April 6, 2004
Hard Boiled Eggers

eggersmic.jpgAs part of low culture's continuing commitment to you, the reader, we hoped that a summary of Dave Eggers' newest novel might come in handy. Taking our cue from The Guardian's Digested Reads and inspired by our dedication to you, the reader, we intended to provide brief summaries of the untitled novel as it is serialized in Salon. We at low culture, however, never quite anticipated how boring that task would prove.

Enter Microsoft Word's “AutoSummarize' feature. After plugging Episodes 1 through 18 into a Word doc, we simply let our PowerBook do the reading for us. What follows is the 275 word AutoSummary - it's not entirely coherent, but perhaps it will be of service to someone, somewhere.

"Bastards!" said Sergei.

Sergei said, as it took shape. Poor Little Nicky. Nicky whistled.

Sergei and Nicky had no blimp. "Fucking internet," Sergei muttered. Sergei turned to Nicky. "See if there's another blimp."

Sergei sighed. Man, she was a hard woman. Stuart had started to speak. Stuart couldn't find a word. "Have you seen Sergei?" Stuart asked.

Stuart demurred.

Neither Jeannie knew exactly where Sergei was.

Each time Stuart caught someone's eye, he would extend his hand and smile. "Look who's here," Sergei said.

Little Nicky smiled like it hurt. Truth be told, Nicky didn't much like Stuart.

Stuart stopped looking impressed.

"That blimp is our enemy," Sergei said.

Stuart nodded. If Sergei used one exclamation point, he used three. Nicky said. "For state representative."

Sergei wondered. Stuart was running low on Wet Wipes.

Sergei feigned disinterest.

"Right, right," Sergei said, "he plays cards." Sergei grimaced. Sergei pleaded. Sergei asked.

Sergei asked.

Nicky whispered to Sergei. Nicky asked.

"I'm not calling Olongapo a boob," Stuart said.

Stuart stepped back. "Yikes," said Nicky.

Sergei thought Stuart's ease with people was amazing and wondered whence it came. Had Stuart run for office before, ever, even in high school? Stuart asked.

Rebecca Romaine was 45. Never. "Church," Rebecca said.

"Rebecca, you have to run."


Senate. Rebecca tried not to sputter. Rebecca said. Rebecca glanced down at his name tag: George Papadolopsolous.

Giacomo asked.

Rebecca considered the question rhetorical, but the young man was waiting for an answer.

Rebecca asked.

"I'm sorry," Rebecca said. Rebecca said.

"I'm intrigued," said a voice behind Rebecca. "I'm Giacomo. I'm running this campaign."

"Oh?" Rebecca smiled and then felt sick.

Rebecca checked her watch: 8:06. Rebecca thought. Giacomo sighed. "Rebecca, no! "Rebecca," said Giacomo.

Posted in a Shallow fashion.

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