answer, if you really care about the previous quote: Michael Jackson.) A&FUIn a low culture breaking news exclusive, the Abercrombie & Fitch Quarterly, scandal sheet-cum-catalogue has been pulled from the countless college outfitters dotting our nation's malls. While these actions will deprive sporty-types of saucy interviews with Paris Hilton, requisite profiles of the O.C. cast, and all the homoerotica that's fit to print, the move represents a victory of sorts for New York Post columnist Michelle Malkin, Catholic League malcontent William Donohue and the countless National Coalitions that seek to protect people from themselves. Campuses everywhere are reeling. Offending UpwardsGregg Easterbook has found a new home for his football blog: NFL.com. Good thing, too, since it's been a few minutes since anyone mentioned his dumb ass. Too bad Radosh is so busy changing diapers, 'cause I'm sure he has what to say on this matter. Good luck, Gregg: I'm sure you'll fuck this gig up, too. Earlier thoughts on Gregg Easterbrook from low culture: What Easterbrook Could Learn from Rousseau [via Romenesko] Ku Klutz Klan
Gregory Allen Freeman, 45, was charged with aggravated assault and reckless endangerment in the Saturday night incident that wounded Jeffery S. Murr, 24. November 24, 2003Day 2 Retractions (Round 4)While we've already snidely covered the numerous instances wherein the U.S. military's documentation of events has moved from loudly inflammatory on day 1, to quietly inaccurate on day 2, we're proud to admit another entrant into low culture's "Regretful Press Release 2003" contest. Day 1, November 23, 2003: Three US soldiers were killed in northern Iraq on Sunday, including two in the heart of the city of Mosul who witnesses said had their throats slit. Day 1, continued, November 23, 2003: An Iraqi mob, most of them teenagers, dragged two bloodied soldiers from the car, threw them to the ground and pummeled their bodies with concrete blocks, according to witnesses, describing a burst of savagery reminiscent of that in Somalia a decade ago. Day 2, November 24, 2003: Military officials retracted a report today that two American soldiers had been slashed in their throats in an attack Sunday in the northern city of Mosul. Until round 5 of the contest begins, we recommend Amazon.com's 317th-ranked bestseller, co-authored by Rick Bragg and Paul Wolfowitz. What a difference a day makes
Won't you please remember the neediest and rent Hollywood Homicide this holiday weekend? Seriously, though: despite what our 'friends' say, we here at low culture aren't complete fucking assholes. Please go to CityHarvest.org and make a donation this year. Hey New York Magazine: Whaaaaaaaaaaaazuppp?!
But more amazing than having the Towncar take you across 110th Street, is the fact that New York also went back in time for their headline, "Got Beef?" "Got Beef?" Not a bad hed. Where'd they come up with that? Hey, New York, next time try to Think Different, won't you? Earlier thoughts on New York Magazine from low culture: New York's Amazing Feet; I Call Bullshit on New York Magazine November 23, 2003The Dated Game
Las Nuevas Sonidas: Why Ricky Martin represents a seismic shift in popular music. Dave Eggers: Remember the name. This low-key moptop is about to revolutionize the publishing industry. Swinging from a Star: Does swing dancing portend a sea change in the bar scene? Napster This!: How one little computer program will profoundly change the music industry. November 21, 2003Alternate HistrionicsWhile today’s New York Times’ op-ed page affords Nigel Hamilton the opportunity to less-than-methodically imagine a world in which JFK was never killed, somehow Hamilton managed to overlook the obvious impact Kennedy’s un-assassination would have on the entertainment industry. Well low culture is here to fill in the blanks, following in the Times' illegible footsteps. 1964 A Ringer in the Crying GameIn yet another instance of old media stealing—stealing!—from new, this week's Entertainment Weekly picks up on the recent blogger trend of listing movies that make you cry with Cry Freedom: The 50 Greatest Tearjerkers. (Sorry, you need to subscribe to read it on the Web and get your weekly Jim Mullen fix.) Number one on their list, The Jerk, particularly the scene in which Steve Martin feels so safe with Bernadette Peters he can say, "I slit a sheet, a sheet I slit and on the slitted sheet I sit." I'm just joshin' ya. Number one: Terms of Endearment. I understand this since James L. Brooks once made me cry, too. 1st Annual (Ever?) Jonathan Ames Write-Alike Contest
