low culture

John Negroponte, newly-appointed President of Iraq, erm, U.S. Ambassador to Iraq
From today’s statement by President Bush at the Pentagon:

“In the next few weeks, important decisions will be made on the make up of the interim government. As of June 30th, Iraq’s interim government will assume duties now performed by the coalition, such as providing water and electricity and health care and education.”

Maybe he meant to add “…and governing Iraq” at the tail end there, and carelessly left it out?
No, wait, that would contradict Article 26 of the Iraqi Constitution recently implemented by the occupying Coalition:

“(A) Except as otherwise provided in this Law, the laws in force in Iraq on 30 June 2004 shall remain in effect unless and until rescinded or amended by the Iraqi Transitional Government in accordance with this Law.
(C) The laws, regulations, orders, and directives issued by the Coalition Provisional Authority pursuant to its authority under international law shall remain in force until rescinded or amended by legislation duly enacted and having the force of law.

All captions come from Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld’s notorious leadership tract of January 29, 2001, “Rumsfeld’s Rules: Advice on government, business and life,” which appeared in the Wall Street Journal when Rumsfeld initially took office three years ago.
As you’re surely well aware by now, some of the Iraqi prison torture images from Abu Ghraib are rather, well, foul, so the captioning continues below…

“Enjoy your time in public service. It may well be one of the most interesting and challenging times of your life.”

In preparation for our enthusiastically volunteering at this fall’s Republican National Convention in New York City, we’ve begun heartily agreeing with a number of Republican opinions of late, including obsessive madman Dick Cheney yesterday, and, today, Representative Jeff Flake (R-Ariz.), who has decried the Bush administration’s latest efforts to clamp down on Cuba’s government as the continuation of an historically ineffective methodology of dealing with our petite Communist neighbor to the south, and little more than primitive election-year antics targeted to Florida’s Cuban voters. Specifically, Flake is addressing administration plans to further impede the ability for Americans to visit the island nation, while increasing funding for flying U.S. military C-130 aircraft over Castro’s homeland while broadcasting pro-American and pro-democractic messages.
From the May 7, 2004 Washington Post:

Rep. Jeff Flake (R-Ariz.) is a leading proponent of congressional efforts to lift ever-tighter restrictions on travel to Cuba, a proposal that won majorities in the House and Senate last year. He said trying to use a C-130 to defeat Cuban jamming of U.S. government broadcasts is laudable but insufficient.
“If we’re really serious about letting Cubans hear a voice other than Castro’s, why not let Americans travel there?” Flake asked in a written statement. “After all, Castro can’t scramble a firsthand conversation.”

From “Remarks by the Vice President to the 16th Annual National Fire and Emergency Services Dinner“, Hilton Washington, Washington, D.C., May 5, 2004, 7:12 P.M. EDT:

“And I’m told Joe Allbaugh is in the audience tonight. Joe shouldn’t be hard to spot. (Laughter.) He — that’s Joe.”

Earlier, as part of this rare moment of kinship with Dick Cheney, we, too, had already ragged on this Allbaugh guy, but, again, he deserves it.

Finally, a solution to that most basic of Rove-ian electoral issues: how to make a connection with a completely vapid voting populace? Pick an asinine point and make it. Then, do it again. And again. And again. (God, those poor Secret Service agents. At least we now know those dark sunglasses function largely to shield the public from frequent bouts of eye-rolling.)
Ten points to whomever can correctly identify the recurring theme of the quotes sampled below:
Remarks by the President at Pancake Breakfast, Lucas County, Ohio Recreation Center, Maumee, Ohio, 9:30 A.M. EDT:

I’m sorry Laura is not here. Yes, I know. She was on the bus trip yesterday, but had to go back to Washington because, like me, she is — she works for the country. She’s got something to do. She’s got a scheduling conflict. (Laughter.) But I tell you, she sends her love and her best. She is a fabulous First Lady. One of the main reasons — (applause) — one of the main reasons to put me back in there — (laughter) — is so that Laura has four more years as the First Lady. (Applause.)

Remarks by the President at “ask President Bush” Event, Hara Complex, Dayton, Ohio, 12:32 P.M. EDT:

The good news is, Laura W. Bush wants to serve for four more years, as well. (Applause.) I regret she’s not here. I talked to her on the plane earlier this morning. She said to send her very best. She is a — I’m a lucky guy. She’s a great wife, a wonderful mother, and a fabulous First Lady of the United States. (Applause.)

Remarks by the President at the Golden Lamb Inn, Lebanon, Ohio, 2:43 P.M. EDT:

I regret that Laura is not here today. I know it. You drew the short straw. (Laughter.) You know, I really got lucky when she said, “yes.” She is a fabulous wife, a great mother, and she’s doing a wonderful job as the First Lady of this country. (Applause.) I think she deserves four more years. (Applause.)

Remarks by the President at Ohio Rally, Cincinnati Gardens Arena, Cincinnati, Ohio, 6:48 P.M. EDT:

I wish Laura were here to see this crowd. (Applause.) Listen, a good reason to put me back in there is so she will have four more years as the First Lady. (Applause.) She’s a great First Lady. She’s a fantastic wife and a great mom and a wonderful First Lady. I’m really proud of her. She sends her best. She sends all her best. She sends her best to all her friends here in Cincinnati.

SPECIAL BONUS ROUND, MICHIGAN EDITION:
Remarks by the President at Michigan Rally, Jerome-Duncan Theatre at Freedom Hall, Sterling Heights, Michigan, 8:44 P.M. EDT:

We’ve had a fabulous day today. It’s been somewhat diminished by the fact that Laura had to go home early. No, I know, you drew the short straw. (Laughter.) There’s a lot of reasons why I think I need to be reelected. But for certain, one of the most important reasons is to make sure that Laura is the First Lady for four more years. (Audience interruption, inaudible.)

Why is it that after seeing all the “(Laughter)” and “(Applause)” inclusions, I suspect “(Audience interruption, inaudible)” is code for “Get off the stage, you fucking hack?”

From “The Torture Photos,” the New York Times, May 5, 2004: