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November 26, 2003

Thanksgiving 2003: the Mourn of Plenty

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Army Spc. Rel A. Ravago IV, age 21; Glendale, CA

Enlisted American fatalities since March 2003

[With apologies and admiration for George Lois.]

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November 25, 2003

Those 70's Guys

From this week's New Yorker, 'Talk of the Town':
"The Reverend William Sloane Coffin, now seventy-nine and suffering from terminal heart disease..." The Light Of Sunday by Ben McGrath

"Tobin grew up in Elizabeth, New Jersey, and still lives there, in a four-bedroom house on a quiet tree-lined street. Seventy-nine years old, he works most days at his law firm, a few minutes away." Times Warp by Alicia DeSantis

"Omar Sharif—Cairo Fred to his friends—has played a bandit and a Catholic priest and Khalil Gibran and Tsar Nicholas II and the British agent Cedric, who gets trash-compacted in “Top Secret!” He is seventy-one." Cairo Fred by Dana Goodyear

Of course, this guy makes them all seem like pishers:
"Richard Walter, who is eighty-one, and his wife, Linda, who is a little younger than that (they’ve been married for thirty-five years), sleep in separate bedrooms in apartment 6D at 1016 Fifth Avenue, an elegant limestone-and-brick prewar building that faces the Metropolitan Museum of Art, along one of the most expensive strips of real estate in New York." The Noises by Nick Paumgarten

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Commander in Chief of Pop

gwbbloglogo_120.jpgAfter all the discussion last month about President Bush's dismissal of the national news media as a "filter", rather than a conduit, for his "message", it's super-meta-blogging quiz time here at low culture: Between Michael Jackson and George W. Bush, guess which public figure had his media folks say this about his newly-launched blog (the obvious giveaways have been "blacked out"):

"...the Web site allows _____ to bypass the news media to deliver his side of the story to the public.

"He's able to communicate with those people interested without the message being filtered by the media," said _____. "If he wants to put out an 800-word press release, you can read all 800 words."

Bonus points go to whomever can guess which of these two public figures has been arrested at some point in his life (though I guess that doesn't really help to clarify anything).

Extra bonus points go to whomever can justify, or at least explain, the use of the scribbled crayon font in Bush's blog logo (see the actual graphic above).

*(Answer, if you really care about the previous quote: Michael Jackson.)

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A&FU

In a low culture breaking news exclusive, the Abercrombie & Fitch Quarterly, scandal sheet-cum-catalogue has been pulled from the countless college outfitters dotting our nation’s malls. While these actions will deprive sporty-types of saucy interviews with Paris Hilton, requisite profiles of the O.C. cast, and all the homoerotica that’s fit to print, the move represents a victory of sorts for New York Post columnist Michelle Malkin, Catholic League malcontent William Donohue and the countless National Coalitions that seek to protect people from themselves. Campuses everywhere are reeling.

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Offending Upwards

Gregg Easterbook has found a new home for his football blog: NFL.com. Good thing, too, since it's been a few minutes since anyone mentioned his dumb ass. Too bad Radosh is so busy changing diapers, 'cause I'm sure he has what to say on this matter.

Good luck, Gregg: I'm sure you'll fuck this gig up, too.

Earlier thoughts on Gregg Easterbrook from low culture: What Easterbrook Could Learn from Rousseau

[via Romenesko]

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Ku Klutz Klan

kkk.jpgParticipant at KKK initiation wounded after shots fired into sky
JOHNSON CITY, Tennessee (AP) -- A bullet fired in the air during a Ku Klux Klan initiation ceremony came down and struck a participant in the head, critically injuring him, authorities said.

Gregory Allen Freeman, 45, was charged with aggravated assault and reckless endangerment in the Saturday night incident that wounded Jeffery S. Murr, 24.

Excuse me while I laugh until milk shoots out my nose.

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November 24, 2003

Day 2 Retractions (Round 4)

While we've already snidely covered the numerous instances wherein the U.S. military's documentation of events has moved from loudly inflammatory on day 1, to quietly inaccurate on day 2, we're proud to admit another entrant into low culture's "Regretful Press Release 2003" contest.

Day 1, November 23, 2003:

Three US soldiers were killed in northern Iraq on Sunday, including two in the heart of the city of Mosul who witnesses said had their throats slit.

Two shopkeepers who saw the attack said the two soldiers killed had their throats slit after being ambushed in traffic.

A senior US military spokesperson said it would be "ghoulish" to comment on the testimony, but did not specifically deny it.

Day 1, continued, November 23, 2003:

An Iraqi mob, most of them teenagers, dragged two bloodied soldiers from the car, threw them to the ground and pummeled their bodies with concrete blocks, according to witnesses, describing a burst of savagery reminiscent of that in Somalia a decade ago.

Day 2, November 24, 2003:

Military officials retracted a report today that two American soldiers had been slashed in their throats in an attack Sunday in the northern city of Mosul.

