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  June 30, 2005
Mamma Mia!

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Yeah, we know it's a little late, but it's not every day you discover someone copping Abba's style.

Big ups to James R.!

Posted at 8:53 AM in a Shallow, Versus fashion.
The Perfect Byline
by Quip Meekly

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So Fresh and So Clean: Via The New York Times/Victor Lopes

Are Men Ready for the 5-Step, 10-Minute Shave?, by Nick Burns, The New York Times, June 30, 2005.

Apparently Silky Smooth was on assignment covering the "last throes" of the Iraqi insurgency.

Earlier: Beard Hacker: The low culture Guide to Shaving

Posted at 7:48 AM in a Shallow fashion.
  June 28, 2005
Weight Watch: Lindsay Lohan, Nicole Ritchie, and...Condi Rice?

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President Bush with Secretary of State, Condoleezza Rice and two other unidentified people settle in at Washington Nationals games against the Toronto Blue Jays at RFK Stadium, Friday, June 24, 2005, in Washington. (AP Photo/Lawrence Jackson)

Posted at 10:11 AM in a Grave fashion.
Blue Chips Ahoy

The recent revelation that Saddam Hussein has a taste for Jay Leno-approved nacho-cheese chip Doritos has sent shock waves through the snack food industry. I recently contacted PepsiCo's board of directors about their thoughts on the shocking, possibly treasonous, matter. (Disclosure: PepsiCo owns Frito Lays which owns Doritos which holds a majority stake in low culture heavy industries.)

From: guy v. cimbalo [[email protected]]
Sent: Thursday, June 23, 2005 12:13 AM
To: SPA - Board Of Directors {PEP}
Subject: Investment Concerns

Dear Sirs and Madames:

I am very concerned about recent revelations that Saddam Hussein enjoys Doritos. This man is a tyrant, while Doritos should represent peace, justice, and American snack food at its best.

PepsiCo. forms a large part of my mutual fund's investment portfolio and I have begun to feel that I should divest myself of the holdings.

I would like to know what Frito-Lay intends to do in order to quell this public relations nightmare.

Yours,

Guy Cimbalo

Their response after the jump...

Continue reading...
Posted at 9:03 AM in a Shallow fashion.
  June 24, 2005
Maybe If She Tried Wearing A Hat...

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Courtney Love (L) and Rocky Dennis (R)

"What's the matter, never seen anyone from the planet Vulcan before?"
1985's Mask

Posted at 8:18 AM in a Shallow fashion.
  June 21, 2005
low culture Presents: No Jacket Required, Vol. 1

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Welcome to the bleeding edge! It's official, then...this "podcasting" thing is bloody hot!

low culture is proud to present the first, inaugural, premiere episode of "No Jacket Required", a no-holds-barred look at contemporary arts and culture. This mp3/podcast/olde timey radio broadcast runs somewhere around eleven minutes: perfect for your commute home, downtime at work, or on constant repeat throughout your day (it's possible to enjoy "No Jacket Required" over 130 times in the course of a 24-hour period).

You've come to rely on low culture for reasonably entertaining satire and comedy -- now give "No Jacket Required" a try. Seriously, we think you'll enjoy it. Earnestly, even.

And maybe it'll explain why we've been so damned absent of late?

No Jacket Required, Ep. 1, 11:35, 10MB

Posted at 6:15 AM in a Podcasting, Shallow fashion.
  June 20, 2005
Okay, Now I'm Definitely Against Human Cloning

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Army of Headless Clones: Protestors condemn John Bolton, via Yahoo/AFP.

Related: "Malkovich, Malkovich, Malkovich."

Posted at 2:20 PM in a Grave fashion.
  June 17, 2005
low culture Exclusive: Tom Cruise's Actual Proposal to Katie Holmes

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Vanilla Guy: "I WANNA WAKE UP!"

Film star Tom Cruise has asked girlfriend Katie Holmes to marry him, he announced on Friday, ending weeks of speculation over whether Hollywood's hottest couple would wed.

Appearing with Holmes at a Paris news conference, the 42-year-old explained how he had chosen the Eiffel Tower in the city of romance to make his move.

