June 30, 2005
Big ups to James R.!
The Perfect Byline
by Quip Meekly
Are Men Ready for the 5-Step, 10-Minute Shave?, by Nick Burns, The New York Times, June 30, 2005.
Apparently Silky Smooth was on assignment covering the "last throes" of the Iraqi insurgency.
June 28, 2005
Weight Watch: Lindsay Lohan, Nicole Ritchie, and...Condi Rice?
Blue Chips Ahoy
The recent revelation that Saddam Hussein has a taste for Jay Leno-approved nacho-cheese chip Doritos has sent shock waves through the snack food industry. I recently contacted PepsiCo's board of directors about their thoughts on the shocking, possibly treasonous, matter. (Disclosure: PepsiCo owns Frito Lays which owns Doritos which holds a majority stake in low culture heavy industries.)
Dear Sirs and Madames:
I am very concerned about recent revelations that Saddam Hussein enjoys Doritos. This man is a tyrant, while Doritos should represent peace, justice, and American snack food at its best.
PepsiCo. forms a large part of my mutual fund's investment portfolio and I have begun to feel that I should divest myself of the holdings.
I would like to know what Frito-Lay intends to do in order to quell this public relations nightmare.
Their response after the jump...Continue reading...
June 24, 2005
Maybe If She Tried Wearing A Hat...
"What's the matter, never seen anyone from the planet Vulcan before?"
June 21, 2005
low culture Presents: No Jacket Required, Vol. 1
Welcome to the bleeding edge! It's official, then...this "podcasting" thing is bloody hot!
low culture is proud to present the first, inaugural, premiere episode of "No Jacket Required", a no-holds-barred look at contemporary arts and culture. This mp3/podcast/olde timey radio broadcast runs somewhere around eleven minutes: perfect for your commute home, downtime at work, or on constant repeat throughout your day (it's possible to enjoy "No Jacket Required" over 130 times in the course of a 24-hour period).
You've come to rely on low culture for reasonably entertaining satire and comedy -- now give "No Jacket Required" a try. Seriously, we think you'll enjoy it. Earnestly, even.
And maybe it'll explain why we've been so damned absent of late?
No Jacket Required, Ep. 1, 11:35, 10MB
June 20, 2005
Okay, Now I'm Definitely Against Human Cloning
Related: "Malkovich, Malkovich, Malkovich."
June 17, 2005
low culture Exclusive: Tom Cruise's Actual Proposal to Katie Holmes
Film star Tom Cruise has asked girlfriend Katie Holmes to marry him, he announced on Friday, ending weeks of speculation over whether Hollywood's hottest couple would wed.
"That's more than a dress. That's an Audrey Hepburn movie. We barely know each other. I don't think we've had a single conversation about anything except your father. We got nothing to talk about. Sometimes you just gotta say 'What the fuck.' In this life, it's not what you hope for, it's not what you deserve—it's what you take I feel the need... the need for speed.
"I've drained you to the point of death. If I leave you here, you die. Or you can be young always, my friend, as we are now, but you must tell me: will you come or no?
"Where exactly are we going... exactly?...Where the rainbow ends? Good. Because for a minute there, I thought we were talking about A FUCKING MASK!... I'm afraid you'll break my heart. I want the truth!
"Help me help you. I will not rest until I have you holding a Coke, wearing your own shoe, playing a Sega game featuring you, while singing your own song in a new commercial, starring you, broadcast during the Superbowl, in a game that you are winning, and I will not sleep until that happens... I'm gonna let ya' in on a little secret: K-Mart sucks.
June 16, 2005
A MAG A PLAN A CANAL PAGAMA (Or, A Short History of Palindromic Titles)*
*Is it too late to jump on the Radar blogwagon? Oh, it is? Well, fuck off! I've been busy, okay?
Awww, c'mon, baby. Don't cry. Don't be like that. Matty's sorry. You know I love you, right? Oh, I don't? Then why do I do so much for you? Writing all these entries—for you. Finding photos that look like other photos—for you. Coming up with hack jokes—say it with me, for you.
What did you say? Don't you dare talk back to me! One more word out of your mouth and you'll be sleeping over your sister's blog tonight.
And later, when I google "Laden", "Jet", and "Crash", I'll reach this article
Via the brilliant headline writers at the Associated Press, Thursday, June 16, 2005:
Bomb-laden jet crashes in backyard
"Move on"? While we're at it, we'll also forgive and forget you and your cronies' innumerable past indiscretions, too
"Science", perhaps better known in academic circles as "the Grand Arch-Nemesis of the Bush Administration," has once again reared its ugly, evolved, ozone-reducing head to embarrass the White House and its henchmen. Specifically, the startling revelation from Florida that autopsy results from that ol' Terri Schiavo incident did, in fact, confirm the suspicion held by the vast majority of Americans that the martyr-in-question was, effectively, brain dead. No hope of revival. Like, dead. Doorknob. Et cetera.