A military official here, speaking on the condition of anonymity, said that the two soldiers had died of gunshot wounds to the head and that their bodies had been pulled by Iraqis from their car and robbed of their personal belongings.

The military official said that contrary to some reports, the men had not been beaten by rocks or mutilated in any way...

...Another mystery was the initial reports about the men having their throats cut. The official could offer no explanation for that.

Until round 5 of the contest begins, we recommend Amazon.com's 317th-ranked bestseller, co-authored by Rick Bragg and Paul Wolfowitz.

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What a difference a day makes

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On Sunday you're photographed in The New York Times Magazine in your 'castle in the sky,' your "1958 eight-seater De Havilland Beaver DH-2 restored to [your] specifications." On Monday, you're on page A9 of the same publication with a sign that reads Will Work For Food.

Won't you please remember the neediest and rent Hollywood Homicide this holiday weekend?

Seriously, though: despite what our 'friends' say, we here at low culture aren't complete fucking assholes. Please go to CityHarvest.org and make a donation this year.

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Hey New York Magazine: Whaaaaaaaaaaaazuppp?!

rapwars.gifThis week, New York Magazine took a break from passing the Grey Poupon and traveled uptown—way, way uptown—to write about something called rap 'music.'

But more amazing than having the Towncar take you across 110th Street, is the fact that New York also went back in time for their headline, "Got Beef?"

"Got Beef?" Not a bad hed. Where'd they come up with that?

Hey, New York, next time try to Think Different, won't you?

Earlier thoughts on New York Magazine from low culture: New York's Amazing Feet; I Call Bullshit on New York Magazine

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November 23, 2003

The Dated Game

heartcover.jpgWere you aware that online dating is all the rage? If you missed last year’s big story, this Sunday's New York Times Magazine is happy to provide all the anonymous profiles you need to understand "how Internet dating is re-engineering flirtation..." As if that's not exciting enough, in a low culture exclusive, we’re previewing feature pieces from future issues of the Times Magazine.

Las Nuevas Sonidas: Why Ricky Martin represents a seismic shift in popular music.

Dave Eggers: Remember the name. This low-key moptop is about to revolutionize the publishing industry.

Swinging from a Star: Does swing dancing portend a sea change in the bar scene?

Napster This!: How one little computer program will profoundly change the music industry.

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November 21, 2003

Alternate Histrionics

While today’s New York Times’ op-ed page affords Nigel Hamilton the opportunity to less-than-methodically imagine a world in which JFK was never killed, somehow Hamilton managed to overlook the obvious impact Kennedy’s un-assassination would have on the entertainment industry. Well low culture is here to fill in the blanks, following in the Times' illegible footsteps.

1964 film-arrow.gifThe Manchurian Candidate’s release is not delayed due to Kennedy’s not having been assassinated. Its failure to eerily foresee recent events does not haunt audiences anywhere. 1971 pres-arrow.gifJack Valenti film-arrow.gifRobert Evans marries Love Story’s Goldie Hawn. 1972 pres-arrow.gifJack Valenti film-arrow.gif The film Deep Throat is instead titled JFK’s Two Terms as President. 1976 pres-arrow.gifJack Valenti film-arrow.gif All the President’s Men? Never happened. 1980 pres-arrow.gifJack Valenti film-arrow.gifCritics maintain that John F. Kennedy’s cameo in Smokey and the Bandit II merely serves to obscure shortcomings in the second-act. 1986 pres-arrow.gifJack Valenti film-arrow.gifOliver Stone’s Stripes II: Platoon imagines a group of wacky GI’s looking for ladies while trying to survive boot camp. 1988 pres-arrow.gifJack Valenti film-arrow.gifThe Wonder Years stars Fred Savage as a twelve year old growing up through the placid, less-than-revolutionary ‘60’s. Winnie Cooper’s older brother is alive and well. 1989 pres-arrow.gifJack Valenti film-arrow.gifOliver Stone’s biopic Born on the Fourth of July doesn’t really make any sense. 1991 pres-arrow.gifJack Valenti film-arrow.gifOliver Stone’s biopic JFK opens to mixed reviews, largely criticized for glossing over “Angie Dickinson-gate." 1991 pres-arrow.gifJack Valenti film-arrow.gifAn unknown Lee Harvey Oswald appears in Richard Linklater’s Slackers. His monologue on “Paul Is Dead" proves to be rambling, confusing nonsense. 1995 pres-arrow.gifJack Valenti film-arrow.gifOliver Stone’s biopic Cuomo fails to find distribution. 2001 pres-arrow.gifJack Valenti film-arrow.gifAfter the death of JFK Jr., neither Dominick Dunne nor Steve Dunleavy speculates on the tragic history of the Kennedy clan. 2004 pres-arrow.gifBilly Tauzin

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A Ringer in the Crying Game

In yet another instance of old media stealing—stealing!—from new, this week's Entertainment Weekly picks up on the recent blogger trend of listing movies that make you cry with Cry Freedom: The 50 Greatest Tearjerkers. (Sorry, you need to subscribe to read it on the Web and get your weekly Jim Mullen fix.)

