end run brought to you by ok soda
  April 14, 2007
The Waverly Interns (...Sigh)

Commissioned by and produced for vanityfair.com, featuring noted monologist Mike Daisey, for starters. (No Graydon Carter whatsoever.)

  June 1, 2006
All My Friends
A One-Act Play


"I've got all my friends: Will [Smith], Kanye [West]..." – Tom Cruise sharing the contents of his iPod with US Weekly, June 12, 2006.

Tom Cruise: Ye dog!

Kanye West: Who dis?

Cruise: It's Cruise Control, baby!

West: T.C.? Shiiiiiit. What up, dawg? I didn't recognize your number on my caller ID.

Cruise: Of course you didn't, K. I have all my calls encrypted and re-directed through seven satellites positioned over each continent. You can never be too safe, man. Especially with a new baby.

West: Word. Word. How is little Suri?

Cruise: Who? Oh, right. She's awesome, Kanye! Awesome! Fatherhood is so amazing, man! The pictures of her are so cute. Hey, did you see Mission broke some records at the box office?

West: Congratulations.

Cruise: Thanks. We're all really proud. J.J. did a great job. So what if it's not Da Vinci numbers. You know what? Every movie can't be War of the Worlds. Who wants it to be, you know?

West: What's that crying, man? Is that Suri?

Cruise: Naw, dog. It's Katherine. She's been a little emotional since the baby.

West: Give her my best, man.

Cruise: Thanks. Thanks, Ye. So, you must be asking yourself, Why's Cruise Control calling me?, right, dog?

West: Mmmm.

Cruise: I wanted to see if you got the literature I sent you.

West: Yeah. Yeah, I got it.

Cruise: And?

West: And I'll read it. I'm in the studio this week, but I'll read it, man.

Cruise: I really think the Technology can take you to the Next Level, Ye. Next level!

West: I hear ya, Tom. But, you know, I'm all about the church, man. My big hit was "Jesus Walks," remember?

Cruise: Remember? I love that song, Ye! I especially like how un-glib it is.

West: T., that crying's getting awfully loud, man. Is Katie alright?

Cruise: Katherine.

West: Is Katherine alright?

Cruise: The thing is, Kanye: The Technology in no way conflicts with Christianity. Nic was a Catholic and she followed Hubbard's teachings. And she got an Oscar for The Hours. See, that's what I'm talking about when I say 'Next Level,' Ye.

West: Yeah. I'll read the stuff you sent, Tom.

Cruise: Atta boy, Ye! And I'm here to explain anything. If you need someone to meet up with you and talk about this stuff wherever you are, there's usually a really smart person in every major city. Or within flying distance. I think of you as a good friend, Ye, and I want you to get to the Next Level, man. I'm talking the Isaac Hayes Level, bro. Black Moses!

West: Thanks, Tom. I appreciate your help. Listen, man. I gotta run. Also, it sounds like Katie's really losing it over there. You might wanna go talk to her.

Cruise: You mean Katherine. And, oh, that's not her. I actually left the house a few minutes ago. I'm on the way to the Center in the Escalade. I'm watching some possible extras for the Mission III DVD. God, J.J. did such a good job, man.

West: A'ight, T.C. Holla at ya' boy.

Cruise: What? Suri's a girl, dog.

West: Yeah. I know. It's just an expression, man. It's like 'Aloha.' You say it when you say goodbye or hello or what's up. Well, listen, I gotta bounce. Later, Tom.

West hangs up.


Cruise dials another number.

Cruise: Big Willie Smith! Holla at ya' boy, dog!

Will Smith: Yo, who dis?

Posted at 10:48 AM in a Desperate, Speculative fashion.
Make our "team" part of your "team"
jean-paul tremblayJean-Paul Tremblay written-ed, directed and co-produced a bunch of so-called "comedy" and "video" content, is notoriously competitive, and nonetheless settles for bottom-tier tokenism. Repped by John Herndon at Grape Dope Entertainment. Thrill jockey!
matt haberMatt Haber has written for The New York Times, Esquire, and The New York Observer. He is not allergic to pet dander and can do "ethnic" accents if the part calls for it. He is repped by Candy Addams at Entertainment 4-Every-1. Feeling special?
Guy Cimbalo is so cute! Yes, he is. Who's a cute little Guy? You are, you are! Guy's our very own star of stage and screen and is repped by Jeff Kwatinetz at The Firm. Rowr!
What "They" Say About "Us"

"Humor so black you're afraid to laugh." - Playboy

"Low Culture gets more mileage out of headlines and photo captions than most blogs get out of endless pages of text." - The Week

"No irony slips past Low Culture." - Daniel Radosh

"what's happened to this site? it used to be one of my favorites. now there are never new posts and when there are it's bloodied and dismembered dead bodies... grave, indeed." - Some Guy Named Tim

"I don't get it." - Some Person Calling Him-/Herself "Cubeoid"

Text Ads, our nod to the Plebes
or, "Fun with Adblockers"

Additional Information
Looking for an RSS Feed, or want to syndicate this site? Click here for that purpose.

Some of our older readers may be asking, "Whatever happened to that 'famous' two-column, Shallow and Grave-formatted version of Low Culture?" Rest assured, we've archived that motherfucker here.

This here site, though, was built and crafted by none other than Low Culture Design & Media Mega-Powerhouse HQ.