Please use our comments area to post your entries. Extra points awarded for use of Yiddish, references to Scott Fitzgerald, detailed descriptions of bodily functions, and in-depth questioning of your sexuality. All entries not in the first-person will be automatically disqualified. Winning entry will be printed out and hand delivered to Ames who lives two blocks away from me. (Or his mailbox: see nonexistant rules for further information.) All entries must be submitted...whenever. Must be 18 years or older to enter; only one winner per state, sorry Tennessee. Dr. Dean's in Great Shape
Every day on the campaign trail, Howard Dean wears an unfashionable black belt that belonged to his younger brother Charlie, a silent memorial to the man who vanished while traveling the Mekong River 29 years ago... Dr. Dean has worn the black leather belt with the large, silver-rimmed holes for at least 20 years, and counts his brother's death as a watershed that made him more serious about his own future. How many middle aged men can say they've been able to wear the same belt for 20 years? Oh, and it's a shame about his brother, too. [Yes, I know that the belt on the left is brown with a brass buckle.] To Know, Know, Know Nothing About Him is to Write, Write, Write about him (and we do)
Ask anyone writing about super producer-turned-alleged murderer, Phil Spector. This comes the back cover blurb of Mark Ribowsky's 1989 book He's A Rebel: Phil Spector, Rock and Roll's Legendary Producer: "Phil Spector created the 'wall of sound,' produced the Beatles' last record, persuaded the Ramones to go 'pop,' made the Righteous brothers sound respectable, and was a millionaire by age 21." "As songwriter, guitarist and backup singer for the band, which hit the big time with To Know Him is to Love Him, he became a millionaire by the age of 21. "'To Know Him Is to Love Him' and made him a millionaire by age 21." "By the time he was 21, Spector was a millionaire." " Spector was a millionaire by age 21, and his music career exploded after he came onto the music scene as a member of the band the Teddy Bears." "Spector had started his career as a musician with a band called the Teddy Bears before embarking on a songwriting and production career that made him a millionaire by the age of 21." "Spector was only 21 years old, and he was a millionaire." "...the youngest record company head and a millionaire age 21, dubbed Tycoon of Teen." "Spector got his start in the music business in 1958 as a songwriter, guitarist and backup singer for the Los Angeles group the Teddy Bears, which had a hit single with 'To Know Him is to Love Him' and made him a millionaire by age 21. " Spector began promoting, producing and creating bands when he was in his teens, and was a millionaire by the time he was 21." "Phil Spector, the legendary but reclusive American producer who invented the 'wall of sound', hit No. 1 with his very first single and was a millionaire by 21." "By 21, Spector was a millionaire and a maverick dubbed the 'teen tycoon' by author Tom Wolfe." I don't know, know, know about you, but I broke into a sweat just summarizing it. Tracks' Marks
Stupid Host Tricks
Well, no more. In yet another instance of the total Leno-ization of the culture (example: the President referencing David Blaine like a well-worn monologue joke), Letterman has lowered himself to just another Paris Hilton suitor. (Today's line forms behind, let's say, the guitarist from Stain'd.) According to the still Pulitzer Prize-free New York Post, Letterman made a desperate plea to the hotel heiress-cum-video jockey on his show last night: "We'll talk about anything you want to talk about—if you have pets, we'll talk about your pets...If you want to talk about the sexual videotape, fine. If you don't, that's fine with me, too... We all know it's not your fault. It's your idiot boyfriend's fault, that's the problem. We'll set the record straight—it'll be a love fest... All I want to say to Paris is, 'You're being led down the wrong path. You come on this show, by God, we'll make you a hero." A love fest? Isn't that what got Paris in so much trouble in the first place? Dave, we (still, for some reason) expect better from you. November 20, 2003Not Here, Not Now