"Yes I proposed to Kate last night ... because it is very beautiful and romantic here," Cruise said, clarifying later that the engagement had actually begun in the early hours of Friday. - Cruise proposes to actress Holmes at Eiffel Tower, by Joanna Partridge, Reuters, June 17, 2005.

"That's more than a dress. That's an Audrey Hepburn movie. We barely know each other. I don't think we've had a single conversation about anything except your father. We got nothing to talk about. Sometimes you just gotta say 'What the fuck.' In this life, it's not what you hope for, it's not what you deserve—it's what you take I feel the need... the need for speed.

"I've drained you to the point of death. If I leave you here, you die. Or you can be young always, my friend, as we are now, but you must tell me: will you come or no?

"Where exactly are we going... exactly?...Where the rainbow ends? Good. Because for a minute there, I thought we were talking about A FUCKING MASK!... I'm afraid you'll break my heart. I want the truth!

"Help me help you. I will not rest until I have you holding a Coke, wearing your own shoe, playing a Sega game featuring you, while singing your own song in a new commercial, starring you, broadcast during the Superbowl, in a game that you are winning, and I will not sleep until that happens... I'm gonna let ya' in on a little secret: K-Mart sucks.

"Don't be afraid. I'm going to give you the choice I never had... No one could resist me, not even you... Just forget about that mortal coil. You'll become accustomed to it, all too quickly.

"Let me ask you something: are you out of your fucking mind? I will not apologize for who I am. I love you. You... complete me... Cause you're good. We're in this together. Fates intertwined.

"You're my motherfucker! I had your ass over the grinder and it's okay enough to thank me, shithead. Jump in my nightmare, the water's warm!"

Posted at 9:18 AM in a Shallow fashion.
  June 16, 2005
A MAG A PLAN A CANAL PAGAMA (Or, A Short History of Palindromic Titles)*

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RADAR

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ELLE

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POP

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T

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AOXOMOXOA

*Is it too late to jump on the Radar blogwagon? Oh, it is? Well, fuck off! I've been busy, okay?

Awww, c'mon, baby. Don't cry. Don't be like that. Matty's sorry. You know I love you, right? Oh, I don't? Then why do I do so much for you? Writing all these entries—for you. Finding photos that look like other photos—for you. Coming up with hack jokes—say it with me, for you.

What did you say? Don't you dare talk back to me! One more word out of your mouth and you'll be sleeping over your sister's blog tonight.

Posted at 2:33 PM in a Shallow fashion.
And later, when I google "Laden", "Jet", and "Crash", I'll reach this article

Via the brilliant headline writers at the Associated Press, Thursday, June 16, 2005:

Bomb-laden jet crashes in backyard

Phoenix â€' A U.S. Marine Corps jet carrying four 500-pound bombs crashed into the backyard of a home during a training exercise, but the pilot ejected safely and only one person on the ground was slightly injured, authorities said.

Posted at 12:48 PM in a Grave fashion.
"Move on"? While we're at it, we'll also forgive and forget you and your cronies' innumerable past indiscretions, too

tschiavo_frist_video.jpg"Science", perhaps better known in academic circles as "the Grand Arch-Nemesis of the Bush Administration," has once again reared its ugly, evolved, ozone-reducing head to embarrass the White House and its henchmen. Specifically, the startling revelation from Florida that autopsy results from that ol' Terri Schiavo incident did, in fact, confirm the suspicion held by the vast majority of Americans that the martyr-in-question was, effectively, brain dead. No hope of revival. Like, dead. Doorknob. Et cetera.

From "Frist: Schiavo Autopsy Results End Case," via the Associated Press:

"The diagnosis they made is exactly right. It's the pathology, I'll respect that. I think it's time to move on," Frist said on CBS' "The Early Show."

