Categories
Shallow

Tru(deau) Life: I Want a Famous Face

Although some voices have deemed this week’s Doonesbury too violent for the comics page, others have praised its realistic (though cartoonish) depiction of wartime Iraq. But where discord is sown, low culture offers peace. What follows is a revised Doonesbury for the week of April 19-23, 2004, designed to appeal to more popular tastes and delicate, war-resistant sensibilities.
It’s sure to please everyone, and unlike the war itself, offend no one.
MONDAY’s revised strip (click thumbnails to enlarge):
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TUESDAY’s revised strip:
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WEDNESDAY’s revised strip:
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THURSDAY’s revised strip:
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FRIDAY’s revised strip:
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Categories
Shallow

Separated at Pitching Meeting

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James Brown: Funny, times two.
Ah, Spring, when a young humor writer’s thoughts turn towards… James Brown? Don’t ask us why, but for whatever reason, The Godfather of Soul, the Hardest Working Man in Showbiz inspires some of April’s best humor writing.
Take for example, this item from this week’s Onion, Why Can’t This Family Ever Have A Funky Good Time by one “Tomi Rae Brown”:

Maceo! I said Maceo! Uh, Maceo! Don’t just keep saying “what,” boy. Go get that pecan pie out the kitchen. Take it into the living room. We gonna have a funky good time, and I don’t want you starting off before everyone. Bring the pie here. Right here. Everybody grab a piece—don’t be greedy now. We family, after all. There’s enough of this pie to go around. That’s right, y’all. Enough pie for all! Pecan pie! Mother-made pie! Good pie! Damn good!

Funny shit, right?
We were laughing so hard, we almost forgot about Papa’s Got a Brand New Play that ran in Spy Magazine back in April 1995. That was funny, too:

Steve: Oh Baby, Don’t You Weep. I Can’t Help It (I Just Do-Do-Do). (1964, 1965)
Caldonia: There Must Be a Reason — What Kind of Man … Keep On Doin’ What You’re Doin’? (1959, 1968, 1971)
Steve: Got No Excuse. I’m a Greedy Man. And I Do Just What I Want. [looks off wistfully into the distance] Sometimes That’s All There Is. (1965, 1971, 1960, 1980)
Caldonia: I’ll Never Let You Break My Heart Again. [she gets up, goes inside the house, and comes back out, carrying a suitcase.] I Won’t Be Back. (1972, 1964)
Steve: Baby Baby Baby. Hold It. [jumps to his feet and takes her arm.] You Don’t Have to Go. Stay with Me. I’ve Got to Change. I’ll Work It Out. Stop and Think It Over. (1964, 1961, 1962, 1981, 1963, 1968, 1965)
Caldonia: Tell Me What You’re Gonna Do. (1964)
Steve: I Need Your Love So Bad. [caresses her cheek.] I’ll Be Sweeter Tomorrow. (1975, 1969)

Yes, the Godfather giveth. And giveth. But only in April, apparently.

Categories
Shallow

Page Six‘s union sympathies: International Brotherhood of Typo Writers

From the New York Post, Page Six, April 22, 2004:

The union has set a May 2 deadline for reaching a new contract. “I came out of the meeting thinking there could be a strike,” said one writer.
The A-list participants at the closed-door powwow were David Kepp, who just got $3.5 million for penning “Zathura,” the sequel to “Jumanji”; Richard LaGravenese, whose credits include “The Fisher King” and “Bridges of Madison County”; Tom Gilroy, “The Bourne Identity”; Stephen Schiff, “Lolita”; Brian Kopelman and David Levien, the partners behind “Rounders” and “Runaway Jury”; Robert Benton, “Kramer vs. Kramer”; Nora (“Sleepless in Seattle”) Ephron and her husband Nick (“Goodfellas”) Pileggi; and James Shamus, the head of the Writers Guild East who wrote “Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon” and “The Hulk.”

Four typos in one sentence! Nice work, guys. In a non-union shop, the Post would have substituted “David Koepp” for their “David Kepp,” “Tony Gilroy” for their “Tom Gilroy,” “Brian Koppelman” for their “Brian Kopelman,” and “James Schamus” for their “James Shamus.”

Categories
Grave Satirical

Karl Rove for the Day, Vol. 4

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From the Associated Press, “Bush Touts Patriot Act, Raises GOP Funds”, April 20, 2004:

President Bush speaks in support of the Patriot Act at Kleinhans Music Hall in Buffalo, N.Y., Tuesday, April 20, 2004. Listening to President Bush, from left to right, John Moslow, Chief of Police, Amherst, N.Y., Michael Battle, U.S. Attorney, Western, N.Y., Larry Thompson, former Deputy Attorney General, James McMahon, Director of Public Security, N.Y., Peter Ahearn, Special Agent in Charge, FBI, Buffalo, N.Y.

Categories
Shallow

Girly-Boys Gone Wild

Wimp.jpg It is clear — the time has come for the MetroSexual Anti-Defamation League. As this casting call should reveal, those simpering, moisturizing girly-boys are about to be subjected to the sadistic imaginations of reality show producers. Have we learned nothing from Playing It Straight?