The chump's stump speechPresident Bush, despite his being a longtime proponent of repetitive mantras, really ought to look into hiring a new set of speechwriters, lest we have to endure, yet again, his uttering the following lines when asked about protests against his administration's policies. November 20, 2003, on London's protesters: "Freedom is beautiful," Bush said today, adding he was happy to be in a country where people were allowed to speak their minds freely. "All I know is that people in Baghdad weren't allowed to do this until recent history." November 17, 2003, anticipating London's protesters: "I am so pleased to be going to a country which says that people are allowed to express their mind. That's fantastic. Freedom is a beautiful thing," he told the Press Association. May 21, 2003, on Berlin's protesters: "That's good. That's democracy," Bush said of the protests. "See, I love to visit a place that is confident in her freedom, a place where people feel free to express themselves, because that's what I believe in." February 15, 2003, on worldwide protests: "The president views force as a last resort. He still hopes for a peaceful resolution and that is up to Saddam Hussein," White House spokeswoman Jeanie Mamo said. "The president is a strong advocate for freedom and democracy. And one of the democratic values that we hold dear is the right of people to peacefully assemble and express their views." Have we reached saturation yet? The politics of refurbishment
In keeping with this week's visit to the United Kingdom by President Bush, the British comedian- cum- scandal-artist -cum-filmmaker Chris Morris has re-posted his two "Bushwhacked" cut-and-paste parody collages of the President's 2002 and 2003 State of the Union addresses. While these have circulated as audio files since, well, a few days after the initial speech(es) were made, those of us with "digital divide-less" broadband connections are now treated to the full audio-visual experience, which is a vast improvement on the nearly year-old MP3s. To borrow a phrase that the papers seem so fond of citing, "nearly seven months since President Bush declared the end of major combat operations in Iraq," there's something quite perverse about seeing House Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi grin wickedly at Bush's butchered announcement that "the American flag stands for...cutting out tongues...and rape." And now, a little something for the film students...
Meet the Lefty Spice Girls
Tell me what you want, what you really, really want... If you want my future, correct your past/If you wanna get with me, end the slog real fast... Sidebar: What is the deal with photographers only shooting pretty girls at protests and rallies? I mean, that has to be the oldest scam in the book: "Hey, why don't you give me your number and I'll give you a print of this. You know, I'm pals with the photo editor at the paper, I can definitely make your whole sign visible..." Biting the Hand that Wanks you
John, not his real name, is a disgruntled former employee of two Victoria's Secret stores. He came to us with the revolting allegation that it was store practice to take back used underwear and then resell it. C for Comeback
Clifford Irving? Who dat? Irving, a once promising writer, was at the center of the fake Howard Hughes biography scandal in the early 70s. After it was revealed he lied about being authorized to write the billionaire mogul's autobiography by the recluse himself, Irving was forced to return his $765,000 advance to McGraw Hill and spent some 14 months in prison for fraud. (The whole story is amusingly told by Orson Welles in F for Fake, an amazing—and amazingly weird—movie whose title amazingly never once came up during the Jayson Blair scandal.) Here's what Irving told 60 Minutes II when he looked back on his 15 minutes of infamy in 2000: "I was lying to everybody... I was on a train of lies. I couldn't jump off." (Gee, sounds like some other guys.) Anyway, Irving reemerged as a fiction writer and one of his novels, Tom Mix and Pancho Villa (from 1982) has just been optioned with the screenplay to be written by classy A-list scripter Steven Zaillian. Of course, the movie sounds like a steaming turd, but that's beside the point. What was the point again? Oh, yeah. Hang in there Jayson and Stephen: redemption will be yours in a few decades. Reports of Her Death Have Been Greatly Exaggerated
You know that totally narcissistic fantasy you have about being able to attend your own funeral and hear what everyone has to say about you? (You know, like this guy.) Well, the girl with the most cake gets to have that experience without all the messy details of dying first. This week, The Stranger looks back at the life of Courtney Love from her musical legacy to her amazing Hollywood make-over. There's also a peak at new Loves and a celebrity humurist/eulogist to crack wise. (David Kamp wasn't free, so they got this dude.) It's sad. She had so much to live for, but I guess she just couldn't live through this.*
