We rewrite, you decide, Vol. 2

Regarding that whole "Mission Accomplished" fiasco of May 1, 2003, from "Bush speech anniversary draws scrutiny, commentary", CNN.com, April 30, 2004:

Bush defended the speech as he talked to reporters Friday during a Rose Garden appearance with Canadian Prime Minister Paul Martin.

"A year ago, I did give the speech from the carrier saying that we had achieved an important objective, that we had accomplished a mission, which was the removal of Saddam Hussein," Bush said.

"And as a result, there are no longer torture chambers or rape rooms or mass graves in Iraq. As a result, a friend of terror has been removed and now sits in a jail.

Regarding the broadcast of photos of American soldiers and contractors torturing Iraqi prisoners, from "Bush expresses 'deep disgust' at prison photos", CNN.com, April 30, 2004:

In the face of international outrage, President Bush said Friday that he was disgusted by photographs that apparently show American soldiers abusing detainees at a prison outside Baghdad.

"I share a deep disgust that those prisoners were treated the way they were treated," Bush said. "Their treatment does not reflect the nature of the American people. That's not the way we do things in America."

[...]

"I didn't like it one bit," Bush added during an appearance in the White House Rose Garden with visiting Canadian Prime Minister Paul Martin.

Not to belabor the completely blunt irony or anything, but both of the abovementioned remarks were made at the exact same appearance by the President this morning.

Fine, this just means 40 extra minutes of Jimmy Kimmel

In "Stations to Boycott 'Nightline's' List of the Fallen", the Washington Post is reporting that seven local ABC affiliates owned by the Sinclair Broadcast Group have chosen not to air tonight's episode of Ted Koppel's nightly newsmagazine, which will be comprised solely of the anchor reading the names and displaying the photos of the 737 American troops who have perished thus far in Iraq.

In a statement on their website, the Sinclair Broadcast Group explains the "boycott" decision thusly:

Despite the denials by a spokeswoman for the show, the action appears to be motivated by a political agenda designed to undermine the efforts of the United States in Iraq.

There is no organization that holds the members of our military and those soldiers who have sacrificed their lives in service of our country in higher regard than Sinclair Broadcast Group.

Likewise, there is no organization that holds the members of the free press and those journalists who have embedded themselves (and befriended subsequently-fallen troops in Iraq) in higher regard than we do here at low culture, so, in fitting tribute, we are hereby displaying the names and station ID's of those affiliates that have "fallen" in the war on fair and accurate reporting.

WSYX, Columbus, Ohio

WEAR, Pensacola, Florida

WLOS, Asheville, North Carolina

WXLV, Winston-Salem, North Carolina

WGGB, Springfield, Massachusetts

KDNL, St. Louis, Missouri

WCHS, Charleston, West Virginia

It's Legally Blonde Meets the Bell Jar!

That Courtney Love of the lit world, Elizabeth Wurtzel tells Fox 411’s Roger Friedman that she plans to attend Yale Law School come September. In a low culture exclusive, we have obtained Wurtzel’s successful application essay. Enjoy.

Question #10: Please add to this application whatever additional material you believe will enable admissions readers to make a fully informed judgment on your application…The admissions file readers especially welcome statements that enable them to understand the contribution your personal background would make to the student body at Yale Law School.

Extremely Personal Essay
by Elizabeth Wurtzel

The joke's on me, but it's gonna be okay
If I can just get through this lonesome day
It's alright, it's alright, it's alright
It's alright, it's alright, it's alright
"Lonesome Day" – Bruce Springsteen

It’s been hard, I won’t deny it. And no, it’s not alright.

I must have been eleven, maybe twelve, possibly thirteen, when it struck me: I had never been molested, never raped, barely even made the object of a lascivious gaze. Indeed, I had been victimized by my own lack of victimization. Where was my victimhood? It was then that it struck me, at age eleven, maybe twelve – I would have to victimize myself.

It hasn’t been easy, I won’t deny it. I have suffered Job-like indignities in my relentless self-persecution.

I have survived dark nights of the soul when I forced myself to do drugs so that I might wake up the next morning suffering from the depression that excessive cocaine use often induces. Do you know what it’s like when you have to do an eight-ball of prime Colombian just to feel shitty? Really great at first, but then, not very good at all.

There were my desperate prayers for cancer. You cannot understand the compulsive, hopeful search for a lump until you’ve been there – standing in the shower, madly palpating each of your breasts as you murmur the word "melanoma." I have been there.

It got to the point where I began spinning in circles for hours a day, if only to mimic the dizzy spells of a tertiary syphilitic.

I have been portrayed by Christina Ricci in a feature film that will never see the light of day. I mean, Christina Ricci? What about Scarlett Johansson or Kirsten Dunst or even Charlize Theron? No, Liz, we’re going to have you played by a fat, whiny actress who can’t even open a film. You can imagine what that’s done to my self-esteem.

But through the suicide attempts, accusations of plagiarism, and flagging book sales, I have relied on one certainty – my love of the law. Through all my whining, mewling, and caterwauls of privileged desperation, there has been only one constant – my desire to attend Yale University Law School.

Ultimately, I am a woman, a bitch, a lover, a sinner and a saint. Thank you India, thank you terror, thank you, thank you silence. Pity me, poke me, admit me to Yale – just don’t bother with goodbyes come morning. I can get through this lonesome day after all.

(N.B. I don’t recommend assigning me any roommates.)

[Matt, big ups for the heads up]

We rewrite, you decide

From "Bush Says He Answered All Questions From 9/11 Panel", the New York Times, April 29, 2004:

"Mr. Bush chuckled at the suggestion that he and Mr. Cheney had chosen to be interviewed together so they could prop each other up or prevent discrepancies in their answers. "If we had something to hide, we wouldn't have met with them in the first place," he said."

