end run brought to you by ok soda
  June 26, 2006
  June 12, 2006
Does That Also Go for Zarqawi?

"They are smart, they are creative, they are committed... They have no regard for life, neither ours nor their own. I believe this was not an act of desperation, but an act of asymmetrical warfare waged against us."
- Rear Adm. Harry B. Harris Jr., commander of the detention camp at Guantánamo Bay, Cuba. (Quoted by James Risen and Tim Golden, 3 Prisoners Commit Suicide at Guantánamo, The New York Times, June 11, 2006.)

Yes, But Bizarro Superman is as Queer as a Three-Dollar Bill

Opposite Gay: The rumors persist despite his lady friend and child.

"We were all scratching our heads... He's not a gay character." - Paul Levitz, president and publisher, DC Comics. (Quoted by Reuters, June 9, 2006)

Fine. Superman is not gay. He's just freakin' whipped.

Do They Have a Friends and Family Plan?


  June 8, 2006
Exclusive, Blah, Blah, Blah, &c.


  June 7, 2006
There But for the Grace of God Go I


Posted at 3:40 PM in a Desperate, Oblique, Picayune fashion.
  June 6, 2006
What Day is It?


  June 1, 2006
To Script a Predator

Who doesn't love Dateline NBC's To Catch a Predator series? What's not to love about a show that punks potential internet predators, confronts them with their own pathetic come-ons, and shows them being arrested on camera? Every episode plays like a police procedural mixed with those old commercials where someone's regular coffee has been replaced by Folger's Crystals: but instead of delicious coffee, the mark thinks he's about to enjoy some steamy underage action and finds himself sipping a piping hot cup of justice—Perverted Justice!

Alessandra Stanley of The New York Times called To Catch a Predator "seedy and fascinatingly repellant" and, to date, it's resulted in 98 alleged sexual predators being prosecuted, according to Chris Hansen, the show's Mike Wallace-meets-Allen Funt host.

But there's one thing that doesn't work about the show: The totally lame self-justifications and explanations provided by the perps when confronted (sometimes over a plate of homemade cookies) by Hansen. When these doughy cats get caught with their paws in the henhouse, they invariably try to bullshit their way out of it by saying they were there to "help" the girl, to "talk to her about the dangers of the internet," or just to watch TV and keep her company. (At this point, Hansen asks the guy if that's truly the case, why did he send her a photo of his penis? The man is good.)

So, while we definitely don't advocate meeting underage kids on the internet and arranging dates with them, should you do so and find yourself facing off against Chris Hansen and his Dateline crew, we suggest you use one of the following lines. No one will blame you if your mind goes blank when confronted with the fact that you just drove 4 hours to meet a child you've seduced online and you're now on television for all the world—especially your dear, dear mother—to see, but if you can remember just one, you'll make a big difference to the To Catch a Predator viewing audience at home. We thank you in advance.

- Hey, man, she's not twelve. She said she was born on a leap year.

- I got that Andy Milinokis disease, but in reverse. I look forty, but I'm actually eight.

- Yeah, I said I was into kids—that's a baby goat. You need a dictionary, dude?

- Kids grow up so fast these days. I assumed she'd be of age by the time I got here.

- Ever since the sixties, the rise of feminism, and the emergence of the gay rights movement, morality has become slippery. Liberalism and its emphasis on moral relativism is fraying the delicate fabric of this nation. I heard Bill Bennett saying that just the other day on his radio show.

- Right, but when Ruth Gordon does it, it's the premise for a beloved Hal Ashby film.

- Why would I want to come here and have sex with an anonymous 13-year-old when I have a lovely 46-year-old wife at home who still occasionally goes to the Y for a waterobics and who appreciates how hard I work to provide for her and support our children who honor me and never whine about toys and a puppy making me want to drive the goddamn mini-van into oncoming traffic and kill us all.

- What can I say? She typed on a college level.

- Dateline? Aren't you the ones who faked the side-impact GM pickup explosion footage? By the way, how old's Ann Curry? She got a screenname? Aw, forget I asked...

All My Friends
A One-Act Play


"I've got all my friends: Will [Smith], Kanye [West]..." – Tom Cruise sharing the contents of his iPod with US Weekly, June 12, 2006.

Tom Cruise: Ye dog!

Kanye West: Who dis?

Cruise: It's Cruise Control, baby!

West: T.C.? Shiiiiiit. What up, dawg? I didn't recognize your number on my caller ID.

Cruise: Of course you didn't, K. I have all my calls encrypted and re-directed through seven satellites positioned over each continent. You can never be too safe, man. Especially with a new baby.

West: Word. Word. How is little Suri?