November 19, 2003Delusions of Commandeur
"the last American to cause such a ruckus in the city was illusionist David Blaine, who recently spent 44 days in a self-imposed fast in an elevated plastic box above the Thames River. For the first few days, Blaine's box was pelted with food and the people jeered at him. 'A few might have been happy to provide similar arrangements for me," Bush said, adding that he was grateful to the Queen for interceding and allowing him to stay at Buckingham Palace." Oh, and one other point about this article. While it's so, so passé to marvel at the amazingly limited worldview of Fox News and its audience, some of their antics continue to provide fresh opportunities for amazement. Such as today's headline (since relegated solely to an appearance on the front page) for this "Blaine-dropping" article: "Bush Gets Royal Treatment." "Royal treatment" apparently no longer implies "pampering," "adoration" or a waitstaff tending to your every need. This new iteration somehow incorporates negative poll numbers indicating that a majority of British citizens were opposed to and inconvenienced by his visit, as well as managing to invoke the plans for nearly 100,000 protesters to march upon and topple a Saddam-esque effigy of the President in Trafalgar Square on Thursday. TMI: LBJ, JFK, THC and CBS
Wait, sorry. It turns out one "Nigel Turner" produced this edifying film for the History Channel, but LBJ's presidential foundation is pretty plum pissed off regardless of its origin. Apparently having learned nothing from the conservative task force that set out (and subsequently succeeded) in preventing this month's airing of CBS's "controversial" Reagan miniseries, Johnson's family members and former aides had the temerity to allow this thing to air! According to an AP story, LBJ Foundation Chairman Tom Johnson stated, "We left the decision on editorial content and accuracy up to the History Channel." What a nimrod! "He and Jack Valenti, another former Johnson staff member and current president of the Motion Picture Association of America, issued a joint statement on behalf of the Johnson family and others. 'Sadly, President Johnson and the staff members who are wrongly smeared by the conspiracy theorists are no longer alive to defend themselves,' the statement said. 'In televising this production, The History Channel has distorted history beyond recognition.'" Tom Johnson, incidentally, is not related to the former president. He is, however, "a former president and CEO of CNN." This probably has nothing to do with the foundation's going after the A&E-owned History Channel. That would be both crazy and conspiratorial. A low culture exclusive: Michael Jackson Bombshell!
Breaking News: JACKSON FACES CHILD MOLESTATION CHARGES Related: MICHAEL JACKSON IMPERSONATOR ACQUITTED OF MOLESTATION CHARGES This isn't only about what you think it is, I swear
While this may seem topical only due to President Bush's current visit to the United Kingdom, or maybe recent events in Massachusetts' judiciary, it has nothing to do with American intolerance of homosexuality. We think. The Prince of Wales, after all, isn't gay, for one thing (just check out the photo above: President Bush would never, in good conscience, shake hands with a gay bloke). But he can shake hands with the "pro-Palestinian" Prince Charles. The Guardian quotes a source close to the issue as saying, "It [concern over Charles travelling to the US] revolves around the perception that the Prince of Wales is fairly Arabist. He has, in American terms and international terms, fairly dodgy views on Israel. "He thinks American policy on the Middle East is complete madness and he used to express that quite loudly to a lot of people, including ministers and various ambassadors." The source added: "The system basically thinks that he is unsound on America and he has not really wanted to go anyway. He doesn't much like American culture." But, Charles, don't be so unfair! Americans love both selective inbreeding and tampon reincarnation. It's just this "gay" thing we need to work on. And the Middle East, I guess. Blind Man's Blurbs
Maybe the jokes on me here, but how can Knipfel be a film critic, since he's, like, blind? Knipfel is a decent writer, but, I mean, can he really be a film critic? Reaching: Towards a New Hermeneutics of the Post-Structural Pachyderm
Michael Jackson: Is This Scary?
