September 17, 2003
An Open Letter to English Hooligans

Oi! Lissen 'ere, mates. You lot are doing a bang-up job taking the piss out of that sod David Blaine. Banging drums while he sleeps? Brilliant! Sending a remote controlled helicopter with a hamburger? Ace! Laser pointers? Jolly good!

But you need some help if you want to bodge the old wanker real good. Here are some suggestions:
Extra Low Frequency sound waves (ELF): The right tone can liquify that wally's bowels.
Water balloons full of urine (WBoU). Don't waste another waz, geezers. A well tossed WBoU sends a pukka message to Blaine.
Darts. You geezers got top dart throwers in your country. Use them!
Paint ball guns. These things can be bloody effective if used right.
Fire hoses. 'Nuff said.
Bag of hungry rats. If you lot could get up on the crane to try and cut the water supply, surely you can deliver a little bag of hungry rats, no?
You can bugger up that arse bob's your uncle, if you really try, English Hooligans. We're all expecting great things from you.

Cheers, your friends in America.

PS. Here's your 'ow to: Hoolifan: Thirty Years of Hurt.

Posted in a Shallow fashion.

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