From Tim Russert's interview with Condoleezza Rice, NBC's "Meet the Press", March 14, 2004:

MR. RUSSERT: Will you testify under oath in public about September 11?

DR. RICE: Tim, this is not a matter of preference; this is a matter of principle. It has long been a legal and constitutional principle that assistants to the president, the presidential staff, do not testify before legislative bodies. But this is not a matter of preference. I have spent more than four hours with the commission going through the details about 9/11. I'm prepared to spend more time with the commission in discussion about whatever they'd like to know about September 11, but as a matter of principle, we cannot breach this wall between the legislature and the executive.

MR. RUSSERT: On September 11, there is a commission now in place which the administration originally resisted and also resisted extending the deadline. They now want to interview the president. He has said he'll only sit down with the chairman and co-chairman of the committee for one hour. Will the president meet with the full commission and will he do it for longer than an hour?

DR. RICE: The president, of course, is the president, and he does have a schedule to keep, but he has said that he will sit with the chairman and with the co-chairman and that he will answer whatever questions they have. And I'm quite certain he will take as long as they need to answer those questions.

MR. RUSSERT: Several hours, a day if they need?

DR. RICE: Well, I would hope that they would recognize that he's president and that people would be judicious in the use of his time.

MR. RUSSERT: John Kerry said, “The president has time to go to a rodeo but not spend time with the commission.”

DR. RICE: As I've said, Tim, I believe the president is prepared to spend whatever time they need to answer their questions, but I hope that people will be judicious with his time.

Today's Journalism Lesson from the New York Post

Turning a press release into an article or caption is easy and fun. First, take a press release, say, for example, Gretchen Mol to Play the Title Role in Killer Films' THE BALLAD OF BETTIE PAGE; Financed by HBO, Film is Directed by Mary Harron, and Written by Harron and Guinivere Turner (from March 31, 2004).

Now, using your mouse, select the portion of the text you want to use and select 'Cut' from your 'File' menu. (There is a shortcut for this, but we only recommend that seasoned writers attempt to use that.)

Using the example press release, select the following text:

The most successful pin-up model of the 1950s, Page's legendary bondage photographs made her the target of a Senate investigation into pornography, and turned her into one of the first American sex icons.

You may also want to scroll down in the press release and copy this portion:

The cast also includes Lili Taylor ("Casa de los babys"), David Strathairn ("Twisted"), Jonathan M. Woodward ("Pipe Dream"), Cara Seymour ("Gangs of New York"), Tara Subkoff ("The Cell") and Kevin Carroll ("The Secret Lives of Dentists").

Open a text-editing document and select 'Paste' from the 'File' menu. Now comes the hard part: editing. You'll want to add the name "Bettie Page" in that first sentence. You'll also want to shorten the second paragraph a bit. Also, you might want to write your own topical hook in the beginning, since this press release is a bit old.

Congratulations, you have an article or caption. To see the fruits of your labor, check out GORGEOUS GRETCHEN A CONEY EYEFUL in today's New York Post:

Actress Gretchen Mol dazzles yesterday as she struts her stuff while on location shooting "The Ballad of Bettie Page" in Coney Island.

In the film, the 31-year-old stunner plays the 1950s pinup girl whose legendary bondage photos made her the target of a Senate investigation into pornography.

Dubbed the "Girl with the Perfect Figure," Page was one of America's first sex sirens.

She graced the pages of hundreds of magazines, including Playboy.

The flick also stars Lili Taylor and David Strathairn.

Earlier: How to Write An Obituary Without Breaking a Sweat

How to revive flagging interest? Redesign!

By way of Josh Marshall's Talking Points Memo, today's Washington Post features a story about the dishearteningly negative reception the "new and improved" national flag has been given by Iraqi citizens, who question why it was changed in the first place, and even if that were necessary, why the new design lost the traditional Arab-affiliated colors of red, green, and black.

Oh, and this last point apparently didn't help things much, either: Iraq's new flag is in many ways a dead ringer for Israel's flag.

According to the U.S.-appointed Governing Council, the new flag is the work of an Iraqi artist named Rifaat Chaderchi, and was selected from a pool of a whopping 30 entries.

Most aesthetes agree: worst product redesign since the old Brawny Man was reinvented as the new, de-gayed Brawny Man (who, incidentally, now looks suspiciously like an Israelite).

Dying Young

Alright, this posting is a few days late (in the blog world an eternity), but Toby Young’s Slate diary was too infuriating to go ignored. For those of you unaware, Slate’s diary is kind of like MTV’s Diary for old people who are nowhere near as famous, and Toby Young is a bald media gadfly who has made a name for himself by being obnoxious. Based on Young’s entries, however, he’s taking his trademarks – contrived spite and pseudo-impudence – up a notch.

There’s Monday’s diary in which Young very nearly asks Matt Damon and Ben Affleck to sue him. That’s because Young’s novel-in-progress, Starmageddon, actually uses the duo as characters! And from the sound of Young’s new novel, it’s pretty clear he’s designed the plot to hit as many media flashpoints as possible – the Holocaust, celebrity culture, post-Apocalyptic America, and right-wing demagoguery. Young is practically daring you to ignore this book.

And then Tuesday’s diary, in which Young offers this remarkable insight into L.A. (he’s been there a little over a week):

In the same way that other cities have been ravaged by certain drugs, L.A. is in the grip of a fame epidemic. Like cocaine, it used to be the drug of choice for a privileged few, but now it's gone mainstream, often in a very adulterated form. The kind of notoriety that comes from appearing on a reality show, for instance, is the equivalent of crack.

Among other revelations Young dishes up: celebrities get big trailers; these celebrities also receive other big perks; Young used to live with Euan Rellie, aka Mr. Lucy Sykes (he also used to live with Sophie Dahl – presumably he didn’t find these apartments on Craig’s List).