Number one on their list, The Jerk, particularly the scene in which Steve Martin feels so safe with Bernadette Peters he can say, "I slit a sheet, a sheet I slit and on the slitted sheet I sit."

I'm just joshin' ya. Number one: Terms of Endearment. I understand this since James L. Brooks once made me cry, too.

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1st Annual (Ever?) Jonathan Ames Write-Alike Contest

ames1.jpgIn honor of Jonathan Ames' week-long diary of his trip to Club Med on McSweeneys.net, we here at low culture would like to announce our First Annual (Ever?) Jonathan Ames Write-Alike Contest.

Please use our comments area to post your entries. Extra points awarded for use of Yiddish, references to Scott Fitzgerald, detailed descriptions of bodily functions, and in-depth questioning of your sexuality. All entries not in the first-person will be automatically disqualified.

Winning entry will be printed out and hand delivered to Ames who lives two blocks away from me. (Or his mailbox: see nonexistant rules for further information.) All entries must be submitted...whenever. Must be 18 years or older to enter; only one winner per state, sorry Tennessee.

Posted by matt at 12:23 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

Dr. Dean's in Great Shape

belt.jpgI snoozed on this all week, but this comes from Wednesday's Times article,
Remains of Dean's Long-Missing Brother Found by Jodi Wilgoren and Michael Slackman:

Every day on the campaign trail, Howard Dean wears an unfashionable black belt that belonged to his younger brother Charlie, a silent memorial to the man who vanished while traveling the Mekong River 29 years ago... Dr. Dean has worn the black leather belt with the large, silver-rimmed holes for at least 20 years, and counts his brother's death as a watershed that made him more serious about his own future.

How many middle aged men can say they've been able to wear the same belt for 20 years? Oh, and it's a shame about his brother, too.

[Yes, I know that the belt on the left is brown with a brass buckle.]

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To Know, Know, Know Nothing About Him is to Write, Write, Write about him (and we do)

spector2.jpgBeing a journalist is hard work. You have to pound the pavement in search of sources, burn the candle at both ends to write engaging sentences, and worst of all, you have to read the whole blurb on the dust jacket of a book for that deep, deep background.

Ask anyone writing about super producer-turned-alleged murderer, Phil Spector. This comes the back cover blurb of Mark Ribowsky's 1989 book He's A Rebel: Phil Spector, Rock and Roll's Legendary Producer: "Phil Spector created the 'wall of sound,' produced the Beatles' last record, persuaded the Ramones to go 'pop,' made the Righteous brothers sound respectable, and was a millionaire by age 21."
If that last part of the sentence sounds familiar, then you've been paying attention:

"As songwriter, guitarist and backup singer for the band, which hit the big time with To Know Him is to Love Him, he became a millionaire by the age of 21.

"'To Know Him Is to Love Him' and made him a millionaire by age 21."

"By the time he was 21, Spector was a millionaire."

" Spector was a millionaire by age 21, and his music career exploded after he came onto the music scene as a member of the band the Teddy Bears."

"Spector had started his career as a musician with a band called the Teddy Bears before embarking on a songwriting and production career that made him a millionaire by the age of 21."

"Spector was only 21 years old, and he was a millionaire."

"...the youngest record company head and a millionaire age 21, dubbed Tycoon of Teen."

"Spector got his start in the music business in 1958 as a songwriter, guitarist and backup singer for the Los Angeles group the Teddy Bears, which had a hit single with 'To Know Him is to Love Him' and made him a millionaire by age 21. "

Spector began promoting, producing and creating bands when he was in his teens, and was a millionaire by the time he was 21."

"Phil Spector, the legendary but reclusive American producer who invented the 'wall of sound', hit No. 1 with his very first single and was a millionaire by 21."

"By 21, Spector was a millionaire and a maverick dubbed the 'teen tycoon' by author Tom Wolfe."

I don't know, know, know about you, but I broke into a sweat just summarizing it.

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Tracks' Marks

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I thought Tracks Magazine the new Alan Light/John Rollins joint, was gonna be all about music. Why the hell is Wolverine on the cover of the first issue?

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Stupid Host Tricks

letterman_david.jpgRemember when David Letterman was scary? Okay, not scary: mean. Even though he was always winking through it, he was at least being a little mean.

Well, no more. In yet another instance of the total Leno-ization of the culture (example: the President referencing David Blaine like a well-worn monologue joke), Letterman has lowered himself to just another Paris Hilton suitor. (Today's line forms behind, let's say, the guitarist from Stain'd.) According to the still Pulitzer Prize-free New York Post, Letterman made a desperate plea to the hotel heiress-cum-video jockey on his show last night:

"We'll talk about anything you want to talk about—if you have pets, we'll talk about your pets...If you want to talk about the sexual videotape, fine. If you don't, that's fine with me, too... We all know it's not your fault. It's your idiot boyfriend's fault, that's the problem. We'll set the record straight—it'll be a love fest... All I want to say to Paris is, 'You're being led down the wrong path. You come on this show, by God, we'll make you a hero."