From "Is This Scary," by Michael Jackson from Blood on the Dance Floor: HIStory in the Mix You know this kid is scared. November 18, 2003Bible Accuses Governer Schwarzenegger of inappropriate touching
Masthead and CommanderJust when it seemed that Friendster had blown its wad, soon to be reduced to pop-culture footnote, low culture has discovered yet another diversion to be plumbed from everyone's favorite community-based resource. Simply take the byline of any article - magazine, newspaper, or otherwise - and perform a user search on Friendster. If that piece appeared in a media-centric publication based out of New York or L.A., the odds are good that its author is online. In general, the lower said writer appears on the masthead, the more likely he will appear on Friendster. And contributor photos are a boon - most of the writers for MTV's newest cultural debacle use the same picture for Spankin' New and Friendster. And suddenly that fluff piece you just skimmed takes on an entirely new dimension. Isn't it better to know that New York Magazine's recent interview with cultural cipher Farrah Fawcett was written by a young woman who counts dead languages and religion among her interests? That dreary Newsweek piece about our failures in Iraq? Its author enjoys watching Monday Night Football and listening to Santana when he's not bemoaning America's efforts at nation-building. And ladies? He's single… November 17, 2003Headless Prez in Topless Mag
Washington Post White House correspondent Dana Milbank, who's received some praise here before on at least a few occasions, has fallen a bit short with today's piece detailing President Bush's gift of an all-too-rare exclusive print interview with a Rupert Murdoch-owned topless tabloid in the UK. The article's good enough, mind you, and does a good job of illustrating the fact that it's a bit hypocritical for this most Christian of presidents to be appearing in a paper that features nude women and Enquirer-type stories...it's just the headline that misses its mark. The Post goes with "Prez in Topless Tabloid," which, though theoretically meant to parody the headlines of the tabloid in question, comes off more like an Army Archerd-esque Variety lead. Come on, Dana...be a little more adventurous! "Boobs, Bullies, and Bollocks: Bush meets Blair," for starters. Or "Dish n' Hips," perhaps. Or even the oh-so-blunt "Topless Girls--Featuring Bush!" We here at low culture know you've got a sense of humor, Dana. Check out your closing paragraph: After McClellan's bombshell at yesterday's briefing, this correspondent asked whether the other publications present would get Bush interviews if they ran nude photos. "I hope you're not talking about yourself," McClellan replied. Sign O' The Times
Could any novel really be "masturbating uncle" bad? It's true, Amis walks into his typical traps. There are the hugely unfortunate sentences: And, to Xan, this poem of boredom was like a douche of self-discovery. Or even better: …for the first time in his life he was contemplating the human vulva with a sanity that knew no blindspots… There are too the rampant pontification and cheerless self-importance, but these failings have been forgivable in the past, even part of what makes Amis great. But lately it would appear that Amis is guilty of a sin even worse than plagiarizing one’s own mediocre think-piece from Talk Magazine. Mister Amis has become uncool – enfant terrible grown ancien regime or further evidence of Sick Boy’s Unifying Theory of Life. Even the typically high-minded Walter Kirn accuses Amis of using tactics that “might have raised eyebrows 50 years ago…” And in Amis’ universe, uncool is a capitol crime. Evidence of Amis’ complete dissociation from contemporary culture has played out lately amid his spacy declarations concerning the internet. Confer Grandpa Amis’ recent nap on "Topic A with Tina Brown," in which he explains, “I’ve never looked at [the internet], because I don’t know how to use a computer,” here Tina politely chuckles, “and I’m often quite relieved that I can’t.” Hardly a crime, but based on the evidence, perhaps it would be best for Amis to avoid including the transcripts of emails, or “e’s” as Amis labels them, in any future novels. Amis’ fictionalized e-mail exchanges feature lines more suggestive of a Prince song than any correspondence I’ve ever received. Below are excerpts from "Yellow Dog’s" "e’s" alongside some fakes. Can you separate the real crap from the fake? & i no th@ if i ever find some1 2 spend the rest of my days with… y o y, clint, do people use 6 2 infl8 their own gr&iosity? tell u l8r. just u w8 & c. u should go @ it 40ssimo & per4ms the usual r&y stunts with a lady-in-w8ing! 4 him, the sun shone out of my *… [Answer Key: They're all real.] Spike Lee's attorneys, will you please do the right thing and sue these people?
