February 3, 2005
State of the Union, 2005: Fun with Word Counts


Arbiters of language and justice are seemingly obsessed with the issue of word count in President Bush's speeches – in particular, his noted recent over-emphasis on the grandiose notions of "freedom" and "liberty".

Well, then, this seems like an easy (if not excessively lazy) manner of proving any sort of ideological point, however disingenuous it may be in spirit...and with that in mind, we hereby are setting out to prove, through careful study of last night's 2005 State of the Union address, that while President Bush does in fact love the idea of spreading American ideals around the world, he nonetheless hates the people who clean his toilets.

Ok, now, you need proof? Take a look at this precise, scientific statistical breakdown of the President's address last night:

FREEDOM: 21 instances.
So easy. This indicates a devotion to America and all that for which it stands. Peace, justice, and the American way. Liberty. Democracy. Phrases that can appear on the back of coins. The president loves this shit.

POOR: 1 instance.
This noted depreciation in verbal occurrences, in turn, reveals a deep-seated desire to spit upon the nation's army of vacuuming and janitorial specialists. And those people that work at Auntie Anne's Pretzel Shack at the local mall? They, too, shall be subjected to the President's spittle, in an unusual reversal of the food server/servee relationship.

Oh, and there's one other remaining gem buried within this close reading of the President's address:

ASBESTOS: 1 instance.
That's right, Bush abhors people who live and/or work in homes or buildings constructed prior to the 1970s.

The White House, incidentally, was heavily redesigned in the 1980s, so it's totally "safe" in this matter. Contractors added this cute little balcony on the South Portico during the Reagan administration, and while uptight White House historians like Doris Kearns Goodwin readily insist this was done under President Truman's watch, we all know how Goodwin has herself been discredited time and again as a liar.

Ergo, asbestos...Reagan...Bush hates poor people.

Posted in a Grave fashion.

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