A love fest? Isn't that what got Paris in so much trouble in the first place? Dave, we (still, for some reason) expect better from you.

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November 20, 2003

Not Here, Not Now

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Kmart using Jesus Jones' paean to democracy in Eastern Europe? That's just wrong. Really wrong.

Posted by matt at 08:10 PM | Comments (3) | TrackBack

The chump's stump speech

President Bush, despite his being a longtime proponent of repetitive mantras, really ought to look into hiring a new set of speechwriters, lest we have to endure, yet again, his uttering the following lines when asked about protests against his administration's policies.

November 20, 2003, on London's protesters:

"Freedom is beautiful," Bush said today, adding he was happy to be in a country where people were allowed to speak their minds freely. "All I know is that people in Baghdad weren't allowed to do this until recent history."

November 17, 2003, anticipating London's protesters:

"I am so pleased to be going to a country which says that people are allowed to express their mind. That's fantastic. Freedom is a beautiful thing," he told the Press Association.

May 21, 2003, on Berlin's protesters:

"That's good. That's democracy," Bush said of the protests. "See, I love to visit a place that is confident in her freedom, a place where people feel free to express themselves, because that's what I believe in."

February 15, 2003, on worldwide protests:

"The president views force as a last resort. He still hopes for a peaceful resolution and that is up to Saddam Hussein," White House spokeswoman Jeanie Mamo said. "The president is a strong advocate for freedom and democracy. And one of the democratic values that we hold dear is the right of people to peacefully assemble and express their views."

Have we reached saturation yet?

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The politics of refurbishment

bush-chrismorris.jpgWelcome to multimedia corner here at low culture!

In keeping with this week's visit to the United Kingdom by President Bush, the British comedian- cum- scandal-artist -cum-filmmaker Chris Morris has re-posted his two "Bushwhacked" cut-and-paste parody collages of the President's 2002 and 2003 State of the Union addresses.

While these have circulated as audio files since, well, a few days after the initial speech(es) were made, those of us with "digital divide-less" broadband connections are now treated to the full audio-visual experience, which is a vast improvement on the nearly year-old MP3s.

To borrow a phrase that the papers seem so fond of citing, "nearly seven months since President Bush declared the end of major combat operations in Iraq," there's something quite perverse about seeing House Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi grin wickedly at Bush's butchered announcement that "the American flag stands for...cutting out tongues...and rape."

Posted by jp at 03:21 PM | Comments (1) | TrackBack

And now, a little something for the film students...

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Anyone else getting a real Ingmar Bergman Persona vibe off this photo? (Or maybe Picasso?)

Posted by matt at 01:51 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

Meet the Lefty Spice Girls

spicegirls.jpgAmong the 150,000 protesters who greeted President Bush in England this week were the members of The Lefty Spice Girls. On the left (naturally) we have Fiona (aka 'Anti-Globalization Spice'); in the middle is Johri (aka 'Stop War Now Spice'); and in the back is Alex M. ('Environmental Justice Spice'). Not pictured: Alex G. (aka, 'Workers' Rights Spice') and Miranda (aka, 'Legalize Marijuana Spice').

Tell me what you want, what you really, really want... If you want my future, correct your past/If you wanna get with me, end the slog real fast...

Sidebar: What is the deal with photographers only shooting pretty girls at protests and rallies? I mean, that has to be the oldest scam in the book: "Hey, why don't you give me your number and I'll give you a print of this. You know, I'm pals with the photo editor at the paper, I can definitely make your whole sign visible..."
Check it out: 1; 2; 3; 4; 5. I could go on forever here. Don't make me go on forever, okay?

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Biting the Hand that Wanks you

shameoneyou.jpgThe hard-hitting newsmen and women at CBS News in New York decided to follow last night's spankin' Victoria's Secret Fashion Show (Grambo review, TK) with a report on how unsanitary Victoria's Secret retail stores are. Here's a cringe-inducing sample of the report:

John, not his real name, is a disgruntled former employee of two Victoria's Secret stores. He came to us with the revolting allegation that it was store practice to take back used underwear and then resell it.
"When women would come in, I would be disgusted. I knew they were returning something they wore out to a date or just wore out to a club and it's like, you want another woman to buy this?" said John.
[Reporter Arnold] Diaz asked John if there were there times that he put back underwear that he was pretty sure was used, "Yeah, all the time, all the time. I don't even like touching it, I hold it by the tag because I don't want to put my hands on that."


What the hell do you call that? An apology? A rebuke? Synergy?

