April 1, 2005

One Word For You: Premium

Remember the party scene in The Graduate where Benjamin Braddock is buttonholed by his father's friend who has one word for him, "Just one word"?

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Due to the amazing success of our reader feedback module (you know, the little "Did you find this content useful?" radio buttons that have sprouted up on this site like wild flowers on the side of the highway), we've decided to go premium. Following the successful model of Salon and several other pay-per-view sites, we've implemented a premium area to provide our core readers with the best this site has to offer.

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Just Wild About Geli: The Crazy Days—And Even Crazier Nights—Of the Jet-Set's Newest 'It' Girl

geli.jpgGeli Raubal hates the word 'celebutante.'

"It's not even a real word!" she protests.

When I point out that 'celebutante' is a word—a portmanteau word, in fact, Geli sticks her tongue out playfully and says what she always says when the absurdity of the word flies smack-dab into her flawless, porcelain face: "Pish-posh. What does it mean anyway? That I should get special treatment because I have a famous relative? That I should get into clubs ahead of the line or get free clothes from designers just because of the family I was born into? Pish-posh!"

But like other young ladies in her caste—Paris Hilton, Bijou Phillips, Kimberley Stewart, and the Bush twins come to mind—she does get special treatment and free clothes. She even gets into clubs ahead of the line. All because she's the favorite niece of her famous, well-connected, powerful uncle. And who is her uncle, the man who dotes on her like she's his own? Well, you've certainly heard of him, unless you've been living in a bunker.

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Sloppy Seconds

Fever Pitch, 2005... Other image available to Premium members only

Some ideas are just homeruns!

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Visage Visionaries: South-of-Houston Hipsters, or Houston Astros?
More Hilarity from the New York Times Magazine's "Funny Pages"
Apparently, the Clients Thought "Download More Porn with Intel" Wasn't Catchy Enough
Adventures in the Skin Trade, Vol. 4
low culture: What Happened? (A Long, Interminable History)
by Modesty Blaise
Special to The Bizarro-Times Picayune

The Apple Falls Far, Far From the Tree
The Cover Story
Hey, Jack: My Reality Distortion Field is Bigger Than Yours
As Seen On The New York Times Magazine's "Funny Pages"
Steve Jobs' Reading List
Lesbian Ass vs. the Commuter Class
Ronald McDonald's Happy Steal
Ask Ben Kunkel
Tragedies Come in Threes
Just ask her son, Ryder Truck
Introducing Kanye West, pre-eminent comedian and light, frilly jokemaker
A Brechtian Stageplay about the emergence of Gay Blogs, starring the new proprietors of "Queerty"
It's Probably Time to Change That Whole "Signature Drink" Thing
Apparently Topping the Hot 100 Doesn't Warrant a Spell Check on Your Name
This is what makes "Premium" membership so worth it
Forget It, Jake. It's Sun Valley
Coming Soon: A Very Personal Film From The Director of War of the Worlds
Draft Abdul: Two Steps Forward, Two Steps Back for America
Mamma Mia!
The Perfect Byline
by Quip Meekly

Blue Chips Ahoy
Maybe If She Tried Wearing A Hat...
low culture Presents: No Jacket Required, Vol. 1
low culture Exclusive: Tom Cruise's Actual Proposal to Katie Holmes
A MAG A PLAN A CANAL PAGAMA (Or, A Short History of Palindromic Titles)*
Where's Mr. Segue Man When You Need Him?
The Man's Got Nothing On Him (Boys, On the other hand...)
Collapse That Metaphor
With Apologies to the editors of Details (And Gays. And Fast food eaters. And Anyone who thinks comedy should be funny.)
Life lessons, as overheard by those with friends who have blackberries or SMS-enabled phones
Guide to the Talent
Editorial Director: Steven R. Boots
Editor: Recalcitrant P. Chinstraps
Executive Editor: Alfred Glass
Managing Editor: Bianca Goode
Senior Editors: Waldo Carr (National Affairs); Leann Haywood (News); Courtney Ransom (Entertainment)
Special Projects Editor: Hinged O. Clutched
Associate Editors: Fritz Winter; Randi Hanks
Assistant Editors: Joey C. Huff; Adrian Russell; Cameron Lehman
Contributing Editors: Christy Ashley; Vincent Bray ; Guy Cimbalo; Jamie Coulter; Matt Haber; Abdul Lawal; Wendy Newsome; Jean-Paul Tremblay; Santos Vaugh; Josefa Webber
Editor-at-Large: Lindsey Lusk
Intern: Bruno Keith