We’re looking for guys, 21-35, to star in an upcoming reality series for a major cable network. He just needs to be for adventure — and extremely UN-manly.
WHAT KINDS OF GUYS ARE WE LOOKING FOR?
We want to hear about any guy you’d consider extremely UN-manly — the guy who needs to get in touch with his more primal side (and has a sense of humor). It could be a mamma’s boy, metrosexual, or minivan-driving carpool dad. Think George Costanza, Frasier Crane or Raymond without the whole everyone loving him part. Any version of modern emasculated man will be more than welcome. Be creative and have fun with it! To spark your imagination, here are a few examples:
Ladies, it could be your
…husband who’s painted NASCAR stripes on the minivan.
…new-age vegan ex who’s been so busy trying to save the world, he’s never experienced it.
…metrosexual boyfriend who thinks he’s prettier than you.
Guys, it could be
…the one guy that you and your buddies all think needs to grow a set.
…your old friend who’s serving time as a middle manager in a suburban office park.
…your trust fund college roommate who’s never had to work a day in his life.
…the guy in the office who’s over 30, still lives at home and has his clothes laid out for him. He may or may not be a virgin.


Interested applicants or angry wimps can find more information here. We’re assuming the show will air on FX.

Categories
Grave

Escalation of the Unwilling

coalition_map.gifWhat a week, eh? It’s not yet “Humpday,” but in the past 48 hours, the Bush administration has had to endure three distinct diplomatic blows at the hands of international allies. The term “allies”, of course, refers to nations that at one point agreed with the U.S. administration’s ideology on issues of global relations – that is, until they realized they’d been manipulated, lied to, and disingenuously dealt with.
SPAIN: “Spain’s new leader firm on Iraq”

Spain’s new leader is standing firm in his pledge to pull Spanish troops out of Iraq, despite U.S. and British pressure…Last week, Zapatero rejected an appeal from U.S. President George W. Bush to stand by the U.S.-led coalition in Iraq.

HONDURAS: “Honduras to pull troops out of Iraq”

The US-led coalition in Iraq suffered its second defection in 24 hours yesterday when Honduran President Ricardo Maduro said he would withdraw his nation’s 368 troops “as soon as possible”.

JORDAN: “Jordan’s King Delays Bush Meeting, Cites Mideast Stance”

Jordan’s King Abdullah postponed a meeting with President Bush scheduled for tomorrow, citing concerns about Washington’s position on the Middle East peace process, officials said yesterday.

Wait! Don’t forget this extra-special bonus round of glum spirits and/or outright defections:
THAILAND: “Honduras to pull out troops, and Thais look shaky”

The Thai Prime Minister, Thaksin Shinawatra, said of his troops: “If we get hurt or killed, I will not keep them there.” The Thai Senate began a debate yesterday on a resolution calling for the troops to come home.

THE PHILIPPINES and SOUTH AMERICA: (also from “Honduras to pull troops out of Iraq”, referenced above)

Philippines President Gloria Arroyo said she was “unlikely” to withdraw 100 soldiers and police officers stationed in Iraq. Mrs Arroyo, who faces a tight election on May 10, has been slammed by opposition politicians for the Iraq commitment.
“She loves President Bush more than her countrymen,” Senate candidate Juan Ponce Enrile said.
[…]
The Honduran troops are attached to the Spanish regiment in Iraq, along with 374 Salvadoran and 302 Dominican troops who are due to go home in July. Nicaragua’s 115 troops left Iraq in February and were not replaced.

These weak-willed foreign leaders, so clearly cowering in their boots, having been influenced by the Madrid terror attacks…Oh, wait, that was just Spain, and their voting population was already 90 percent against their nation’s policy in Iraq before last month’s presidential election, and that was before former President (and Bush ally) Jose Maria Aznar’s administration lied to the public about Basque separatist responsibility for the terror attacks.
The American public, meanwhile, can rest assured that we must be getting the “correct” news, as opposed to all this discouraging foreign nonsense about dishonesty and deception, since a CNN/USA Today poll released Monday shows President Bush leading presumptive Democratic Presidential candidate John Kerry by 51 percent to 46 percent in a survey of likely voters taken this past weekend.

Categories
Grave

Profiles in Coverage (Uppage)

bush as kennedy

Categories
Shallow

Tina Brown’s worst dinner party ever

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“Would you please pass the apocalypse?”
Artwork taken from the April 19, 2004 issue of the TIME 100 (“our list of the 100 most influential people in the world today”).
And sitting next to Hillary Clinton in the foreground…what the hell did Jeff Jarvis do to get invited?

Categories
Satirical Shallow

Tomorrow’s Corrections Today, vol. 3

Slated to appear on the New York Times’ Corrections page, April 20, 2004:

Because of an editing error, an article by Julie Flaherty in yesterday’s Business section, “Many Started Web Logs for Fun, But Bloggers Need Money, Too,” accidentally misstated the number of internet users who read Web logs, or blogs. The article claimed that blogs “are frequented by only about 10 percent of people who use the Internet.” The corrected sentence should have said, “are frequented by only about 10 people who use the internet.” The Times regrets the error.

Categories
Shallow

Dorff on Britney

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If you were dating Dorff, you’d kill yourself too.
[Click on Dorff for the full video.]