Onto Wednesday’s diary entry and more juicy L.A. dirt! Apparently, people in Los Angeles like to drive S.U.V.’s. And somehow Young gets even more repellant – he and his wife honeymooned in Los Angeles.

Thursday’s entry – comparing L.A. restaurants with London restaurants – actually isn’t so bad, so let’s just ignore this one entirely.

I’m not sure what happens in Friday’s installment. I got through the first paragraph before the bile – the product of disgust and, yes, low-level envy – started to choke me.

Years ago, I met Mr. Young several times at MaryLou’s – insofar as you met anyone at MaryLou’s – and he seemed pleasant, if a bit self-promoting. Who would have thought the guy would get sober (relatively) and then turn into an asshole?

The old standby

In response to a foolishly hypocritical (and, of course, highly manipulative, and, therefore, effective) media campaign of Republican party attacks on presumptive Democratic presidential nominee John Kerry's record as a Vietnam War veteran, including Bush communications mastermind-cum-housewife-cum-communications mastermind Karen Hughes' nonsensical "did he or didn't he" questioning of Kerry's disposal of military "ribbons" or "medals" after returning home in 1971, the war veteran came out with his swift boat's fifty-caliber machine guns metaphorically blazing.

His weapon of choice? The declaration that "I'm not going to stand for it," which, unfortunately, Senator Kerry seems to stand for all too often when it comes to defending his Vietnam war record.

April, 2004:

"This is a controversy that the Republicans are pushing," Mr. Kerry said on "Good Morning America" on ABC. "The Republicans have spent $60 million in the last few weeks trying to attack me, and this comes from a president and a Republican Party that can't even answer whether or not he showed up for duty in the National Guard. I'm not going to stand for it."

February, 2004:

"If they're going to try to question my commitment to the defense of our country, then I'm going to fight back," Kerry said at a February campaign event. "Because they did that to Max Cleland ... and I'm not going to stand for it."

February, 2004:

"Defense of nation is exactly that. Yes, that's exactly what they did. They put Osama bin Laden's photograph up with Max Cleland Cleland and suggested he was weak--Max Cleland, weak--on the defense of our nation. Now here's a man who left three of his limbs on the battlefield in Vietnam. To have someone who, you know, has never served suggest that someone who has is weak on defense is simply unacceptable, and I'm not going to stand for it."

And in the interest of the "equal time rule," Bush, too, has been known to wield this same principled "stand" on occasion, including in his remarks on the creation of the Department of Homeland Security at the National Republican Senatorial Committee Annual Dinner.

September, 2002:

"Unfortunately, some senators -- not all senators, but some senators -- believe it is best to try to micromanage the process, believe the best way to secure the homeland is to have a thick book of regulations which will hamstring this administration and future administrations from dealing with an enemy that could care less about thick books of regulations. Unfortunately, some in the Senate -- not all in the Senate -- want to take away the power that all Presidents have had since Jimmy Carter. And I'm not going to stand for it."

Come on, guys, mix it up a bit.

"I will not tolerate that." Or, "I gaze upon these mistruths, and I see that which battles honesty, and I do declare myself to be decidedly antagonistic towards this selfsame deception, such that I verily seek to destroy, nay, annihilate said behavior." Or maybe just "I am so against this shit."

The Right Address, Parents, Education, et al.

From the Times' Sunday Styles:

And this week will bring the publication of "The Right Address," by Carrie Karasyov and Jill Kargman. Their novel skewers a certain kind of woman found on the Upper East Side whose only ambition is to preside over benefit dinners (even if she goes to so many she cannot remember from night to night if she is at the Irritable Bowel Syndrome Ball or the Food Allergy Ball), and to have her tiny, shiny-face photograph appear in the party pages of any magazine.

# of photos of Carrie Karasyov, nee Doyle, featured in New York Social Diary: 14

# of photos of Jill Kargman, nee Kopelman, featured in New York Social Diary: 18

# of photos of Jill Kargman, nee Kopelman, featured in Wire Image: 4

While we could mutter at some length about how satire is traditionally used to skewer those more powerful than you, we will refrain from commenting on making fun of those who dare to aspire toward one's own lofty perch.

[Oddly, Jill Kargman’s apartment was also featured in Sunday’s Real Estate section.]

Tru(deau) Life: I Want a Famous Face

Although some voices have deemed this week’s Doonesbury too violent for the comics page, others have praised its realistic (though cartoonish) depiction of wartime Iraq. But where discord is sown, low culture offers peace. What follows is a revised Doonesbury for the week of April 19-23, 2004, designed to appeal to more popular tastes and delicate, war-resistant sensibilities.

It’s sure to please everyone, and unlike the war itself, offend no one.

MONDAY's revised strip (click thumbnails to enlarge):

TUESDAY's revised strip:

WEDNESDAY's revised strip:

THURSDAY's revised strip:

FRIDAY's revised strip:

Separated at Pitching Meeting

James Brown: Funny, times two.

Ah, Spring, when a young humor writer's thoughts turn towards... James Brown? Don't ask us why, but for whatever reason, The Godfather of Soul, the Hardest Working Man in Showbiz inspires some of April's best humor writing.

Take for example, this item from this week's Onion, Why Can't This Family Ever Have A Funky Good Time by one "Tomi Rae Brown":

Maceo! I said Maceo! Uh, Maceo! Don't just keep saying "what," boy. Go get that pecan pie out the kitchen. Take it into the living room. We gonna have a funky good time, and I don't want you starting off before everyone. Bring the pie here. Right here. Everybody grab a piece—don't be greedy now. We family, after all. There's enough of this pie to go around. That's right, y'all. Enough pie for all! Pecan pie! Mother-made pie! Good pie! Damn good!

Funny shit, right?

