low culture, Page 61

Grave

You’re saying it like you mean it (…this time, at least. And it’s not like you’re a lying cunt, right?)

Post author By jp
Post date November 4, 2004

From Bush Wins Second Term: Kerry Concedes Defeat; Both Speak of Need for Unity, Washington Post, November 4, 2004:

An elated President Bush claimed a reelection victory yesterday after a tumultuous night of vote counting and a gracious concession by challenger John F. Kerry, and he pledged that he would seek to earn the trust of those who did not back him during the long, contentious campaign.
In an explicit appeal to those Americans who voted for Kerry, Bush said: “To make this nation stronger and better, I will need your support, and I will work to earn it. I will do all I can do to deserve your trust. A new term is a new opportunity to reach out to the whole nation.“

From For Bush and GOP, a Validation, Washington Post, November 3, 2004:

President Bush, his fate for winning a second term still officially uncertain, commanded the popular-vote majority that eluded him in 2000. And in an impressive run of battleground states, he seemed to win validation for a campaign that unabashedly stressed conservative themes and reveled in partisan combat against Democratic nominee John F. Kerry.
[…]
Although final judgment is still to come, yesterday’s balloting did in several instances validate important elements of the Bush political model. This strategy has been based from the outset of Bush’s term on carefully tending to the Republican Party’s conservative base, and a governing strategy based more often on trying to vanquish political adversaries rather than split the difference with them.

OC-centric Shallow

Obligatory Pop Culture Entry To Prove We Haven’t Become Humorless Prigs

Post author By matt
Post date November 4, 2004
7 Comments on Obligatory Pop Culture Entry To Prove We Haven’t Become Humorless Prigs

The O.C. is back! Dude, The O.C. is totally, totally back!
And not a minute too soon. Nothing makes me forget the difficulties of being an adult than watching a bunch of attractive actors play out fantasy scenarios of the awesome teen years I never had. After a long day of commuting to work, being belittled and humiliated by employers, forced into small talk with ignorant coworkers, trips to the ATM to see you have less money than yesterday, skimming magazines and seeing images of a good life you will never be able to attain, and commuting home to your tiny, over-priced hovel for another night with the partner you’ve settled on, nothing speaks to you like The O.C., baby!
Guys, isn’t it so awesome that you can ogle the chicks on the show even though they’re underage? It’s like an hour-long suspension of all known statutory rape laws. They’re so much younger than your wife or girlfriend, and it’s a lot safer than talking to girls in AOL chat-rooms or flirting with your daughter’s friends. And you can totally masturbate to it if you watch it in your den with the door closed.
And ladies, isn’t it so great that you get to be in love with that nerd character, even though when you were in high school, you would’ve wanted nothing to do with him and probably spent the majority of your day making his life a living hell? But compared to your insensitive, foul-smelling, hairy-backed manchild of a husband or boyfriend, the so-called man who makes love to you with the repetitive, passionless finesse of a Punch Press, that O.C. geek is like prince charming. You even cut his photo out of Entertainment Weekly. You are too cute!
God, when did your life start to suck so bad that the completely fictional lives of imaginary rich kids become the ultimate escape? If you think about, you almost want to cry. You almost want to shoot yourself with a diamond bullet that would tear you apart, shattering the numbing boredom of your life, the endless trips to the gas station, the loading and unloading of the washing machine, the mortgage payments, the judgmental glares of all those people who think they’re better than you even though you try your best to be a good person, the microwaved leftovers that are still cold in the middle, that feeling you have after three beers on a Sunday, sitting on the couch not quite drunk but dimly aware that this is it, this is all there is to your life. And you’re, what, 32? Jesus.
Yay! The O.C.! Yay!!!
Okay, that was a complete failure. I’ve never even seen The O.C.. I’m sure it’s pretty good.
The O.C. airs 8PM EST, on FOX.

Grave

A nation united, at least in our appreciation for primary colors and coastal schisms

Post author By jp
Post date November 4, 2004

TOTALLY DECONTEXTUALIZED FUN WITH ELECTION MOTIFS: John Edwards and his campaign’s “Two Americas” theme

Grave

Welcome Back

Four More Years: Powell, Cheney, Bush, Rice, Card, Tenet (resigned), and Rumsfeld
I can’t believe we almost lost you guys. It would’ve been a shame for you all to creep back into the primordial military-industrial ooze from which you came, but luckily for America—and the world!—you kept the band together and the hits will just keep on coming. (POP STAR. That’s rich. Why not THE BOSS?)
Here’s to another fun-filled term. We promise to keep doing our best if you promise to keep doing your worst.
P.S.: Ladies, have your abortions now. Even if you’re not pregnant, have a few while you still can.

Shallow

We’re Back (Like It Matters)

Post author By matt
Post date November 4, 2004
2 Comments on We’re Back (Like It Matters)

Hi. Hey, how are you? You look really good. Are you working out? Or, wait, it’s your hair. It looks great! How did we not notice your haircut? It’s so, so great.
Us? We’re alright. I mean, we’re okay. Actually, we’re not so good. You won’t believe the week we had. First, our site went down. I know, it’s nuts! Right before the election! Some software crap. Or server crap. Or some combination thereof. Messy stuff. Stressful, too.
We’re fine now, I think. I mean, we’re still coughing up chunks of phlegm the size of walnuts, but we’re gonna go back to work and stuff. We’ll survive.
Luckily, not much happened in our absence. Oh, that election thing? That’s nothing. We’re not even thinking about it. These new meds our doctor gave us create a cool, calm feeling inside us that makes this election look like… Well, it looks like everything else right now: sort of hazy, flowing like blue-tinted liquid glass that encircles our awareness of reality and encloses the burning rage and despair we feel deep down in the part of us that’s still alive. It’s awesome: you gotta get some medication, you won’t be sorry.
And we got our hair cut, too! Do we look good? Well, we’ll be back to posting shortly, in between cutting ourselves and lighting fires behind our house. It’s good to see you. We really love your hair.

