May 31, 2005
Unintentionally Hilarious Photo of the Moment, Vol. 54
This summer, as we eagerly await the release of yet another crop of comic book movies from the Marvel/DC Comics pipeline, Twentieth Century Fox's upcoming Fantastic Four is looking to be quite a rough-and-tumble tale. Well, at least the trailers make this out to be the case, featuring little more than a series of elaborate, action-packed falls from buildings on the part of the film's heroes and villains.
After alland most studio executives will agree with us, herenothing is more thrilling to today's moviegoing audience than a character's being hurled from atop a great height, right? I ask you, can an intriguing sub-plot be thrown from a skyscraper? No. A complex, well-shaded character arc? Can that cling desperately to a window ledge suspended fifty stories above street level? No, of course not.
So, here we are, with the Fantastic Four's fantastic falls:
May 26, 2005
The Middle Eastern Tsunami, or, Buying new Caterpillar bulldozers to repair the damage done by your older Caterpillar bulldozers
From the Associated Press: White House Hopes to Boost Palestinian With Visit and Aid, May 26, 2005:
Bush also announced that United States will direct $50 million for housing and other construction aid to the Palestinian Authority to help Palestinians in Gaza once Israelis leave this August.
RELATED: US Senate approves 2005 Israel aid package - Israel will receive $2.2 billion in military aid and $480 million in civilian aid: "Each year, Israel receives the largest share of US foreign aid, which totals $17 billion in the current fiscal year. Egypt is the second largest recipient of aid, with $1.9 billion. Jordan receives $464 million, after the 0.59% deduction. In addition to the annual aid, the US has provided Israel with $9 billion in loan guarantees over three years, or $3 billion a year."
U.S. Financial Aid To Israel: Figures, Facts, and Impact: "Total U.S. aid to Israel is approximately one-third of the American foreign-aid budget, even though Israel comprises just .001 percent of the world's population and already has one of the world's higher per capita incomes."
Hydrogen, huh? This must be that energy initiative I'm half-assedly endorsing that will inevitably fail to knock my old oil cronies from their positions of power
The O.C.'s not on tonight? I think I'll go for a swim, then
Thursday evening, 8 o'clock sharp. I used to spend this special time perched atop my loveseat, giddily staring at the television set and mentally preparing to absorb the wonders of West Coast suburban culture as filtered to me via the broadcast networks.
And then summer arrived, and they all abandoned me. Not the networks, I mean...they're still there, doling out quality product week after week. No, I've got a very specific axe to grind. I'm talking about Peter Gallagher. Mischa Barton. Josh Schwartz. Despots of the airwaves, each and every one of them. And Schwartz? He's their tyrannical leader.
My kids think I have a problem. My eldest son, fully-grown and fresh out of culinary school, has scolded me for what he deems an "unhealthy" interest in the goings-on of fictitious characters and/or executive producers and/or series creators. But my son, you see, never understood my focus, my diligence...
How I hate my son for his lack of compassion. How I miss presiding over real family bonding, such as the antics of Ryan Atwood and his nettlesome older brother, or Kirsten Cohen and her Jewish husband.
Sitting here at work, gazing out the window upon the parking lot below...I'm a sour, lonely, bitter old man. To hell with my initial idea of taking laps in the pool; I think I'll sleep in my office tonight.
Actually, I've never seen The O.C.; I'm sure it's pretty good.
The O.C. used to air on Thursdays at 8PM EST on FOX, but then summer started. It's not yet noon, and my night is already ruined.
Earlier: O.C.-centric entries, wherein we celebrated our joyous embrace of "all things Newport Beach".
The indiscreet charms of the bourgeoisie
WHICH set of former has-beens-that-never-were returned to the glare of the spotlight earlier this month? WHO reissued their most prominent document of fame and fortune yet, in what is either the ultimate comeback or merely another attempt to cash in on the zeitgeist of bourgeoisie socialism? WHAT makes this sort of bougie urban politicism that far removed from an overriding cultural interest in Jessica Simpson's techniques for obtaining a bikini-worthy body?
(with thanks to Adit Nathan)
May 25, 2005
Primo Product Placement, Vol. 2: FILA's marketing campaign goes into high gear
May 23, 2005
Iraq: Winning the War, but Losing the Battles -- again, and again, and again
10 Dead as Car Bomb Tears Apart Baghdad Restaurant, the Los Angeles Times
OK, those are some pretty distressing headlines, but...what exactly does a car bombing look like?
This Week in Green Muslim Puppetry
May 20, 2005
Now, this was clearly inspired by Newsweek...or was it?
RELATED: Well, clearly this was all Newsweek's fault, which, way back when, was meant as a ridiculous joke. At least the White House laughed!
If Buchanan Wasn't Against the War Before, He Sure Is Now
A Majority amongst the Minority
Wait, wait, what's this? God, this is all so confusing. As a reasonal, racially non-biased American a white person (though, you know, of course, race doesn't matter to me...), I need to know, once and for all: Who do these mysterious Black People I keep hearing about support?
The delicate art of the "If...Then" statement "exclusive"
Today's New York Daily News cover story touts the boldest of exclusives: "New York's top lawmakers have been warned: Mess around with the West Side Stadium and the Olympics are lost." Meaning, of course, that unless the proposed real-estate grabbing, massively bond-and-taxpayer-funded West Side stadium is erected near Penn Station, there can be no 2012 New York Olympics. (How very sad! New Yorkers have surely been pining for a long-term re-enactment of the hassle that was last fall's 2004 Republican National Convention, right?)
Or, as the Daily News declares in their more appropriately condensed tabloid headline parlance, "NO STADIUM, NO GAMES."
Logic and deductive reasoning? It's, for the time being at least, another Daily News exclusive!