We were laughing so hard, we almost forgot about Papa's Got a Brand New Play that ran in Spy Magazine back in April 1995. That was funny, too:

Steve: Oh Baby, Don't You Weep. I Can't Help It (I Just Do-Do-Do). (1964, 1965)

Caldonia: There Must Be a Reason -- What Kind of Man ... Keep On Doin' What You're Doin'? (1959, 1968, 1971)

Steve: Got No Excuse. I'm a Greedy Man. And I Do Just What I Want. [looks off wistfully into the distance] Sometimes That's All There Is. (1965, 1971, 1960, 1980)

Caldonia: I'll Never Let You Break My Heart Again. [she gets up, goes inside the house, and comes back out, carrying a suitcase.] I Won't Be Back. (1972, 1964)

Steve: Baby Baby Baby. Hold It. [jumps to his feet and takes her arm.] You Don't Have to Go. Stay with Me. I've Got to Change. I'll Work It Out. Stop and Think It Over. (1964, 1961, 1962, 1981, 1963, 1968, 1965)

Caldonia: Tell Me What You're Gonna Do. (1964)

Steve: I Need Your Love So Bad. [caresses her cheek.] I'll Be Sweeter Tomorrow. (1975, 1969)

Yes, the Godfather giveth. And giveth. But only in April, apparently.

Page Six's union sympathies: International Brotherhood of Typo Writers

From the New York Post, Page Six, April 22, 2004:

The union has set a May 2 deadline for reaching a new contract. "I came out of the meeting thinking there could be a strike," said one writer.

The A-list participants at the closed-door powwow were David Kepp, who just got $3.5 million for penning "Zathura," the sequel to "Jumanji"; Richard LaGravenese, whose credits include "The Fisher King" and "Bridges of Madison County"; Tom Gilroy, "The Bourne Identity"; Stephen Schiff, "Lolita"; Brian Kopelman and David Levien, the partners behind "Rounders" and "Runaway Jury"; Robert Benton, "Kramer vs. Kramer"; Nora ("Sleepless in Seattle") Ephron and her husband Nick ("Goodfellas") Pileggi; and James Shamus, the head of the Writers Guild East who wrote "Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon" and "The Hulk."

Four typos in one sentence! Nice work, guys. In a non-union shop, the Post would have substituted "David Koepp" for their "David Kepp," "Tony Gilroy" for their "Tom Gilroy," "Brian Koppelman" for their "Brian Kopelman," and "James Schamus" for their "James Shamus."

Sloganeering

Pottery Barn claimed yesterday that its stores in fact do not use the “You break it, you buy it” policy. While this should prove adequate to blow the lid off that lying buffoon Bob Woodward, what will become of Colin Powell’s catchy slogan for geopolitical strife? low culture provides some alternatives:

Ikea Rule: Some assembly is required
Olive Garden Rule: When you’re here, you’re family
Starbucks Rule: Contents may be extremely hot
Dominos Rule: Delivered in thirty minutes or it’s free
Outback Steakhouse Rule: No rules, just right
Burger King Rule: Your way, right away
Pringles Rule: Once you pop, you can't stop
Visa Rule: And they don't take American Express
Ja Rule Rule: Holla Holla
Crunch Rule: No handjobs in the steam room

low culture's Only American Idol Post Ever

For American Idol contestants, the competition has officially turned cruel – and we’re not talking about Simon’s poorly scripted barbs. No, the indignities these kids suffer is the result of Idol’s “Theme Weeks,” in which songs are culled from one songwriter’s oeuvre.

Could it get more sadistic than forcing Idol finalists to sing music from Neil Sedaka and Barry Manilow? Aside from the obvious fact that the music’s as bland as gets, six of the seven remaining Idol finalists are nowhere near white. And no one is going to mistake Week 12 songstress Elton John for a black man anytime soon.

Making George Huff sing country music, as Idol did on Week 10, doesn’t help anyone. Sure, there might be some entertainment to be gleaned from watching a Southern black man singing about redneck America, but American Idol sure as hell isn’t the venue.

low culture Gossip Alert

In vaguely substantiated news, low culture has learned that Julian Casablancas, dreamy lead Stroke is engaged to be married. To a civilian, no less. Developing?

Karl Rove for the Day, Vol. 4

From the Associated Press, "Bush Touts Patriot Act, Raises GOP Funds", April 20, 2004:

President Bush speaks in support of the Patriot Act at Kleinhans Music Hall in Buffalo, N.Y., Tuesday, April 20, 2004. Listening to President Bush, from left to right, John Moslow, Chief of Police, Amherst, N.Y., Michael Battle, U.S. Attorney, Western, N.Y., Larry Thompson, former Deputy Attorney General, James McMahon, Director of Public Security, N.Y., Peter Ahearn, Special Agent in Charge, FBI, Buffalo, N.Y.

Girly-Boys Gone Wild

It is clear -- the time has come for the MetroSexual Anti-Defamation League. As this casting call should reveal, those simpering, moisturizing girly-boys are about to be subjected to the sadistic imaginations of reality show producers. Have we learned nothing from Playing It Straight?

We're looking for guys, 21-35, to star in an upcoming reality series for a major cable network. He just needs to be for adventure -- and extremely UN-manly.

WHAT KINDS OF GUYS ARE WE LOOKING FOR?

We want to hear about any guy you'd consider extremely UN-manly -- the guy who needs to get in touch with his more primal side (and has a sense of humor). It could be a mamma's boy, metrosexual, or minivan-driving carpool dad. Think George Costanza, Frasier Crane or Raymond without the whole everyone loving him part. Any version of modern emasculated man will be more than welcome. Be creative and have fun with it! To spark your imagination, here are a few examples:

Ladies, it could be your
...husband who's painted NASCAR stripes on the minivan.
...new-age vegan ex who's been so busy trying to save the world, he's never experienced it.
...metrosexual boyfriend who thinks he's prettier than you.