Grave

Welcome to the New World You’ve Created

Post author By matt
Post date November 4, 2004

Have a nice decade.

Grave

Conspiracy-A-Ga-Ga

Post author By matt
Post date October 29, 2004

It’s such a powerful revelation, The New York Post had to bury it in its gossip page where it pushed aside the latest on Pharell and Mick Jagger’s daughter. While the blurb itself is larded with legalistic caveats, the headline says it all: CONSPIRACY THEORY: KERRY ‘TIE’ TO OSWALD.

Conspiracy theorists are buzzing about John Kerry’s connection to Lee Harvey Oswald and the JFK assassina tion. While no one in the lunatic fringe has gone so far as to suggest Kerry helped kill Kennedy – yet – they make much of the fact that a cousin of Kerry’s, Michael Paine, was a close friend of Oswald who frequently had the assassin as a house guest.

Whoa. Do you really want to play this game, Page Six? Crumple up that tin-foil hat before someone reminds you that “conspiracy theorists” have been “buzzing” for years that John Hinckley’s brother, Scott, was allegedly scheduled to have dinner with Bush’s brother, Neil, the night John shot Reagan in 1981!
If we are to believe these shoddily-designed websites from people with even shoddier worldviews, the Bushes and the Hinckleys were supposedly best friends forever! (Imagine the barbecues at the Bushes: Hinckleys, Saudis, the Oak Ridge Boys: “Pass me another Coors Light, Poppy. More Ribs? You know it!”)
Some dude even went so far as to tie Hinckley’s attempt on Reagan with Kennedy’s assassination by claiming that Reagan was “shot from the Bushy knoll“!
Wow. See how fucking stupid I sound saying this stuff? Elevating these wackadoos to even the most carefully vetted legitimacy, lowers a writer to, well, a fucking idiot.
Let’s all learn from the recent obituaries for Kennedy Press Secretary Pierre Salinger, whose otherwise impeccable career in public service was marred by his late life promotion of a conspiracy theory he’d learned on the internet—that TWA Flight 800 was shot down by a missile.
If the foolish promotion of an unfounded conspiracy can cling like the smell of shit to a smart man with integrity, what do you think it could do to the writers of a gossip column for a ridiculous, unprofitable newspaper?
Nothin’. You’re probably right.

Shallow

Funny, That’s What Those Thai Hookers Said, Too

Post author By matt
Post date October 29, 2004

“This matter has caused enormous pain… This brutal ordeal is now officially over, and I will never speak of it again.”
—Bill O’Reilly

Grave

Denver Waffle

What follows are excerpts from the Denver Post editorial page, endorsing George W. for president. Kind of.

…Since 2001, Colorado has lost more jobs than we’ve gained, and the ones we’ve gained pay less than the ones we’ve lost. We pay less in taxes, but our household and medical expenses have skyrocketed. Ninety thousand of us have lost our health coverage. Washington is ringing up record deficits and sticking the next generation with the bill. In Iraq, Colorado-based military units and reserves are deployed in a hostile environment for questionable purpose and uncertain result…
…So the president has our endorsement for a second term, even as we call on him to steer a more moderate course that is in keeping with his campaign appearances, but not his first-term performance.
It’s no secret that we part company with the president over many issues. Two glaring sore spots are his obsession to cut taxes even while piling up record deficits, and his mishandling of all things Iraq. He squandered global good will by taking a “my way or the highway” approach to matters of global warming, international law, Iraq weapons inspections and ultimately the Iraq invasion. He bows to corporate preference in matters of energy and environment, and his education funding levels leave far too many children behind.
Kerry has infused the 2004 campaign with energy and gumption, offering fresh ideas on health care and sensible plans for our tax structure. His are the superior proposals on environmental protection, on stem-cell research and judicial nominations. Sure, we’ve seen Kerry bend to the political winds over his long career, but we wouldn’t mind one bit if more Washington politicians would reconsider their past judgments and ideological certainties. Kerry’s growth on the campaign trail gives a glimpse of his potential.
Our support for Bush is tempered by unease over the poor choices and results of his first term. To succeed in his second-term, Bush must begin by taking responsibility for U.S. failures in Iraq, admit his mistakes and adjust U.S. strategy. Big time, as his running mate might say.
…But respect for his leadership was sharply diminished by U.S. missteps in Iraq and evidence that the president had ignored frequent warnings of Osama bin Laden’s murderous ambition. Even so, there is opportunity for Bush to make adjustments that will validate the sacrifices of coalition forces and Iraqis themselves.
We believe George W. Bush is up to the challenge.

Well of course, that couldn’t make any more sense, now could it? Oh wait, it could – the Denver Post’s parent company, MediaNews Group, is owned by William Dean Singleton, a major donor to the Bush-Cheney campaign.
[via, yes, fine, I admit it, The Al Franken Show]

Grave

Positive campaigning on the international front

Post author By jp
Post date October 28, 2004
1 Comment on Positive campaigning on the international front

Hey, fellas: What’ve you been listening to lately? Brian Wilson’s newly-revised and -released SMiLE? We thought so.

Frankly, it’s rather impressive that Arafat was able to get ahold of a copy of this album after being holed up in his compound by Israeli tanks for two long years. You see, there is a practical application for those smuggling tunnels everyone’s always going on about.