EARLIER: "Frist views video, disputes Schiavo diagnosis: Senator’s comments raise eyebrows in medical, political circles", the Washington Post, March 19, 2005

OTHER SHIT WE'VE ALREADY FORGOTTEN ABOUT BECAUSE YOU THOUGHT IT WAS BEST TO MOVE ON IN THE CULTURE WARS, THE WAR ON TERRORISM, ETC.:

The initially-proposed $15 million in aid for tsunami relief efforts
Joseph Wilson and Valerie Plame
16 words (including "Niger" and "uranium")
Richard Clarke and Condoleeza Rice's 9/11 memorandum
The proposed modification of the Constitution to placate the religious right ("Gay Marriage" edition)
The proposed modification of the Constitution to placate the religious right ("Activist Judges" edition)
Last month's Downing Street memo
Paul O'Neill's account that the Iraq invasion was planned prior to 9/11
L. Paul Bremer's warning that the U.S. had troop shortages in Iraq
The war in Iraq

Et cetera. Ad infinitum.

And how does one say "immunity" in Latin?

Posted at 11:49 AM in a Grave fashion.
  June 15, 2005
OK, Mr. President, then please explain why this image gives me more cause for alarm than it does comfort me

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Posted at 11:22 AM in a Grave fashion.
  June 14, 2005
Where's Mr. Segue Man When You Need Him?

SHOCK VERDICT CLEARS JACKO OF KIDDIE SEX - AND CROWNS DA TEAM THE KINGS OF FLOP, by David K. Li and Kate Sheehy, The New York Post, June 14, 2005.

BOYS ARE BACK, by Maxine Shen, ibid.

Posted at 7:48 AM in a Shallow fashion.
  June 13, 2005
The Man's Got Nothing On Him (Boys, On the other hand...)

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Lucky (Boy) Fucker: Relieved, Jackson's going home to bury himself in his Blanket.

Posted at 6:43 PM in a Shallow fashion.
  June 11, 2005
Collapse That Metaphor

"Denise Jack and other car owners thought they had it bad when a 75-foot retaining wall in Washington Heights in northern Manhattan collapsed on May 12, burying their parked vehicles beneath untold tons of debris. But their ordeal was actually just beginning.

"Their cars remain buried there today, and none are expected to be unearthed until the rest of the wall is stabilized and the rubble removed - up to a year from now.

"Until then, they are caught in the world of insurance limbo.
"[...]
"'These people have a bit of an uphill battle,' said Anthony Michael Sabino, a law professor at St. John's University."

- A Wall Fell on Their Cars. Then Bad Luck Set In., by Anahad O'Connor and Rachel Metz, The New York Times, June 11, 2005.

Posted at 11:59 PM in a Shallow fashion.
  June 9, 2005
Well, At Least One Base Won't Be Closing

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Gitmo' Money, Gitmo' Problems: Take down the sign, boys, we're back in business!

"Defense Secretary Donald H. Rumsfeld said Wednesday that the Bush administration was not considering shutting down the detention center at Guantánamo Bay, Cuba, and he defended the treatment of its prisoners by their American military guards and interrogators as humane."
- Rumsfeld Says Guantánamo Isn't Being Considered for Closing, by Thom Shanker, The New York Times, June 9, 2005

Related: Pentagon to Release Data on Base Closings, AP/Guardian, May 28, 2005

Posted at 9:36 AM in a Grave fashion.
  June 8, 2005
From sunrise to sunset; from one Turkey to another

Here's President Bush's schedule for today, by way of the Washington Post's White House Briefing for June 8, 2005:

Today's Calendar:

Bush met this morning with Turkish Prime Minister Recep Tayyip Erdogan.

Also today, he speaks about Social Security before a meeting of builders and contractors at the Capital Hilton, sits down for an interview with Neil Cavuto of Fox News to be shown this afternoon, and meets with Republican congressional leaders.

Tonight he is scheduled to watch "Cinderella Man" at the White House.

Posted at 4:01 PM in a Grave fashion.
Think of it as another employee discount

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General Motors said Tuesday that it would cut about 25,000 jobs from its blue-collar work force in the United States by the end of 2008, in a broad move to reckon with its declining grip on the American car market.

The cuts, which represent about 22 percent of the hourly work force, would bring G.M.'s nationwide employment to 86,000 hourly workers, roughly the number it employed in the city of Flint, Mich., in the 1970's.
- G.M. Will Reduce Hourly Workers in U.S. by 25,000, by Danny Hakim, The New York Times, June 8, 2005.