Guys, it could be
...the one guy that you and your buddies all think needs to grow a set.
...your old friend who's serving time as a middle manager in a suburban office park.
...your trust fund college roommate who's never had to work a day in his life.
...the guy in the office who's over 30, still lives at home and has his clothes laid out for him. He may or may not be a virgin.

Interested applicants or angry wimps can find more information here. We're assuming the show will air on FX.

Escalation of the Unwilling

What a week, eh? It's not yet "Humpday," but in the past 48 hours, the Bush administration has had to endure three distinct diplomatic blows at the hands of international allies. The term "allies", of course, refers to nations that at one point agreed with the U.S. administration's ideology on issues of global relations – that is, until they realized they'd been manipulated, lied to, and disingenuously dealt with.

SPAIN: "Spain's new leader firm on Iraq"

Spain's new leader is standing firm in his pledge to pull Spanish troops out of Iraq, despite U.S. and British pressure...Last week, Zapatero rejected an appeal from U.S. President George W. Bush to stand by the U.S.-led coalition in Iraq.

HONDURAS: "Honduras to pull troops out of Iraq"

The US-led coalition in Iraq suffered its second defection in 24 hours yesterday when Honduran President Ricardo Maduro said he would withdraw his nation's 368 troops "as soon as possible".

JORDAN: "Jordan's King Delays Bush Meeting, Cites Mideast Stance"

Jordan's King Abdullah postponed a meeting with President Bush scheduled for tomorrow, citing concerns about Washington's position on the Middle East peace process, officials said yesterday.

Wait! Don't forget this extra-special bonus round of glum spirits and/or outright defections:

THAILAND: "Honduras to pull out troops, and Thais look shaky"

The Thai Prime Minister, Thaksin Shinawatra, said of his troops: "If we get hurt or killed, I will not keep them there." The Thai Senate began a debate yesterday on a resolution calling for the troops to come home.

THE PHILIPPINES and SOUTH AMERICA: (also from "Honduras to pull troops out of Iraq", referenced above)

Philippines President Gloria Arroyo said she was "unlikely" to withdraw 100 soldiers and police officers stationed in Iraq. Mrs Arroyo, who faces a tight election on May 10, has been slammed by opposition politicians for the Iraq commitment.

"She loves President Bush more than her countrymen," Senate candidate Juan Ponce Enrile said.

[...]

The Honduran troops are attached to the Spanish regiment in Iraq, along with 374 Salvadoran and 302 Dominican troops who are due to go home in July. Nicaragua's 115 troops left Iraq in February and were not replaced.

These weak-willed foreign leaders, so clearly cowering in their boots, having been influenced by the Madrid terror attacks...Oh, wait, that was just Spain, and their voting population was already 90 percent against their nation's policy in Iraq before last month's presidential election, and that was before former President (and Bush ally) Jose Maria Aznar's administration lied to the public about Basque separatist responsibility for the terror attacks.

The American public, meanwhile, can rest assured that we must be getting the "correct" news, as opposed to all this discouraging foreign nonsense about dishonesty and deception, since a CNN/USA Today poll released Monday shows President Bush leading presumptive Democratic Presidential candidate John Kerry by 51 percent to 46 percent in a survey of likely voters taken this past weekend.

Whack Attack

Ever since Sylvia Plath tortured Esther in The Bell Jar, female magazine editors (FMEs) have been a favorite staple of television and film alike. Perhaps inspired by Tina Brown’s previous incarnation as a success, screenwriters have turned to the FME with increasing frequency in recent years. And with Friday’s release of 13 Going On 30, featuring yet another FME, only one question remains – what have they named the fake magazine where Jennifer Garner is fake employed? If history is any indication, we can be certain of one thing – it will have an awful title. Confer:

How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days – Composure Magazine
High Art – Frame Magazine
Office Killer – Constant Consumer
Six Days, Seven Nights – Dazzle Magazine
Just Shoot Me – Blush Magazine
Central Park West – Communique

Unfortunately, the best fake magazine title ever committed to celluloid doesn’t make the FME cut. That honor goes to the Three Stooges short-lived gig as photographers for Whack Magazine. “Whack’s” slogan? “If it’s a good picture, it’s out of Whack.”

Profiles in Coverage (Uppage)

Tina Brown's worst dinner party ever

"Would you please pass the apocalypse?"

Artwork taken from the April 19, 2004 issue of the TIME 100 ("our list of the 100 most influential people in the world today").

And sitting next to Hillary Clinton in the foreground...what the hell did Jeff Jarvis do to get invited?

Tomorrow's Corrections Today, vol. 3

Slated to appear on the New York Times' Corrections page, April 20, 2004:

Because of an editing error, an article by Julie Flaherty in yesterday's Business section, "Many Started Web Logs for Fun, But Bloggers Need Money, Too," accidentally misstated the number of internet users who read Web logs, or blogs. The article claimed that blogs "are frequented by only about 10 percent of people who use the Internet." The corrected sentence should have said, "are frequented by only about 10 people who use the internet." The Times regrets the error.

Dorff on Britney

If you were dating Dorff, you'd kill yourself too.

[Click on Dorff for the full video.]

I'm Lovin' Shit

In a major press conference yesterday, McDonald’s, alongside Health and Human Services Secretary Tommy Thompson, unveiled a new line of "Go Active" meals – the fast-food giant’s response to having created a nation of fatties. Not only will these adult "Happy Meals" contain bottled water, McDonald’s will also include a brochure encouraging adults to walk more. With this bold move McDonald’s has made it clear – the obesity epidemic ends here. Or as Secretary Tom Tom put it, "It's important to recognize companies doing the right thing."