Posted by matt at 10:16 AM | Comments (1) | TrackBack

C for Comeback

F-for-fake.jpgGood news, Jayson Blair and Stephen Glass! If you wait long enough for the whole plagiarizing and fabricating thing to blow over (like, say 30 years), you'll be able to continue your brilliant careers. Right now you might not be able to eat lunch in this town, but lay low for a while and you'll be the toast of tinsel town just like Clifford Irving.

Clifford Irving? Who dat? Irving, a once promising writer, was at the center of the fake Howard Hughes biography scandal in the early 70s. After it was revealed he lied about being authorized to write the billionaire mogul's autobiography by the recluse himself, Irving was forced to return his $765,000 advance to McGraw Hill and spent some 14 months in prison for fraud. (The whole story is amusingly told by Orson Welles in F for Fake, an amazing—and amazingly weird—movie whose title amazingly never once came up during the Jayson Blair scandal.) Here's what Irving told 60 Minutes II when he looked back on his 15 minutes of infamy in 2000: "I was lying to everybody... I was on a train of lies. I couldn't jump off." (Gee, sounds like some other guys.)

Anyway, Irving reemerged as a fiction writer and one of his novels, Tom Mix and Pancho Villa (from 1982) has just been optioned with the screenplay to be written by classy A-list scripter Steven Zaillian. Of course, the movie sounds like a steaming turd, but that's beside the point. What was the point again? Oh, yeah. Hang in there Jayson and Stephen: redemption will be yours in a few decades.

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Reports of Her Death Have Been Greatly Exaggerated

courtney1.jpgCourtney, we really, really knew ye.

You know that totally narcissistic fantasy you have about being able to attend your own funeral and hear what everyone has to say about you? (You know, like this guy.) Well, the girl with the most cake gets to have that experience without all the messy details of dying first.

This week, The Stranger looks back at the life of Courtney Love from her musical legacy to her amazing Hollywood make-over. There's also a peak at new Loves and a celebrity humurist/eulogist to crack wise. (David Kamp wasn't free, so they got this dude.)

It's sad. She had so much to live for, but I guess she just couldn't live through this.*


* Please don't post that Courtney, as of 8AM EST is still alive. I get the joke, okay?

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November 19, 2003

Delusions of Commandeur

bush-blaine.jpgPresident Bush, who apparently reads People magazine just like the rest of us, is hip to B-level pop culture. According to Fox News, when the president was asked about the large-scale protests that greeted his arrival in England this week, he indicated his appreciation of the phenomenon by acknowledging that

"the last American to cause such a ruckus in the city was illusionist David Blaine, who recently spent 44 days in a self-imposed fast in an elevated plastic box above the Thames River. For the first few days, Blaine's box was pelted with food and the people jeered at him.

'A few might have been happy to provide similar arrangements for me," Bush said, adding that he was grateful to the Queen for interceding and allowing him to stay at Buckingham Palace."

Oh, and one other point about this article. While it's so, so passé to marvel at the amazingly limited worldview of Fox News and its audience, some of their antics continue to provide fresh opportunities for amazement. Such as today's headline (since relegated solely to an appearance on the front page) for this "Blaine-dropping" article: "Bush Gets Royal Treatment."

"Royal treatment" apparently no longer implies "pampering," "adoration" or a waitstaff tending to your every need. This new iteration somehow incorporates negative poll numbers indicating that a majority of British citizens were opposed to and inconvenienced by his visit, as well as managing to invoke the plans for nearly 100,000 protesters to march upon and topple a Saddam-esque effigy of the President in Trafalgar Square on Thursday.

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TMI: LBJ, JFK, THC and CBS

lbj-at-desk.jpgWho knew trash-documentary producer Nick Broomfield was such a history buff? It just has to be the crazy and conspiratorial Broomfield who produced a documentary that aired on the History Channel last night entitled, "The Men Who Killed Kennedy: The Guilty Men," which alleges that Lyndon Johnson was somehow involved in the assassination of President Kennedy 40 years ago.

Wait, sorry. It turns out one "Nigel Turner" produced this edifying film for the History Channel, but LBJ's presidential foundation is pretty plum pissed off regardless of its origin. Apparently having learned nothing from the conservative task force that set out (and subsequently succeeded) in preventing this month's airing of CBS's "controversial" Reagan miniseries, Johnson's family members and former aides had the temerity to allow this thing to air!

According to an AP story, LBJ Foundation Chairman Tom Johnson stated, "We left the decision on editorial content and accuracy up to the History Channel." What a nimrod!

"He and Jack Valenti, another former Johnson staff member and current president of the Motion Picture Association of America, issued a joint statement on behalf of the Johnson family and others.

'Sadly, President Johnson and the staff members who are wrongly smeared by the conspiracy theorists are no longer alive to defend themselves,' the statement said. 'In televising this production, The History Channel has distorted history beyond recognition.'"

Tom Johnson, incidentally, is not related to the former president. He is, however, "a former president and CEO of CNN." This probably has nothing to do with the foundation's going after the A&E-owned History Channel.

That would be both crazy and conspiratorial.