From "Frist: Schiavo Autopsy Results End Case," via the Associated Press:
"The diagnosis they made is exactly right. It's the pathology, I'll respect that. I think it's time to move on," Frist said on CBS' "The Early Show."
EARLIER: "Frist views video, disputes Schiavo diagnosis: Senatorâ€™s comments raise eyebrows in medical, political circles", the Washington Post, March 19, 2005
OTHER SHIT WE'VE ALREADY FORGOTTEN ABOUT BECAUSE YOU THOUGHT IT WAS BEST TO MOVE ON IN THE CULTURE WARS, THE WAR ON TERRORISM, ETC.:
The initially-proposed $15 million in aid for tsunami relief efforts
Et cetera. Ad infinitum.
And how does one say "immunity" in Latin?
June 15, 2005
OK, Mr. President, then please explain why this image gives me more cause for alarm than it does comfort me
June 14, 2005
Where's Mr. Segue Man When You Need Him?
SHOCK VERDICT CLEARS JACKO OF KIDDIE SEX - AND CROWNS DA TEAM THE KINGS OF FLOP, by David K. Li and Kate Sheehy, The New York Post, June 14, 2005.
BOYS ARE BACK, by Maxine Shen, ibid.
June 13, 2005
The Man's Got Nothing On Him (Boys, On the other hand...)
June 11, 2005
Collapse That Metaphor
"Denise Jack and other car owners thought they had it bad when a 75-foot retaining wall in Washington Heights in northern Manhattan collapsed on May 12, burying their parked vehicles beneath untold tons of debris. But their ordeal was actually just beginning.
"Their cars remain buried there today, and none are expected to be unearthed until the rest of the wall is stabilized and the rubble removed - up to a year from now.
"Until then, they are caught in the world of insurance limbo.
- A Wall Fell on Their Cars. Then Bad Luck Set In., by Anahad O'Connor and Rachel Metz, The New York Times, June 11, 2005.
June 9, 2005
Well, At Least One Base Won't Be Closing
"Defense Secretary Donald H. Rumsfeld said Wednesday that the Bush administration was not considering shutting down the detention center at GuantÃ¡namo Bay, Cuba, and he defended the treatment of its prisoners by their American military guards and interrogators as humane."
Related: Pentagon to Release Data on Base Closings, AP/Guardian, May 28, 2005
June 8, 2005
From sunrise to sunset; from one Turkey to another
Here's President Bush's schedule for today, by way of the Washington Post's White House Briefing for June 8, 2005:
Think of it as another employee discount
General Motors said Tuesday that it would cut about 25,000 jobs from its blue-collar work force in the United States by the end of 2008, in a broad move to reckon with its declining grip on the American car market.
With Apologies to the editors of Details (And Gays. And Fast food eaters. And Anyone who thinks comedy should be funny.)
Traditionally famous for his red hair and yellow jump suit, Ronald will be seen juggling fruit and snowboarding in a TV advert to be screened on Friday.
Life lessons, as overheard by those with friends who have blackberries or SMS-enabled phones
"Wow, Anne Bancroft is dead."
"Oh my God, I just got a text saying Britney got married."
"Holy shit, Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston are filing for divorce."
"Trey from the OC is on 1st Ave!"
"The Killers show is awesome."
"Fuck, I forgot to tivo SNL."
June 5, 2005
The Voices! Those Blasted Voices! I Can't Stop The Voices In My Heeeeeaaaaad!
"'I have this little game I play in my head when someone gets an appointment,' said Chris Matthews, the host of MSNBC's 'Hardball.' 'And I say, "Now, how did that happen?" And then someone will say, "Well, they went to school together," or "They live next door to each other," or "Their wives are friends." And you go, "Oh, yeah," and it clicks.' On the other hand, he said, 'serendipity is a big part of our lives, but it grows in direct proportion to sociability.'"
June 4, 2005
Hello Muddah, Hello Faddah...
A military inquiry has found that guards or interrogators at the GuantÃ¡namo Bay detention center in Cuba kicked, stepped on and splashed urine on the Koran, in some cases intentionally but in others by accident, the Pentagon said on Friday.
Our counselors are really crazy! One night they threw water balloons at us while we were sleeping! We all laughed a lot, but then we realized they got my Holy Koran wet and I got mad. But they apologized and promised all of us a pizza party! (Once a counselor accidentally splashed pee-pee on my bunkmate's Holy Koran and we had an ice cream party.)
Next week we're going to a petting zoo with real live animals! It's gonna be great! We might also go swimming, but I am afraid I might drown. Ha ha ha.
I miss you both a lot and I hope to see you soon. Can you please send me a care package with fresh water and some Band-Aids?
Love, Your Son
Make our "team" part of your "team"