Cruise: Who? Oh, right. She's awesome, Kanye! Awesome! Fatherhood is so amazing, man! The pictures of her are so cute. Hey, did you see Mission broke some records at the box office?

West: Congratulations.

Cruise: Thanks. We're all really proud. J.J. did a great job. So what if it's not Da Vinci numbers. You know what? Every movie can't be War of the Worlds. Who wants it to be, you know?

West: What's that crying, man? Is that Suri?

Cruise: Naw, dog. It's Katherine. She's been a little emotional since the baby.

West: Give her my best, man.

Cruise: Thanks. Thanks, Ye. So, you must be asking yourself, Why's Cruise Control calling me?, right, dog?

West: Mmmm.

Cruise: I wanted to see if you got the literature I sent you.

West: Yeah. Yeah, I got it.

Cruise: And?

West: And I'll read it. I'm in the studio this week, but I'll read it, man.

Cruise: I really think the Technology can take you to the Next Level, Ye. Next level!

West: I hear ya, Tom. But, you know, I'm all about the church, man. My big hit was "Jesus Walks," remember?

Cruise: Remember? I love that song, Ye! I especially like how un-glib it is.

West: T., that crying's getting awfully loud, man. Is Katie alright?

Cruise: Katherine.

West: Is Katherine alright?

Cruise: The thing is, Kanye: The Technology in no way conflicts with Christianity. Nic was a Catholic and she followed Hubbard's teachings. And she got an Oscar for The Hours. See, that's what I'm talking about when I say 'Next Level,' Ye.

West: Yeah. I'll read the stuff you sent, Tom.

Cruise: Atta boy, Ye! And I'm here to explain anything. If you need someone to meet up with you and talk about this stuff wherever you are, there's usually a really smart person in every major city. Or within flying distance. I think of you as a good friend, Ye, and I want you to get to the Next Level, man. I'm talking the Isaac Hayes Level, bro. Black Moses!

West: Thanks, Tom. I appreciate your help. Listen, man. I gotta run. Also, it sounds like Katie's really losing it over there. You might wanna go talk to her.

Cruise: You mean Katherine. And, oh, that's not her. I actually left the house a few minutes ago. I'm on the way to the Center in the Escalade. I'm watching some possible extras for the Mission III DVD. God, J.J. did such a good job, man.

West: A'ight, T.C. Holla at ya' boy.

Cruise: What? Suri's a girl, dog.

West: Yeah. I know. It's just an expression, man. It's like 'Aloha.' You say it when you say goodbye or hello or what's up. Well, listen, I gotta bounce. Later, Tom.

West hangs up.


Cruise dials another number.

Cruise: Big Willie Smith! Holla at ya' boy, dog!

Will Smith: Yo, who dis?

Posted at 10:48 AM in a Desperate, Speculative fashion.
A New Era Begins


Posted at 8:33 AM in a Desperate, Frankly Pretty Lazy fashion.
Make our "team" part of your "team"
jean-paul tremblayJean-Paul Tremblay written-ed, directed and co-produced a bunch of so-called "comedy" and "video" content, is notoriously competitive, and nonetheless settles for bottom-tier tokenism. Repped by John Herndon at Grape Dope Entertainment. Thrill jockey!
matt haberMatt Haber has written for The New York Times, Esquire, and The New York Observer. He is not allergic to pet dander and can do "ethnic" accents if the part calls for it. He is repped by Candy Addams at Entertainment 4-Every-1. Feeling special?
Guy Cimbalo is so cute! Yes, he is. Who's a cute little Guy? You are, you are! Guy's our very own star of stage and screen and is repped by Jeff Kwatinetz at The Firm. Rowr!
What "They" Say About "Us"

"Humor so black you're afraid to laugh." - Playboy

"Low Culture gets more mileage out of headlines and photo captions than most blogs get out of endless pages of text." - The Week

"No irony slips past Low Culture." - Daniel Radosh

"what's happened to this site? it used to be one of my favorites. now there are never new posts and when there are it's bloodied and dismembered dead bodies... grave, indeed." - Some Guy Named Tim

"I don't get it." - Some Person Calling Him-/Herself "Cubeoid"

Text Ads, our nod to the Plebes
or, "Fun with Adblockers"

Recent Artifacts

The Archive Office (Front Desk)

Additional Information
Looking for an RSS Feed, or want to syndicate this site? Click here for that purpose.

Some of our older readers may be asking, "Whatever happened to that 'famous' two-column, Shallow and Grave-formatted version of Low Culture?" Rest assured, we've archived that motherfucker here.

This here site, though, was built and crafted by none other than Low Culture Design & Media Mega-Powerhouse HQ.