If McDonald’s adult campaign is anywhere near as exhaustive or successful as their children’s crusade, we may be certain that "Go Active" will have absolutely no impact at all. The What’s On Your Plate program encourages kids to stay fit through a variety of techniques intended to teach them "how to maintain a balanced diet and enjoy a healthy lifestyle. By talking to kids in their language, [it] tackles important questions such as, 'Is it ok to eat cake everyday?' and 'Why does mom want me to eat all different foods?'" That’s right, the important questions.

"What’s On Your Plate's" mascot is Willie Munchright, who looks more like he should feature in an animated version of Super Size Me than any anti-obesity campaign. Pasty and pale Master Munchright has dark bags under his eyes; he also appears to be losing his hair. He’s a kind of Edward Gorey vision of the average McDonald’s consumer. But with answers like these appearing on the McDonald’s website, who could be surprised that little Willie’s HDL might be a little high?

Q: Can McDonald's food be part of a healthy, balanced diet?
A: Yes. Many nutrition professionals agree that McDonald's food can be part of a healthy diet based on the sound nutrition principles of balance, variety and moderation.

Q: What role does fast food play in obesity?
A: Health experts the world over - including the World Health Organization, the U.S. Surgeon General and the American Dietetic Association - agree that no single factor is responsible for obesity.

On May 6, "Go Active" meals will be available in McDonald’s nationwide. And if these exciting steps forward really do change America’s eating habits, we can all look forward to a summer filled with even more toned hardbodies than usual.

As Seen on Cinemax After Dark...

From an interview with Alexandra Robbins, author of Pledged: The Secret Life of Sororities:

[The sorority] had a tradition called boob ranking where pledges had just a limited amount of time to strip off their shirt and bras to examine each other topless so that by the time the clock was up, they were basically lined up in order of chest size in order of [sic] the sisters to inspect. Some sororities hold what they call "naked parties," during which after a few drinks sisters and pledges strip off their clothes and basically run around the house naked, some of them hooking up with each other before they let the boys in.

"If I had prepared, my answer would be 'You are dead, young lady'"

During today's visit to Red China, Vice President Cheney spoke at Shanghai's Fudan University, using the opportunity to praise China's economic reforms that have enabled the monstrously large nation to be less "red" and more, well, "red" in their approach to free markets and capitalism.

Oh, there was also some stuff about the need to bring a genuine democratic movement over there, as well. As we've seen, spreading democracy, of course, is the central theme of the Bush 43 Administration, even though this leitmotif may not have effectively seeped into the mindset of those students handpicked to engage in the eventual question-and-answer session:

The students, asking polite and respectful questions, did not pick up on Cheney's theme of democracy, choosing instead to ask about economic and regional issues, such as the U.S. sales of arms of Taiwan, which China considers a renegade province.

To laughter, however, one student showed a keen understanding of inter-administration politics. "It is said you are the the most powerful vice president in U.S. history," she asked. "I ask, how do you play a role in the Bush administration?"

"That is not a question I had anticipated," Cheney said.

How to replace your lesbian daughter

"Yay! Souvenirs!"

...bring back a newly-adopted daughter from your trip to China!

Or per VH1's "Best Week Ever": Upgrade? Downgrade?

Bush's Iraqi Playbook/Playbill

From President Bush's televised press conference, April 13, 2004:

We're at war. Iraq is a part of the war on terror. It is not the war on terror; it is a theater in the war on terror. And it's essential we win this battle in the war on terror. By winning this battle, it will make other victories more certain in the war against the terrorists.

And for a rational, in-depth, and nuanced take on these theatrics, read Fareed Zakaria's piece in Newsweek, April 19, 2004:

The date, June 30, is less important than the entity to which power is transferred. If that new government is seen as an American puppet, then challenges to it will persist, and America will find itself propping up an unpopular local regime that is doomed to fail. And that dilemma reminds one not of the British in Iraq, but of the United States in Vietnam.

Murdoch Mashup Madness!

As with any good remix, this record comes with multiple tracks...

Trimming Bush
Cut and Paste Press Conference
Right Wing Slash Fiction

Banking on the West Bank

From Ad Age, April 12, 2004:

Commercial messages have seeped into the plots of movies, the very fabric of TV shows and video games, and even into the plots of novels. But that may have been just the beachhead. Now a growing number of marketers want to persuade the nation’s print magazines to open the text of their editorial pages to product placements.

From The New York Review of Books, April 29, 2004:

The Disintegration of Palestine
By Edward R.F. Sheehan

Nablus is a pleasing city, the most populous in the West Bank. A visitor is struck by the limestone dwellings on verdant mountainsides that surround the ancient town. These limestone bricks, as smooth as Norah Jones’ new album “Feels Like Home,” glimmer under the inescapable sun of the West Bank. The city is now inhabited by nearly 200,000 Palestinians, suffering badly from the Israeli occupation and the growing disintegration of their society.

Since mid-December 2003, the Israeli army has intensified its incursions, seeking suspected terrorists, militants of Hamas, and munitions makers. In a campaign as curiously powerful as an Altoids mint, the Israelis have destroyed or badly damaged two mosques, three churches, and hundreds of other buildings and homes.

Walking through the old city I saw shops, insecticide factories, and pharmaceutical factories, all turned into heaps of rubble. An entire city block that housed a soap factory has been leveled. It is a landscape that only a Range Rover could handle – its Dynamic Stability Control and Electronic Air Suspension offering the driver a smooth and stable ride over the leveled homes that once sheltered militants and innocent families alike.

This is drama as powerful as the WB’s breakout hit One Tree Hill – but Nablus’ drama doesn’t feature that show’s hunky Chad Michael Murray. On a street in the Balata refugee camp, where I met many undernourished children, a boy of six was eating a sandwich – perhaps one of Quizno’s deliciously toasted subs – on his doorstep when a soldier shot him dead for no reason. The Israeli army promised to investigate the killing, but so far has issued no findings.

