June 11, 2004
Hit over the head(line)

chroniclesofriddickposter.jpgWe couldn't get 'rid' of the nagging suspicion that there was a film opening this weekend that we were 'racing' to see, until it hit us at perfect 'pitch': The Chronicles of Riddick is in theaters today! Since it's almost the weekend, headline writers from the AP to USA Today have, apparently, taken the day off, leaving us scratching our, well, 'heads'.

As such, here's a quickie instamatic guide to the headlines of the film's various reviews.

1. Use puns which reference the lead actor's surname, which just happens to be a specific form of fuel. Bear in mind that many engines run on fuel, and incorporate this secondary idea as well:

Diesel fuels sci-fi action
Diesel fuels futuristic farce
Diesel-fueled 'Riddick' chokes on its exhausting action
'Chronicles' benefits from Diesel power
Vin Diesel, driving on a tankful of cool
In the driver's seat

2. Engage in wordplay with the lead character's name:

Riddick Riddled With Silliness
"Riddick" riddled with sci-fi mumbo jumbo

3. Pare your entire review down to one declarative sentence for your headline:

'Riddick' delivers sci-fi fun
‘Chronicles' will leave you muddled and in the dark
'Riddick' is a computerized mess
The script is terrible but the set looks neat
This sci-fi sequel fades from 'Black'

4. Go the laziest route possible:

Review: 'Riddick' big, boomy, bad

5. Or, finally, write for the New York Times and dazzle us with your mystically opaque headline, existing somewhere between Judith Butler and Carl Sagan:

Signs of Testosterone Are All Over the Universe

Posted in a Shallow fashion.

Other Recent Items of Interest:

Make our "team" part of your "team"
jean-paul tremblayJean-Paul Tremblay written-ed, directed and co-produced a bunch of so-called "comedy" and "video" content, is notoriously competitive, and nonetheless settles for bottom-tier tokenism. Repped by John Herndon at Grape Dope Entertainment. Thrill jockey!
matt haberMatt Haber has written for The New York Times, Esquire, and The New York Observer. He is not allergic to pet dander and can do "ethnic" accents if the part calls for it. He is repped by Candy Addams at Entertainment 4-Every-1. Feeling special?
Guy Cimbalo is so cute! Yes, he is. Who's a cute little Guy? You are, you are! Guy's our very own star of stage and screen and is repped by Jeff Kwatinetz at The Firm. Rowr!
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