March 14, 2006
or, Meet the New Guys

As a virtuecrat-turned-Bobo-turned-security dad-turned-values voter, I was excited to read about Rod Dreher's minimalist-titled new book, Crunchy-Cons: How Birkenstocked Burkeans, gun-loving organic gardeners, evangelical free-range farmers, hip homeschooling mamas, right-wing nature lovers, and their diverse tribe of countercultural conservatives plan to save America (or at least the Republican Party)... When the Pawn Hits the Conflicts He Thinks Like a King What He Knows Throws the Blows When He Goes to the Fight And He'll Win the Whole Thing 'Fore He Enters the Ring There's No Body To Batter When Your Mind is Your Might So When You Go Solo, You Hold Your Own Hand And Remember That Depth is the Greatest of Heights And If You Know Where You Stand, Then You Know Where to Land And If You Fall It Won't Matter, Cuz You'll Know That You're Right... For Colored Girls Who Have Considered Suicide When the Rainbow Is Enuf in this week's New York Times Book Review.

Kirkpatrick helpfully explains the newest creatures to join the great chain of being along with those already well documented Food Court Druids, Cherehonkees, and Lieberals (not to mention those famous Patio- and Organization men) as a follows:

Crunchy cons disapprove of abortion rights, same-sex marriage, illegal immigrants, public schools, secular liberals and mothers who work outside the home. But they don't like Wal-Mart, McMansions, suburbs, pollution, agribusiness or processed foods, either.
Still confused? Here's a breakdown that will help you to figure out which you are: "crunchy" or "con." Or both!

Crunchy Con
Trout Fishing in AmericaQuail hunting at the Armstrong Ranch
Carolyn "Mountain Girl" AdamsMidge "Rummy's a Babe Magnet" Decter
Woodstock Nostalgia: "If you remember it, you weren't there, man."Kent State Nostalgia: "If you remember it, we weren't shooting straight, hippie."
"The Diggers""The Plumbers"
"If It's Yellow, Let It Mellow; If It's Brown, Flush It Down""These Colors Don't Run, So Let's Roll!"
Knowing the perfect place to get a deal on Tom's of Maine soap for your wifeKnowing the perfect place to hide your Tom of Finland stuff from your wife

Posted in a Desperate fashion.

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