Spartan is the name of David Mamet's new movie. It's called Spartan, this movie. It's out Friday. This David Mamet movie, it's got stars like Val Kilmer, Derek Luke, and William H. Macy. He's no first-timer, William H. Macy.

The story, well, the plot, is about a kidnapping. This plot is intense. The story, too. The plot and the story, they're both very intense, they're very fucking intense.

And the title. Spartan. This title got us thinking. It's a play on words, this title. A description of the main character, right? But also Mamet's style, the style everyone calls Mametian. Which is easy to make fun of, right? But at least he's being honest about it. What if other directors did the same? These other guys, see, they'd put it all out there, honest to the world.

Brett Ratner: Base
Michael Bay: Epileptic
Mel Gibson: Intense
Peter Jackson: Long
Martin Scorsese: Rote
Michael Mann: Remote
Robert Altman: Old
Steven Spielberg: Employed
Nora Ephron: Palatable
Coen Brothers: Sinking
Spike Lee: Declining, but still shot-through with vitality and inventiveness despite annoying public persona and occasional lapses into self-parody
Peyton Reed: Candy
Steven Soderbergh: Fluctuating
David Fincher: Dark
David O. Russell: Difficult
Terrence Malick: Slow
David Gordon Green: Green
Alexander Payne: Nebraskan
Kevin Smith: Insipid
Wes Anderson: Precious
Paul Thomas Anderson: Florid
Lars von Trier: Rigid
Lynne Ramsay: Oblique
Vincent Gallo: Narcissistic
Rose Troche: Lesbian
Lisa Cholodenko: Experimental
Michel Gondry: Dreamy
Spike Jonze: Hip
Sofia Coppola: Coached
Roman Coppola: Bitter