Let's hope that the litigious Mr. Lee does the right thing and Spikes this in a court of law. Is The Jewish Journal finally getting their revenge on Lee for the allegedly anti-Semitic portrayal of Jews in Mo' Better Blues, or are they just idiots? [Thanks Marc Weisblott!] November 16, 2003One of these men is the most powerful man in Hollywood. Two are chumps.
Let's set aside how offensive it is that the highly paid producers, studio heads, and chairmen of the entertainment conglomerates are using these ordinary working Joes to guilt us out of pirating movies. What I found really offensive was that one spot, the one with stuntman Manny Perry (far left), features clips from Enemy of the State (directed by A.O. Scott's namesake and doppelganger, Tony Scott). This movie was produced by Jerry Bruckheimer, whom Entertainment Weekly recently deemed the most powerful man in Hollywood. Should we really be taking advice on what's right and what's wrong from a guy whose former partner, the late Don Simpson, used to get off on beating up hookers and making them drink out of the toilet while he urinated in it? (You can read all about Simpson's fast times and early death in Charles Fleming's High Concept: Don Simpson and the Hollywood Culture of Excess.) Is Jerry Bruckheimer in any position to tell us how we're mistreating Hollywood's underlings? What's next, a commercial with Scott Rudin's assistants telling us we're making their lives a living hell? Maybe a spot with some Korean animators telling us how we're destroying Disney? The Gold and Platinum Standard
Radar: "it'll be Spy meets Vanity Fair." November 14, 2003Breaking hearts and losing minds
That's the sound of a global sigh of relief, mind you, now that El Presidente has decreed that the U.S. will begin expediting the transition to Iraqi "self-rule". Apparently, the Iraqi people have been expressing interest in becoming "more involved in the governance of their country," according to President Bush in yesterday's remarks on the subject of the post-war transition of power. Well, with that in mind, it's nice to know the United States has been victorious in the cliched "battle of hearts and minds" that Rumsfeld et al kept championing throughout the spring and summer. Just check out these editorial cartoons from the Arab press as collected by Al-Jazeera, the noted television news mouthpiece of the Arab world. The caption for the strip above, incidentally, is as follows: "You see! Democracy is good. Isn't it?" Why, there's hardly any anti-American sentiment in sight. This is what a dead soldier looks like
The Bush administration hates comparisons between Iraq and Vietnam, and many are a stretch. But there is a lesson that this president seems not to have learned from Vietnam. You cannot hide casualties. Indeed, trying to do so probably does more to undermine public confidence than any display of a flag-draped coffin. And there is at least one direct parallel. Thirty-five years ago, at the height of the Vietnam War, the Pentagon took to shipping bodies into the United States in the dead of night to avoid news coverage. If you're curious to see what real war fatalities look like, try to |
Were you aware that 
Jack Valenti 
In honor of Jonathan Ames' week-long diary of his trip to Club Med on 
I snoozed on this all week, but this comes from Wednesday's Times article, 
Being a journalist is hard work. You have to pound the pavement in search of sources, burn the candle at both ends to write engaging sentences, and worst of all, you have to read the whole blurb on the dust jacket of a book for that deep, deep background. 
Remember when 
Courtney, we really, really knew ye.
Who knew trash-documentary producer 
Hello, anglophiles and throne-watchers! Quick: what have you been missing out on here in the U.S. for the past six years? That's right, a visit by Prince Charles, the future King of England, who hasn't set foot on American soil since coming to New York in 1997.
Brace yourself for the most embarrassing interview by a G.O.P. politician to appear in a porn mag since Arnold Schwarzenegger appeared in Oui two decades ago...
Poor Marty Amis. His latest novel, 