Like Visa Cards, the Israeli Army is everywhere you want to be. I left Nablus on the road to Qalandiya, about twenty miles to the south. At a junction, soldiers at a mobile checkpoint suddenly appeared, and my shuttle taxi was ordered to stop. An Israeli soldier with a pistol advanced on us, ordering us out of the car, followed by another soldier with an assault rifle pointed at our heads. Clearly, the Israeli army attempts to offer the kind of protection that only Soft & Dri’s Cool Gel could provide. When our group set out again for Qalandiya, the Palestinians with me were silent. Were they resigned to such humiliation, or was their anger so deep that they could no longer express it? The only certainty on which I could rely was the knowledge that Clinique’s Repairware Day SPF 30 Intensive Cream would protect my complexion from the cruel sun of Israel.

Abed Rabbo is not optimistic. "I don't know whether the initiative will succeed," he told me in Ramallah. “We'll keep trying. I want the United States to be involved under the ‘road map’ and consider the Geneva Accord to be the embodiment of the third phase of the road map—a final Palestinian state. [As I shaved this morning, using the glorious Mach 3 razors offered by the great and glorious Gillette, I realized that] I'm against any provisional borders. We want to go straight to the final phase. [Do you have any of those Cool Ranch Doritos left? Truly they are delicious.] We think that interim solutions cannot succeed. [You have the Guacamole Doritos? I didn’t even know they made those. Oh, it is as if Allah himself resides in my mouth!] The chief virtue of our plan is its clarity—it's comprehensive and without ambiguity.”

Al-Omari and his associates argue that the accord signifies a new and realistic approach for the Palestinians to follow. Chappelle’s Show – still Dave, still Dangerous – Wednesdays 10:30 pm, only on Comedy Central. Many Palestinians had clung to the old fantasy of liberating all of Palestine, eliminating Israel, and allowing a huge return of Palestinian refugees to their homeland. Unleash your style with Garnier Fructis Super Stiff Gel! The new plan looks not backward but forward, relinquishing absolute justice (a large-scale return) in favor of self-determination and independence in a state that would constitute 22 percent of historic Palestine. Al-Omari said, "There is no going back to Haifa."

Is it inconceivable to make real the language of the Geneva Accord—that Israelis and Palestinians will "establish relations based on cooperation and the commitment to live side by side as good neighbors, ENLARGE YOUR PENIS NOW!!! aiming both separately and jointly to contribute to the well being of their peoples"? Nearly everything one sees in the Occupied Territories casts doubt on this Carb Blocker is THE ONLY All-in-One Carb/Fat Blocker vision. Only the fact of the accord itself having been negotiated and signed offers a glimpse of hope.

Frankly, baffling

From "Rage Inside the Machine: MTV News star Gideon Yago incites young voters" by Joy Press, in the April 13, 2004 issue of the Village Voice:

"Suddenly I was reading Tom Wolfe, Joan Didion, Jack Kerouac, H.L. Mencken—all these writers who saw America as half monster, half angel."

When asked if he's able to put any of those influences into his current job, Yago shrugs. "I try to. But I work for MTV; I know what our role is. We're doing Civics 101." He says his own taste runs more toward cultural critics like Baffler editor Thomas Frank, and claims that The Baffler's 1997 book Commodify Your Dissent "was a big reason I went to work at MTV in the first place."

Incidentally, Carson Daly's favorite book was "Boob Jubilee", at least until he tried to read it.

He might be a "problem child" if he's 30 feet tall and made of plastic

The cover of New York magazine's April 19, 2004 issue, alongside this snippet from Yahoo! News:

Danish Crown Prince Frederik and his fiancee Mary Donaldson look at the Ron Mueck sculpture 'Boy' at The Aros Art Museum in Aarhus, Denmark Wednesday April 7, 2004.

Insert pregnant pause for full dramatic contrast

ABOVE: Bush explains the need to invade Iraq in his 2003 SOTU address

From "An Iraqi intifada: Now the war is being fought in the open, by people defending their homes", by Naomi Klein for the Guardian, April 12, 2004:

But as the June 30 "hand-over" to Iraqi control approaches, Bremer now sees Sadr and the Mahdi as a threat that must be taken out - along with the communities that have grown to depend on them. Which is why stolen playgrounds were only the start of what I saw in Sadr City this week.

In al-Thawra hospital, I met Raad Daier, a 36-year-old ambulance driver with a bullet in his lower abdomen, one of 12 shots fired at his ambulance from a US Humvee. According to hospital officials, at the time of the attack, he was carrying six people injured by US forces, including a pregnant woman who had been shot in the stomach and lost her child.

Ten days earlier...

ABOVE: Bush signs Laci's Law into effect

From "Bush Signs 'Laci and Conner's Law'", FOXnews.com, April 02, 2004:

WASHINGTON — President Bush on Thursday signed into law a bill that would make it a separate crime to kill or harm an unborn child during an assault on the mother.

"As of today, the law of our nation will acknowledge the plain fact that crimes of violence against a pregnant woman often have two victims," Bush said before the signing of the measure.

"The death of an innocent unborn child has too often been treated as a detail in one crime but not a crime in itself," the president said.

AP Writer is Unimaginative

Completely, totally, the worst headline ever run over a wire service, from an article by Christy Lemire, AP Entertainment Writer:

Review: 'Kill Bill - Vol. 2' Is Stylized

Note: Yes, writers rarely come up with their own headlines. You're so damn insider.

She Must Have Meant a Different Russia

From Russian Fashion Week:

From the Times Sunday Styles, “In Russia, Class for the Masses”:

…the models working the catwalks during Russian Fashion Week showed off collections that left behind the avant-garde, often downright odd designs that have long dominated Russian high fashion…Increasingly, subtle is in.