Related: GM Employee Discount for Everyone Event

Posted at 3:48 PM in a Grave fashion.
With Apologies to the editors of Details (And Gays. And Fast food eaters. And Anyone who thinks comedy should be funny.)

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Click for larger version.

Traditionally famous for his red hair and yellow jump suit, Ronald will be seen juggling fruit and snowboarding in a TV advert to be screened on Friday.

The leaner, more health-conscious Ronald will encourage children to get up and join him playing sports.
-Ronald McDonald turns health guru, BBC, June 8, 2005.

Hackier: The George W. Bush Book Club (All Hack Edition)

Posted at 11:19 AM in a Shallow fashion.
Life lessons, as overheard by those with friends who have blackberries or SMS-enabled phones

"Wow, Anne Bancroft is dead."

"Oh my God, I just got a text saying Britney got married."

"Holy shit, Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston are filing for divorce."

"Trey from the OC is on 1st Ave!"

"The Killers show is awesome."

"Fuck, I forgot to tivo SNL."

Posted at 8:10 AM in a Shallow fashion.
  June 5, 2005
The Voices! Those Blasted Voices! I Can't Stop The Voices In My Heeeeeaaaaad!

pyscho_analysis.jpg"'I have this little game I play in my head when someone gets an appointment,' said Chris Matthews, the host of MSNBC's 'Hardball.' 'And I say, "Now, how did that happen?" And then someone will say, "Well, they went to school together," or "They live next door to each other," or "Their wives are friends." And you go, "Oh, yeah," and it clicks.' On the other hand, he said, 'serendipity is a big part of our lives, but it grows in direct proportion to sociability.'"
- If They Gave Nobels for Networking. . ., by Elisabeth Bumiller, The New York Times, June 5, 2005.

Further Listening: Psychoanalyis: What Is It?, by Prince Paul
Related: Letters to a Young Blogger, by David Maria Brooks

Posted at 10:50 AM in a Shallow fashion.
  June 4, 2005
Hello Muddah, Hello Faddah...

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A military inquiry has found that guards or interrogators at the Guantánamo Bay detention center in Cuba kicked, stepped on and splashed urine on the Koran, in some cases intentionally but in others by accident, the Pentagon said on Friday.
[...]
The investigation into allegations that the Koran had been mishandled also found that in one instance detainees' Korans were wet because guards on the night shift had thrown water balloons on the cellblock.
- Military Details Koran Incidents at Base in Cuba, by Eric Schmitt, The New York Times, June 4, 2005.

Dear Mom and Dad,
Greetings from Camp X Ray where if the food doesn't kill ya, something else probably will! Ha ha ha. Just kidding.

I am having a lot of fun here and am meeting a lot of really, really nice people from all over the world. We do sports for one hour every day and we get to sing along to all kinds of music.

Our counselors are really crazy! One night they threw water balloons at us while we were sleeping! We all laughed a lot, but then we realized they got my Holy Koran wet and I got mad. But they apologized and promised all of us a pizza party! (Once a counselor accidentally splashed pee-pee on my bunkmate's Holy Koran and we had an ice cream party.)

Next week we're going to a petting zoo with real live animals! It's gonna be great! We might also go swimming, but I am afraid I might drown. Ha ha ha.

I miss you both a lot and I hope to see you soon. Can you please send me a care package with fresh water and some Band-Aids?

Love, Your Son

Posted at 9:32 PM in a Grave fashion.
Make our "team" part of your "team"
jean-paul tremblayJean-Paul Tremblay written-ed, directed and co-produced a bunch of so-called "comedy" and "video" content, is notoriously competitive, and nonetheless settles for bottom-tier tokenism. Repped by John Herndon at Grape Dope Entertainment. Thrill jockey!
matt haberMatt Haber has written for The New York Times, Esquire, and The New York Observer. He is not allergic to pet dander and can do "ethnic" accents if the part calls for it. He is repped by Candy Addams at Entertainment 4-Every-1. Feeling special?
Guy Cimbalo is so cute! Yes, he is. Who's a cute little Guy? You are, you are! Guy's our very own star of stage and screen and is repped by Jeff Kwatinetz at The Firm. Rowr!
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