April 19, 2005
In Preparation For The Release of A Lot Like Love, Instructions for Ashton Kutcher Lovers
Congratulations on adopting or purchasing your Ashton Kutcher. In the coming days and weeks you will bond with your new Ashton Kutcher in ways that you can only begin to imagine at this time. Ask anyone who's welcomed Ashton Kutcher into their lives, and they will tell you that he becomes a fast member of the family, brings hours of fun, laughter, happiness, and joy to children, adults, and seniors.
But in order to enjoy your Ashton Kutcher to the fullest, there are a few things you need to know to take care of him the best way possible. Ashton Kutcher is an independent, mischievous animal; he needs attention, love, and a little discipline to feel comfortable and safe in your home. These helpful hints will make your life with Ashton Kutcher that much easier.
First off, know that in the wild Ashton Kutchers roam in packs, also known as 'posses.' This is an important fact, since as you bond with your Ashton Kutcher, he will come to think of you as his posse. Ashton Kutcher is loyal and intensely protective of his posse and he has a tendency to bond closest with the older alpha-female of the posse. Some even say Ashton Kutchers are nature's 'Mama's boys.'
Your Ashton Kutcher may attempt to impress you with clownish antics, sometimes going so far as to humiliate or degrade himself to please you. How far you let your Ashton Kutcher go in this respect is entirely up to the individual: some Ashton Kutcher companions (no one "owns" an Ashton Kutcher!) allow their Ashton Kutchers to be loud and obnoxious, while others keep a tighter reign on their Ashton Kutchers. You will learn over time what's best for you and your Ashton Kutcher, but be prepared for some disciplining and scolding: Ashton Kutchers tend to be headstrong!
Once you've firmly established the boundaries on your relationship with your Ashton Kutcher, it's time to make him feel like part of the family. One way to tell your Ashton Kutcher you care is grooming: by tousling your Ashton Kutcher's hair just-so, or helping him to groom his chest hair, you are sending a message to him: I'm here to take care of you, little guy. If he's enjoying it, your Ashton Kutcher will roll over and show you his tummy! If he doesn't enjoy it, he may whimper or hide.
Another great way to bond with your Ashton Kutcher is to take a nap with him. In the wild, Ashton Kutcher posses huddle together for warmth and safety. By spending time napping with your Ashton Kutcher, you will reinforce his natural instincts. But be careful: some owners allow their Ashton Kutchers to sleep in bed with them, and once Ashton Kutcher grows accustomed to the comfort of a human bed, it's hard to wean him of it. Some Ashton Kutcher companions find them to be bed-hogs: and at over 6 feet tall, a full-grown Ashton Kutcher takes up a lot of space! Some Ashton Kutchers are also prone to night terrors: this can become a problem if your Ashton Kutcher keeps you up all night howling and kicking. One way to sooth and reassure your Ashton Kutcher is to offer him his own show on basic cable, or a three picture deal with back-end points. But don't give too much: set boundaries for your Ashton Kutcher and he will respect them-and you!
Feeding your Ashton Kutcher can be tricky. There are several of brands of Ashton Kutcher food available in your local supermarket, but we recommend you buy the higher-quality premium brands. Most Ashton Kutchers prefer low carb diets, but also enjoy the occasional high calorie treat, like ice cream. Yes, you can feed Ashton Kutcher ice cream-but in moderation!
Owning an Ashton Kutcher isn't all work: It's also fun! Take your Ashton Kutcher to a park or nightclub and watch him run and play. (Remember to research Ashton Kutcher leash and license laws in your area.) You may want to invest in an ID tag and affix it to the back of your Ashton Kutcher's trucker hat, just in case you get separated.
The most important thing to know about your new Ashton Kutcher is that because over-breeding and certain genetic flaws in the species, their lifespan tends to be short. You can expect to enjoy great times with your Ashton Kutcher for up to two years, but you shouldn't expect them to be around forever.
You may experience fatigue with your Ashton Kutcher. Fatigue will eventually lead to indifference, which will in turn lead to wondering what, if anything, you ever saw in Ashton Kutcher to begin with. This is not something to feel guilty about: it's completely normal, and it's all part of Mother Nature's plan: Ashton Kutchers can be as tiresome as they are adorable. Just as some species of butterfly are born only to live out their entire lifecycle in one day, so too do Ashton Kutchers come with an innate "expiration date" that makes them useless after a set period of time.
When it's time to say goodbye to your Ashton Kutcher, feelings of guilt and remorse are to be expected. It's normal to grow attached to your Ashton Kutcher. But you must say goodbye for Ashton Kutcher's own good, as well as your own. You have done a wonderful thing allowing Ashton Kutcher into your life and now you must let him go. It's the right thing for Ashton Kutcher, and it's the right thing for you.
If children ask you where Ashton Kutcher went, tell them he's in heaven. It's perfectly okay to lie to kids.
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