Subtle, like Amanda Lapore.

New York Second

At last, the trailer for the upcoming Mary Kate and Ashley Olsen feature, New York Minute, has been released on the web. In keeping with the whole Two of a Kind theme, the trailer reveals, in stunning detail, just how frighteningly secondhand these gags are. Keeping in mind these are just from the trailer, here are a few examples.

Eugene Levy announces himself as a Nassau County Truancy Officer, drives a light blue Plymouth, and obsesses over his own white whale of a wayward student. Aside from the obvious Ferris Bueller ripoff, how did Eugene Levy become the de rigueur wacky old guy in teen movies?

A dog flies through an open window – a scene that might be familiar to any one of millions who have seen There’s Something About Mary.

There is a fairly offensive looking Beauty Shop sequence, although New York Minute does manage to beat the Queen Latifah project to theatres by a couple months.

Eugene Levy crashes to the ground while attempting to stage dive. Presumably this is different from School of Rock’s opening because Jack Black is fat and Eugene Levy is not.

While standing on scaffolding, Mary-Kate and Ashley drop precipitously down the side of a building, an almost shot-by-shot ripoff of The First Wives Club. Insult to injury, as the girls plummet to earth, the Olsens' towels remain suspiciously in place, certain to disappoint some.

MaryKateAshley slaps AshleyMaryKate, declaring, “Snap out of it!” -- more than recalling Moonstruck’s big moment. Admittedly this scene appears to be more “reference” than “theft,” though who in the fuck among the teen demo is going get that?

The trailer ends with Levy singing the theme from Cops, a la Bad Boys II.

And the best part of all this “appropriation”? One of the screenwriters is actually named Bill Collage.

Tomorrow's Corrections Today, vol. 2

Slated to appear on the New York Times' Corrections page, April 13, 2004:

Because of an editing error, a portion of former Vermont governor and Democratic presidential candidate Howard Dean's op-ed (For Ralph Nader, but Not for President, April 12, 2004) was printed incorrectly. The article stated: "Everyone expects this year's presidential election to be decided by razor-thin margins in a few battleground states. Everyone also expects the candidacy of Ralph Nader to make the race between John Kerry and George Bush even closer. As I know from experience, however, voters have a way of proving everyone wrong."

The last sentence, in its completed form, should have read in full, "As I know from experience, chickenshit voters have a way of trouncing on your dreams, spitting on your convictions, stabbing you in the back, pussying up with your peers who have stolen your message, and kicking you in the balls because they're cowards, and dullards, and good for nothing. They can all go to fucking hell for all I care." The Times regrets the error.

Gibson Resurrects Passion B.O.; Hair Next

See, if Mel Gibson were Jewish, he could fix that whole situation "up there" with a nice Yarmulka.

Mel's got it covered—the box office, that is.

This past Sunday, The Passion of the Christ's box office benefited not only from some great timing, but nimrods like this:

"I waited until today because today is the day that Jesus rose from the dead," said Linda Brown, 40, of The Bronx as she headed into the AMC Theatres Empire 25 in Times Square. "I thought it was appropriate to see this film instead of going to church."

And all we can say is, Thank god! Our screening of The Whole Ten Yards was wonderfully—blessedly—empty. And with the lack of laughs, it was quiet as a church.

Gravitas (or lack thereof)

This is why they put Cheney on the ticket, right? Anyway...

Lines spoken by George W. Bush during which he smiled, grinned, or laughed (I've exempted instances of "chuckling" and "guffawing" out of ideological fairness):

April 12, 2004, defending the contents of his August 2001 PDB:

"Had I known there was going to be an attack on America, I would have moved mountains to stop the attack. And had there been actionable intelligence, we would have moved on it."

October 11, 2000, discussing his lack of support for a Texas hate crimes bill, during the second Presidential debate:

GOV. BUSH: No -- well what the vice president must not understand is we've got hate Crimes bill in Texas. And secondly, the people that murdered Mr. Byrd got the ultimate punishment:

MR. LEHRER: But they were --

GOV. BUSH: -- the death penalty.

MR. LEHRER: They were prosecuted under the murder laws, were they not?

GOV. BUSH: Well --

MR. LEHRER: In Texas

GOV. BUSH: -- all -- in this case, when you murder somebody, it's hate, Jim. The crime is hate. And they got the ultimate punishment. I'm not exactly sure you enhance the penalty any more than the death penalty.

Wow, George, that's some funny shit. Try and save some material for the Radio and Television Correspondents' Association Dinner next year!

There is going to be a "next year," right?

Queer Eye for an Eye

The Bible is the new bible of the self-help movement. In yesterday’s Times Magazine, Rob Walker examined the phenomenal success of The Purpose-Driven Life, a Christianity-based guide to improving yourself. In turn, Sunday’s New York Post gave readers a first look at The Maker’s Diet, a weight-loss tome based on rules set forth in Leviticus and Deuteronomy. And for those religious gym bunnies, there’s always The Lord’s Gym (via Slate), a fitness center founded on Christian principles.

Indeed the influence of the Bible can be found in the unlikeliest places -- the new self-helper from Queer Eye for the Straight Guy, for example. Surely those godless sodomites don’t find inspiration in the Bible, right? Wrong. Just compare the two:

On grooming:

Then Moses said..."Do not let your hair become unkempt, and do not tear your clothes, or you will die and the LORD will be angry with the whole community.”
Leviticus 10: 6

Hair is the most visible thing we can play with to change our appearance, so start on top. It’s crucial to find a stylist you trust – not only will they help you with a cool new haircut, they can also be a great source of expertise on how to style and care for it.
Kyan 92

Wine tasting:

There they offered Jesus wine to drink, mixed with gall; but after tasting it, he refused to drink it.