Posted by jp at 05:35 PM | Comments (1) | TrackBack

A low culture exclusive: Michael Jackson Bombshell!

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Perry Watson-Hoover III, as Michael Jackson, leaving a Santa Barbara Court House

Breaking News: JACKSON FACES CHILD MOLESTATION CHARGES
D.A.: Jackson to be charged with child molestation; Bail set at $3 million

Related: MICHAEL JACKSON IMPERSONATOR ACQUITTED OF MOLESTATION CHARGES
Charges that Perry Watson-Hoover III, a professional Michael Jackson impersonator, molested Jonathan Lipnicki's stand-in on the set of Stuart Little II were dropped when it was revealed the stand-in was 29 year-old Peter Feuerman. The Santa Barbara District Attorneys Office issued an official apology in the matter and Watson-Hoover expressed his relief and hope that he can continue to impersonate Michael Jackson for years to come.

Posted by matt at 04:44 PM | Comments (1) | TrackBack

This isn't only about what you think it is, I swear

charles-toe.jpgHello, anglophiles and throne-watchers! Quick: what have you been missing out on here in the U.S. for the past six years? That's right, a visit by Prince Charles, the future King of England, who hasn't set foot on American soil since coming to New York in 1997.

While this may seem topical only due to President Bush's current visit to the United Kingdom, or maybe recent events in Massachusetts' judiciary, it has nothing to do with American intolerance of homosexuality. We think. The Prince of Wales, after all, isn't gay, for one thing (just check out the photo above: President Bush would never, in good conscience, shake hands with a gay bloke).

But he can shake hands with the "pro-Palestinian" Prince Charles. The Guardian quotes a source close to the issue as saying,

"It [concern over Charles travelling to the US] revolves around the perception that the Prince of Wales is fairly Arabist. He has, in American terms and international terms, fairly dodgy views on Israel.

"He thinks American policy on the Middle East is complete madness and he used to express that quite loudly to a lot of people, including ministers and various ambassadors."

The source added: "The system basically thinks that he is unsound on America and he has not really wanted to go anyway. He doesn't much like American culture."

But, Charles, don't be so unfair! Americans love both selective inbreeding and tampon reincarnation.

It's just this "gay" thing we need to work on. And the Middle East, I guess.

Posted by jp at 01:21 PM | Comments (1) | TrackBack

Blind Man's Blurbs

slackphoto.jpgAnd in other local alternative press news, I've been seeing Jim Knipfel's name popping up in The New York Press as a B-movie DVD critic.

Maybe the jokes on me here, but how can Knipfel be a film critic, since he's, like, blind? Knipfel is a decent writer, but, I mean, can he really be a film critic?

Posted by matt at 10:43 AM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

Reaching: Towards a New Hermeneutics of the Post-Structural Pachyderm

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Part of The Village Voice's recent redesign is the inclusion of a weekly cultural essay, creatively named The Essay. I'm all for this, since it might give me a chance to one day repurpose some of my old college papers (anyone out there wanna see yet another piece on Muhammad Ali and Norman Mailer?), but this week, The Essay goes over the deep end.
Using Gus Van Sant's film Elephant and The White Stripes' album, um, Elephant as a jumping off-point, the impressively-named Leland de la Durantaye treats us to a 1442-word essay on... elephants called "The Cleansing of the Elephants: Trumpeting, flapping, crying: a cultural history, from Ding Yunpeng to Gus Van Sant."
I skipped it.
This is the sort of thing Entertainment Weekly could've done in a 200-word charticle.
Next week, we'll be treated to 2,000-words on little people using The Station Agent, Elf, and Bad Santa.

Posted by matt at 10:26 AM | Comments (1) | TrackBack

Michael Jackson: Is This Scary?

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It’s you who’s taunting me
Because you’re wanting me
To be the stranger
In the night...
Is that scary for you baby
Am I scary for you oh boy
Is it scary for you big baby
Is it scary for you
You know the stranger is you
Is it scary for you big baby

From "Is This Scary," by Michael Jackson from Blood on the Dance Floor: HIStory in the Mix

You know this kid is scared.

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Unintentionally Hilarious Photo of the Moment, vol. 9

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November 18, 2003

Bible Accuses Governer Schwarzenegger of inappropriate touching

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Accuser's face has been obscured to respect privacy
New Inauguration Day 'groping' charges rock California Governor

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Masthead and Commander

Just when it seemed that Friendster had blown its wad, soon to be reduced to pop-culture footnote, low culture has discovered yet another diversion to be plumbed from everyone’s favorite community-based resource.

Simply take the byline of any article – magazine, newspaper, or otherwise – and perform a user search on Friendster. If that piece appeared in a media-centric publication based out of New York or L.A., the odds are good that its author is online. In general, the lower said writer appears on the masthead, the more likely he will appear on Friendster. And contributor photos are a boon – most of the writers for MTV’s newest cultural debacle use the same picture for Spankin’ New and Friendster.

