July 13, 2004
The glaringly obvious joke would be, "Would you like freedom fries with that?"


As that old "uniter-not-divider" canard strikes anew, a handful of conservatives with their eye on the upcoming presidential election have (very, very, very predictably) earmarked the corporation at the source of Democratic presidential candidate John Kerry's wife's fortune as the target of their ire. Yes, Theresa Heinz Kerry, or rather, Heinz, the ketchup giant she inherited from her deceased Republican husband, is slated for a round of negligible victimization with the release of W Ketchup. From their site:

"W Ketchup™ is made in America, from ingredients grown in the USA. The leading competitor not only has 57 varieties, but has 57 foreign factories as well. W Ketchup comes in one flavor: American. Choose Heinz and you're supporting Teresa and her husband's Gulfstream Jet, and liberal causes such as Kerry for President."

All good points...and I know I prefer American-flavored ketchup to its various alternatives. And while a 24-ounce bottle of traitorous Heinz-brand ketchup runs a measly $1.69 at FreshDirect, compared with W Ketchup's steeper $3 price tag, bear in mind that "a portion of every W Ketchup sale will be donated to to the Freedom Alliance Scholarship Fund, which provides scholarships for the children of active duty service members killed in the line of duty."

In other words, the more ketchup your kids buy to cover themselves in lieu of blood while pretending to be shot or maimed in childish war games, the more children of actually-killed soldiers benefit! (It's a win-win scenario, save for those troops who were merely maimed, in which case, the kids get nothing.)

Well, there's nothing wrong with freedom, liberty, or American-grown tomatoes. And there's nothing inherently wrong with selfishly looking after your own interests, either. So, please, please, be generous and open your wallets to purchase some of the progressively-minded alternative products below, which we'll be making available shortly.

Lefty™ brand rifles and shotguns

Earth-First unfarmed and recycled tobacco and cigarette-paper products

"Kerry" brand army transport vehicles

Li-burn-all™ brand gasoline (developed at our wide variety of Liberal-owned Alaskan oil refineries)

Abortionist™ brand fetus jars, not to be confused with...

Do-It-Yourself Stem-Cell Kits—FOR KIDS! (also safe for old people)

Green® toxic waste

Porsche™ minivans and sport utility vehicles (as a Euro-loving alternative to the Ryder™ truck used to blow up Oklahoma City's Alfred P. Murrah Federal Office Building)

Oh, and lots and lots of Dijon mustard.

(Thanks to Jeff.)

Posted in a Grave fashion.

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