Of course, the rival Post won't take this challenge sitting down. Look for their very own upcoming series of cover-story exclusives, including, but not limited to:
NO CEASEFIRE, NO PEACE
And, of course,
NO POST, NO PUNS
May 19, 2005
Filibuster be damned...There ain't no stopping us now!
The Iraq Party: Hollow Point Bullets Galore!
The celebration of Iraqi democracy's second launch continues. In fact, it's moved into the wacky publicity stunt phase!
Last night, as part of the ongoing launch party for the most expensive, anticipated democratic regime since Tina Brown's revamp of the U.S.S.R., an insurgent lackey escalated the war of words by hurling several bullets at Dr. Ali Hameed, an official from Iraq's Oil Ministry. Dr. Hameed responded by being pronounced dead at 8 AM!
Did somebody say CATFIGHT!!!! Oh, yeah, it's on!
May 18, 2005
You see, this is how we vote in L.A.
RELATED: "L.A. MAYORAL ELECTION Villaraigosa Landslide: Voter Discontent Helps Propel Challenger to a Historic Victory", Los Angeles Times, May 18, 2005
May 15, 2005
We'll Safely Assume That the Heroin OD Is On Its Way
May 13, 2005
Meanwhile All Across the Country, Americans Also Salute DeLay
The Beautiful and the Damned
Related: "The harrah... The harrah..."
May 11, 2005
Well, clearly this was all Newsweek's fault
Afghanistan Sees Worst Anti-U.S. Protests Since Fall of Taliban, the New York Times, May 11, 2005:
Four Afghan protesters were killed and more than 60 were injured today in the eastern city of Jalalabad in the worst anti-American demonstrations Afghanistan has seen in the three years since the fall of the Taliban.
Please take this opportunity to join us, and let the editors of Newsweek know how disappointed you are by canceling your subscription.
Unintentionally Hilarious Photo of the Moment, Vol. 53
May 10, 2005
low culture Exclusive: Oh, Man, I Can't Believe We're The First Blog That Thought To Make Fun of This Thing!
Have you seen The Huffington Post yet? Isn't it sort of... funny? (Get it!?!)
May 6, 2005
Lost in Transatlanticism: the Peace Duke and his Quest for Diplomacy
In anticipation of President Bush's diplomatic trip to the Baltic States this weekend, protesters in Riga, Latvia were out in full force today. Thankfully, these were literate types you know, real Eastern European, Milan Kundera-reading coffeehouse denizens and took the opportunity to demonstrate against Bush's arrival using that uniquely untapped Baltic brand of oblique irony.
As you can see above, however, their protestation is so goddamned indirect that, well, the "Engrish"-esque point is nearly lost on an American audience. "Peace Duke?" The idea comes across, but just barely.
Some blunter, coarser suggestions for future demonstrations in Riga:
NO MORE NATO
RELATED: Google results for "peace duke", which you shouldn't bother clicking, as they're of no help at all
Krisis In Krumpland!
From, Why Is Chappelle's Show at a Halt? Not Because of Drugs, an Aide Says, by Jesse McKinley and Lola Ongunnaike, The New York Times, May 6, 2005:
Representatives of the comedian Dave Chappelle yesterday denied rumors that drugs were involved in the suspension of production of his acclaimed sketch comedy show, 'Chappelle's Show.'
Related?: Dave Chapelle [sic]
Hold tight and buckle up, boys, cos it's time to Praaaaaaaaay!!!
RELATED: Bush Marks National Day of Prayer, the Associated Press
May 5, 2005
Re-Awakened Firefighter Donald Herbert's Personalized American History (from 1995 to the Present)
Courtesy of New York Times writer James Barron, and his account of brain-injured firefighter Donald Herbert's remarkable recuperation from his decade-long comatose state, we're treated to this handy, pocket-sized, sentence-length compendium of the events of the past ten years in American History (After Sudden Lucidity, Firefighter Is Less Animated, May 5, 2005):
Dr. Ahmed said Mr. Herbert thought that it had been only a couple of months since the accident, not a decade - in which a president was tried for impeachment; e-mail and cellphones became popular; and his hometown football team, the Buffalo Bills, made the playoffs four times.
Clinton's impeachment, technology's growth and proliferation, etc...This seems to cover all the bases, for the most part.
Shit...Wait, wait, something's missing, right? What the fuck else has happened in the past ten years? Maybe George Pataki can help us out here:
"We will never forget the individual lives that were lost, the tremendous personal sacrifices and the countless acts of heroism that will forever mark September 11, 2001 as a day the world changed forever," Governor Pataki said. "Those heroes will be forever in the hearts and minds of people throughout New York State and around the world."
There you have it: Bills quarterback Doug Flutie, forever in our hearts and minds.
Star Wars: Revenge of Rosencrantz & Guildenstern
Per low culture's reliable sources deep within Skywalker Ranch, there's a good reason Revenge of the Sith is getting such glowing reviews -- Tom Stoppard wrote the script. Producer Rick McCallum insisted Lucas find a ghost writer, and Stoppard was the only writer Lucas wouldn't interfere with.
Yes, We Tease Her, But We're Not Above Offering Her Some Baby Product Recommendations
May 4, 2005
Primo product placement: I'm a pepper, she's a pepper...Wouldn't you like to pepper spray these Muslim savages, too?
RELATED: Judge Rejects England's Guilty Plea in Abu Ghraib Case, NPR
May 2, 2005
More Hard Bodies for Your Monday
via ez board
Screw Cristal, With Oil Prices Through the Roof, This Is Really Decadent
From Left to Right: Mushrooms, pot, coke, and glue (or, "Jenna Watch, Vol. 3")
Make our "team" part of your "team"