And suddenly that fluff piece you just skimmed takes on an entirely new dimension.

Isn’t it better to know that New York Magazine’s recent interview with cultural cipher Farrah Fawcett was written by a young woman who counts dead languages and religion among her interests?

That dreary Newsweek piece about our failures in Iraq? Its author enjoys watching Monday Night Football and listening to Santana when he’s not bemoaning America’s efforts at nation-building.

And ladies? He’s single…

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November 17, 2003

Headless Prez in Topless Mag

bush-topless-censored.jpgBrace yourself for the most embarrassing interview by a G.O.P. politician to appear in a porn mag since Arnold Schwarzenegger appeared in Oui two decades ago...

Washington Post White House correspondent Dana Milbank, who's received some praise here before on at least a few occasions, has fallen a bit short with today's piece detailing President Bush's gift of an all-too-rare exclusive print interview with a Rupert Murdoch-owned topless tabloid in the UK.

The article's good enough, mind you, and does a good job of illustrating the fact that it's a bit hypocritical for this most Christian of presidents to be appearing in a paper that features nude women and Enquirer-type stories...it's just the headline that misses its mark. The Post goes with "Prez in Topless Tabloid," which, though theoretically meant to parody the headlines of the tabloid in question, comes off more like an Army Archerd-esque Variety lead.

Come on, Dana...be a little more adventurous! "Boobs, Bullies, and Bollocks: Bush meets Blair," for starters. Or "Dish n' Hips," perhaps. Or even the oh-so-blunt "Topless Girls--Featuring Bush!"

We here at low culture know you've got a sense of humor, Dana. Check out your closing paragraph:

After McClellan's bombshell at yesterday's briefing, this correspondent asked whether the other publications present would get Bush interviews if they ran nude photos. "I hope you're not talking about yourself," McClellan replied.

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Sign O' The Times

amis.jpgPoor Marty Amis. His latest novel, Yellow Dog, has garnered the nastiest notices of an otherwise charmed career. The first, and loudest, of these reviews came from crap novelist Tibor Fischer, disemboweling Amis in a career-making piece for the Daily Telegraph. “It's like your favourite uncle being caught in a school playground, masturbating,” he soberly notes.

Could any novel really be "masturbating uncle" bad?

It's true, Amis walks into his typical traps. There are the hugely unfortunate sentences:

And, to Xan, this poem of boredom was like a douche of self-discovery.

Or even better:

…for the first time in his life he was contemplating the human vulva with a sanity that knew no blindspots…

There are too the rampant pontification and cheerless self-importance, but these failings have been forgivable in the past, even part of what makes Amis great. But lately it would appear that Amis is guilty of a sin even worse than plagiarizing one’s own mediocre think-piece from Talk Magazine.

Mister Amis has become uncool – enfant terrible grown ancien regime or further evidence of Sick Boy’s Unifying Theory of Life. Even the typically high-minded Walter Kirn accuses Amis of using tactics that “might have raised eyebrows 50 years ago…” And in Amis’ universe, uncool is a capitol crime.

Evidence of Amis’ complete dissociation from contemporary culture has played out lately amid his spacy declarations concerning the internet. Confer Grandpa Amis’ recent nap on "Topic A with Tina Brown," in which he explains, “I’ve never looked at [the internet], because I don’t know how to use a computer,” here Tina politely chuckles, “and I’m often quite relieved that I can’t.”

Hardly a crime, but based on the evidence, perhaps it would be best for Amis to avoid including the transcripts of emails, or “e’s” as Amis labels them, in any future novels. Amis’ fictionalized e-mail exchanges feature lines more suggestive of a Prince song than any correspondence I’ve ever received. Below are excerpts from "Yellow Dog’s" "e’s" alongside some fakes. Can you separate the real crap from the fake?

& i no th@ if i ever find some1 2 spend the rest of my days with…

y o y, clint, do people use 6 2 infl8 their own gr&iosity?

tell u l8r. just u w8 & c.

u should go @ it 40ssimo

& per4ms the usual r&y stunts with a lady-in-w8ing!

4 him, the sun shone out of my *…

[Answer Key: They're all real.]

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Spike Lee's attorneys, will you please do the right thing and sue these people?

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Yes, Fair Use and parody and the First Amendment and blah, blah, blah. Why can't editors—and members of a publication's art department—be arrested and jailed for stunts like this? I mean, can't we at least fine them for thought crimes or something?

Let's hope that the litigious Mr. Lee does the right thing and Spikes this in a court of law. Is The Jewish Journal finally getting their revenge on Lee for the allegedly anti-Semitic portrayal of Jews in Mo' Better Blues, or are they just idiots?

[Thanks Marc Weisblott!]

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November 16, 2003

One of these men is the most powerful man in Hollywood. Two are chumps.

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A.O. Scott reminded me of something I'd intended to write about a few weeks ago: those incredibly annoying respectcopyrights.org ads that run before the trailers at movies lately.