Publisher: Abdulqasem Dasilver
Public Relations: Peggy Boucher

  April 1, 2005

Outed: Lewis "Scooter" Libby (Libby? Here, that's shorthand for "conservative")

As Special Prosecutor Patrick J. Fitzgerald puts the finishing touches on his recent efforts to determine a) whether or not a crime was committed two summers prior when the identity of a CIA employee was revealed to the public by a then-unidentified White House source, and b) whether or not Judith Miller and a less well-known reporter for Time magazine will be jailed for their role in masking the source's identity, tongues on Capitol Hill are wagging in gleeful anticipation – but for altogether different reasons than you might have expected.

Why, you ask? Well, White House followers may finally learn the sexuality of the purported informant, Lewis Libby, as other sources in the investigation are revealing that a series of anecdotes indicate that...

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Posted in a April Grave fashion by jp | Comments (0)

"Dead Wrong", yet oh-so-right

As the commission appointed by the President to assess the failures of the Intelligence community in the run-up to the invasion of Iraq two years ago reported its findings yesterday, noticeably absent from the list of those deemed to be worthy of blame were, of course, the hapless President Bush and his chief advisors. However, some scathing indictments nonetheless crept out of the woodwork and into the otherwise impenetrable bubble that has surrounded the White House for far too long.

Included in this hierarchy of suddenly-shamed former executives and intelligence czars were none other than...

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Posted in a April Grave fashion by jp | Comments (0)

Unintentionally Hilarious Photo of the Moment, Vol. 41


(Image available to Premium subscribers only)

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Posted in a April Grave fashion by jp | Comments (0)

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For Shame! Turning your backs on your biggest donors like this...
When even President Bush seems to have stopped taking this war seriously...
Please, God, carry me through this time of great difficulty
In case you ever wondered what's wrong with privatized healthcare
Redactio ad Absurdum
Now Playing: The Ultimate Film About the Downfall of Big Institutions (Fun with Tom DeLay's Mugshot, Vol. 2)
A message much clearer than the aspens, which turn in clusters out West
At this rate, they'll become fully literate just in time to escape the calamitous effects of the polar ice caps' melting due to your equally-disastrous environmental policies
Mr. DeLay!!! Mr. DeLay??!! What are you wearing?
At least he's not requesting a bathroom break
Yes, troops, it looks like that's a target on you guys. And, yes, the president's got you dead in his sights. And, yes, he's ready to wave goodbye. He's been waving this entire time, you see.
Give me grammar, or give me death
Forget her lack of qualifications. Do we really want a Supreme Court Justice that dresses this badly?
After years of rebuffing your advances, George, I'm ready to admit...I love you.
Damage Control Watch: In the Bubble or Off the Wagon?
Unintentionally Hilarious Photo of the Moment, vol. 58
Unintentionally Hilarious Photo of the Moment, vol. 57
Lining Up for Good News: This Week in the Job Market
low culture Exclusive: the Twin Towers Fell Fashionably Early!
September 2005: Black History Month for the White House
George Bush doesn't care about poor people
It's not the heat, it's the stupidity
John Roberts, Fuck Yeah!
Ergo, there is no "Federal" in "F.E.M.A."
I think I may need to better grasp the degree to which the press has turned on me?
We hold these truths to be self-evident, namely, that you're imbeciles
Karl Rove's Photo-Op Coloring Book
Recalcitrant on Rehnquist (A mutilated take on Labor Day's Weekend News)
Given this is an oil company, does this count as "looting", "profiteering", or just cronyism?
OK, you've snapped your fingers, waved a magic wand, and signed a bill into what?
You see, if it's the "Western White House," it means he wasn't really on vacation for five weeks, and you liberals were being a bunch of nattering naysayers for naught
Quelle surprise! Iraqi women to be fucked over!
Maim All Christians!
"Please, cameras, please! No cameras!"
Fox News: We Report Whatever the Bush Administration Wants Us to, and Then You Decide
To get at the store
Paper towels
diet Coke (caffeine-free)
diet Coke (with Lime)
Cheese (American & Swiss)
Soy Milk, but not the Vanilla shit
Microwave Popcorn
New sponge by Scotch/3M
Tomato Sauce
Toilet Bowl Cleaner
Kitty Litter, crystals
Bottled Water
Juice (Orange & Cranberry)

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