Opening today is Pooh's Heffalump Movie, the newest attempt from Disney to expand its Winnie the Pooh franchise. The Heffalump, for those of you not up on A.A. Milne's creative output, never actually makes an appearance in the original books. As imagined by the Heffalump screenwriters, this mythical beast appears to be nothing more than 68 minutes of treacly good cheer (does 68 minute running time count as a feature?).

It would further appear that Heffalump is no more than the well-medicated counterpart to Eeyore, Pooh's perpetually depressed donkey friend. Although Disney now disputes even Eeyore's seemingly certain clinical diagnosis. Their character bible claims,

Eeyore doesn't see himself as gloomy; he just has low expectations... Eeyore's tiny bright pink bow on his tail, the one hint of color against his gray, is a perfect symbol of the kernel of joy that occasionally surfaces in Eeyore.

(Big ups, Patrick)