Let's set aside how offensive it is that the highly paid producers, studio heads, and chairmen of the entertainment conglomerates are using these ordinary working Joes to guilt us out of pirating movies. What I found really offensive was that one spot, the one with stuntman Manny Perry (far left), features clips from Enemy of the State (directed by A.O. Scott's namesake and doppelganger, Tony Scott). This movie was produced by Jerry Bruckheimer, whom Entertainment Weekly recently deemed the most powerful man in Hollywood.

Should we really be taking advice on what's right and what's wrong from a guy whose former partner, the late Don Simpson, used to get off on beating up hookers and making them drink out of the toilet while he urinated in it? (You can read all about Simpson's fast times and early death in Charles Fleming's High Concept: Don Simpson and the Hollywood Culture of Excess.) Is Jerry Bruckheimer in any position to tell us how we're mistreating Hollywood's underlings? What's next, a commercial with Scott Rudin's assistants telling us we're making their lives a living hell? Maybe a spot with some Korean animators telling us how we're destroying Disney?

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The Gold and Platinum Standard

VFcover.jpgIn "Who's Smoking Now," an article on High Times Magazine's re-branding by John Leland in The Times 'Styles' section, Richard Stratton, the magazine's new publisher and editor-in-chief envisions the new magazine as "'an outlaw version of Vanity Fair,' with a dash of Wine Spectator and Cigar Aficionado... a magazine for epicurean libertarians who may or may not smoke marijuana."
A noble goal, to be sure, but he should be careful about that Vanity Fair comparison. Many are the magazines (and, oddly, restaurants and resorts) that have sought to compare themselves (or were favorably compared by others) to the venerable magazine of moguls, royalty, disposable stars, and Christopher Hitchens and fallen flat on their faces. Here is but a sampling:

Radar: "it'll be Spy meets Vanity Fair."
Heeb: "Think of it like a Jewish lowbrow Vanity Fair."
Playboy: "could be the sexual Vanity Fair."
George: "Vanity Fair of politics."
Praxispost.com: "the Vanity Fair of medical writing."
Wired: "the Vanity Fair of the internet generation."
Eat: "Think Dazed & Confused meets Vanity Fair."
The Millennium Restuarant: "The Vegetarian Times meets Vanity Fair."
The Oxford American Magazine: "kind of like Spy meets Vanity Fair with text from The New Yorker."
The Costanoa resort in California: "It's Outside Magazine meets Vanity Fair."
Seed Magazine: "Scientific American Meets Vanity Fair."
Sense Magazine: "Town & Country meets Vanity Fair."
Luxury Magazine: "ROBB REPORT meets VANITY FAIR."
Melbourne Magazine: "wallpaper meets vanity fair."
Savoy Magazine: "African-American Vanity Fair."
Los Angeles Magazine: "aspired to be a west-coast Vanity Fair."
low culture: "The Vanity Fair of blogs."

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November 14, 2003

Breaking hearts and losing minds

aljazeera-cartoons.gifSigh.

That's the sound of a global sigh of relief, mind you, now that El Presidente has decreed that the U.S. will begin expediting the transition to Iraqi "self-rule". Apparently, the Iraqi people have been expressing interest in becoming "more involved in the governance of their country," according to President Bush in yesterday's remarks on the subject of the post-war transition of power.

Well, with that in mind, it's nice to know the United States has been victorious in the cliched "battle of hearts and minds" that Rumsfeld et al kept championing throughout the spring and summer. Just check out these editorial cartoons from the Arab press as collected by Al-Jazeera, the noted television news mouthpiece of the Arab world. The caption for the strip above, incidentally, is as follows: "You see! Democracy is good. Isn't it?"

Why, there's hardly any anti-American sentiment in sight.

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This is what a dead soldier looks like

waw-cover.jpgToday's New York Times has a good signed editorial by Andrew Rosenthal about hiding the soldiers who died or were injured in Iraq. After pointing out that the President (or anyone in his cabinet) hasn't attended any funerals for the dead or publicly addressed these slain soldiers' families, Rosenthal concludes:

The Bush administration hates comparisons between Iraq and Vietnam, and many are a stretch. But there is a lesson that this president seems not to have learned from Vietnam. You cannot hide casualties. Indeed, trying to do so probably does more to undermine public confidence than any display of a flag-draped coffin. And there is at least one direct parallel. Thirty-five years ago, at the height of the Vietnam War, the Pentagon took to shipping bodies into the United States in the dead of night to avoid news coverage.

If you're curious to see what real war fatalities look like, try to track down a copy of Ernst Friedrich's classic 1924 Passivist manifesto War Against War!. The 261 page book features hundreds of gruesome, heartbreaking photographs of soldiers killed and injured during the First World War along with an impassioned critique of war in general.

Since this isn't Rotten.com, I didn't want to post any of these photos here, but you can find them on this site. [Warning: Not for the faint of heart, or squeamish members of the Bush cabinet.]

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