March 5, 2004
Identical Spins

dcsprouse.jpgAll too often, we witness debates about who's cooler, the Hilton sisters or the Olsen twins: it's a perennial (and perenially boring) topic of debate by pop pundits, which unfortunately usually breaks down to which set of sisters are hotter. (Frankly, we here at low culture feel that the Hiltons are hotter: no, not Paris and the one with the boring name. We mean Daisy and Violet Hilton, from Tod Browning's Freaks: talk about two hot, well-connected chicks!)

What's more interesting, however, is intra-sibling competition, the kind of squabbling and scrapping that those of us with brothers and sisters know very well. (What, you were an only child? No wonder you have so many issues and so few friends.)

Now, imagine if that competition began before you were even bornŚlike, in the womb! Imagine fighting for space, air, and nutrients before you even knew you were competing: that's some intense rivalry, right? It's the sort of thing that might even continue into your 'tween years when your mom and dad set up your vanity Web site so all the world can decide which one of their kids is better. (What, your parents didn't set up a vanity web site for you? They probably also neglected to get you immunized, because, let's face it, they clearly hated your sorry ass.)

Take the Web site devoted to Dylan and Cole Sprouse, the Italian-born but now very all-American young actors who starred in Big Daddy, and play Ross Geller's son Ben on Friends. (Hey, these guys also have indie cred: they're in The Heart is Deceitful Above All Things, Asia Argento's adaptation of JT Leroy's short story collection.)

Judging by the "versus-themed" graphics sampled above, which Dylan and Cole's parents have incorporated into DC, brotherhood is even more competitive when the brothers are budding stars.

With that in mind, we're settling this debate once and for all. Like the Civil War, this is brother versus brother: who will win, Dylan, or Cole?

As a benefit to our readers, we've broken the pageant, er, contest down into several themes, with the first being artistic ability:

dylan-thumbnail.jpg cole_thumbnail.jpg

Notice Dylan's confident usage of form to convey meaning and, more importantly, personality, and the manner in which Cole's formless drawings belie his skills as an actor. The Kiss Army, or an indeterminately-shaped force of three monsters lacking depth and perspective? Hands down, the victor is Dylan.

Moving on, then...what about favorite movies?

Hedwig and the Angry Inch Little Shop of Horrors

Oh, God, no contest. John Cameron Mitchell and his character's transgender identity crisis set to an anthemic rock music score, versus Frank Oz and a giant talking plant, and tepid songs about dentists? Dylan, natch.

Next round: language skills. Here they are first discussing their favorite author, R.L. Stine, and then their favorite video games:

"He really captures kids attention with his creepy tales," says Dylan. "I have read so many of them," he continues. "His books are the best, because they are funny and scary," says Cole.
This game is Awesome!!! A pretty cool game.

OK, not quite as open-and-shut as before, but we'll credit Dylan for his increased usage of multi-syllabic words, when possible (not to mention his buoyantly enthusiastic "multi-exclamation point" usage, too Ś that's sibling revelry!).

Finally, let's assess the twins' analytical ability. Here they are in response to being asked about their favorite sports:

We either play basketball or football. For football, we usually play on the street, so we can only play two-hand touch. Everyone in our neighborhood has a basketball net so thats probably the easiest game to play. I love to have silly string fights with friends. We buy like 10 cans of silly string and go running around trying to spray each other- it's so much fun, but cleaning up is a pain.

Well, that about clinches it. Basketball and football? Both viable answers, in that they are in fact sports, pursuant to the original line of questioning. But "silly string" and "cleaning up"?

Dylan with the clean sweep.

Posted in a Shallow, Versus fashion.

Other Recent Items of Interest:

Make our "team" part of your "team"
jean-paul tremblayJean-Paul Tremblay written-ed, directed and co-produced a bunch of so-called "comedy" and "video" content, is notoriously competitive, and nonetheless settles for bottom-tier tokenism. Repped by John Herndon at Grape Dope Entertainment. Thrill jockey!
matt haberMatt Haber has written for The New York Times, Esquire, and The New York Observer. He is not allergic to pet dander and can do "ethnic" accents if the part calls for it. He is repped by Candy Addams at Entertainment 4-Every-1. Feeling special?
Guy Cimbalo is so cute! Yes, he is. Who's a cute little Guy? You are, you are! Guy's our very own star of stage and screen and is repped by Jeff Kwatinetz at The Firm. Rowr!
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