Categories
Grave

Gravitas (or lack thereof)

bush_smiling.jpgThis is why they put Cheney on the ticket, right? Anyway…
Lines spoken by George W. Bush during which he smiled, grinned, or laughed (I’ve exempted instances of “chuckling” and “guffawing” out of ideological fairness):
April 12, 2004, defending the contents of his August 2001 PDB:

“Had I known there was going to be an attack on America, I would have moved mountains to stop the attack. And had there been actionable intelligence, we would have moved on it.”

October 11, 2000, discussing his lack of support for a Texas hate crimes bill, during the second Presidential debate:

GOV. BUSH: No — well what the vice president must not understand is we’ve got hate Crimes bill in Texas. And secondly, the people that murdered Mr. Byrd got the ultimate punishment:
MR. LEHRER: But they were —
GOV. BUSH: — the death penalty.
MR. LEHRER: They were prosecuted under the murder laws, were they not?
GOV. BUSH: Well —
MR. LEHRER: In Texas
GOV. BUSH: — all — in this case, when you murder somebody, it’s hate, Jim. The crime is hate. And they got the ultimate punishment. I’m not exactly sure you enhance the penalty any more than the death penalty.

Wow, George, that’s some funny shit. Try and save some material for the Radio and Television Correspondents’ Association Dinner next year!
There is going to be a “next year,” right?

Categories
Shallow

Queer Eye for an Eye

carson_pic.jpgThe Bible is the new bible of the self-help movement. In yesterday’s Times Magazine, Rob Walker examined the phenomenal success of The Purpose-Driven Life, a Christianity-based guide to improving yourself. In turn, Sunday’s New York Post gave readers a first look at The Maker’s Diet, a weight-loss tome based on rules set forth in Leviticus and Deuteronomy. And for those religious gym bunnies, there’s always The Lord’s Gym (via Slate), a fitness center founded on Christian principles.
Indeed the influence of the Bible can be found in the unlikeliest places — the new self-helper from Queer Eye for the Straight Guy, for example. Surely those godless sodomites don’t find inspiration in the Bible, right? Wrong. Just compare the two:
On grooming:

Then Moses said…”Do not let your hair become unkempt, and do not tear your clothes, or you will die and the LORD will be angry with the whole community.”
Leviticus 10: 6
Hair is the most visible thing we can play with to change our appearance, so start on top. It’s crucial to find a stylist you trust — not only will they help you with a cool new haircut, they can also be a great source of expertise on how to style and care for it.
Kyan 92


Wine tasting:

There they offered Jesus wine to drink, mixed with gall; but after tasting it, he refused to drink it.
Matthew 27: 34
If it’s corked, it will smell moldy, or taste like vinegar, or be revolting in some other fairly obvious fashion. If you think there’s something terribly wrong with it, ask the wine steward to taste it.
Ted 45


On skin care:

After he had washed, put on lotions and changed his clothes, he went into the house of the LORD.
2 Samuel 12: 20
Look for a moisturizer that’s free of fragrance and hypoallergenic if you have sensitive skin that’s easily irritated. Lotion is the most common form of moisturizer, good for normal or combination skin.
Kyan 108


On lighting:

They are to take a blue cloth and cover the lampstand that is for light…
Numbers 4: 9
I’d be happy with a dimmer on every light in the house — they’re crucial to modulating the mood of a space.
Thom 126


On decorating:

In your marketplace they traded with you beautiful garments, blue fabric, embroidered work and multicolored rugs with cords twisted and tightly knotted.
Ezekiel 27: 24
Go window-shopping — wherever furniture is sold, just walk around and browse.
Thom 130


On belts:

This is what the LORD said to me: “Go and buy a linen belt and put it around your waist, but do not let it touch water.”
Jeremiah 13: 1
Personality starts in the crotch region. But you knew that. Get a vintage leather strap and find a belt buckle that says something about your personality.
Carson 179


On the thank you:

Then he will thank you, and it will be regarded as a righteous act in the sight of the LORD your God.
Deuteronomy 24: 13
If someone holds the door open for you, say thank you. No one will ever say that being too polite is rude, so when in doubt, express your appreciation.
Jai 216


On despair:

And at the ninth hour Jesus cried out in a loud voice, “Eloi, Eloi, lama sabachthani?”– which means, “My God, my God, why have you forsaken me?”
Mark 15: 34
In the last year, American men have come to know and expect that the dramatic arrival of five impeccably dressed gay men at their door can mean only one thing: Their life is about to get more fabulous.
Introduction 11

Categories
Grave Satirical

Creatively Ideological Ellipsing

classifieddocument02.jpgFrom the recently-declassified PDB (president’s daily briefing) of August 6, 2001, which was received (and, presumably, read) by President Bush while vacationing on his ranch in Crawford, Texas:
Ellipses (or “dot dot dots” for all you non-grammar geeks) indicate either a) material omitted due to extant classified status, or b) material omitted to make this memo look way more deceptively damning than it already is in its original form (which, admittedly, is pretty portentous in and of itself, but still…).

“[G]overnment…reports indicate bin Laden…was planning…a terrorist strike in the U.S. …and…maintains a support structure…in California…and…New York…for attacks.
…We have…been able to corroborate…reporting…that bin Laden wanted to hijack a U.S. aircraft…for…attacks…of…buildings in New York….[A] group of bin Laden supporters was in the U.S. planning attacks…
[E]xplosive.”

Categories
Grave

Perhaps the ark of the covenant can reveal his undisclosed location?

cheney_raiders_toht.jpg

Categories
Shallow

Now put him to sleep

From the New York Daily News’ Daily Dish, April 9, 2004:

Carson Daly is getting long in the tooth – old, that is – for the MTV crowd.
How old is he? So old, that at 31, he’s going to get a Lifetime Achievement award at MTV’s upcoming TRL Awards.

Categories
Grave

(Not) Separated at Birth

separatedbirth_not.jpg
With all due respect to former Senator Bob Kerrey.

KERREY: Dr. Clarke, in the spirit of further declassification…
RICE: Sir, with all…
KERREY: The spirit…
RICE: I don’t think I look like Dick Clarke, but…
(LAUGHTER)
KERREY: Dr. Rice, excuse me.
RICE: Thank you.

Categories
Grave

Identify Bush’s Republican Party supporters

bush_onstage_old.jpg

OR

bush_onstage_young.jpg
ANSWER: The top photo, only because the little brown folks in the bottom photo with Dubya aren’t old enough to vote!
(Thanks to Matt at 1115.org for the “compassionate” photo link)

Categories
Satirical Shallow

Tomorrow’s Corrections Today, vol. 1

Slated to appear on the New York Times’ Corrections page, April 9, 2004:

Because of an editing error, we misidentified the author of an op-ed which appeared in Thursday’s paper about Nirvana’s Kurt Cobain and the growth of alternative rock music. The article was written by former Secretary of Labor Robert Reich, not Sonic Youth guitarist Thurston Moore. The Times regrets the error.

Categories
Grave

One pitches, the other catches (no flack)

cheney_baseball.jpg
This is surreal…even more surreal than former White House press secretary Ari Fleischer’s ability to deliver press conferences from Bizarroland in which reporters’ questions were asked, only to be deftly deflected by irrelevant non-answers. Flipping the tables a bit, and following the lead of his boss, Vice President Dick Cheney, after throwing out the opening pitch for the Chicago Cubs-Cincinnati Reds game, spent a few minutes on Monday being interviewed from the radio booth by sports announcers Marty Brennaman and Joe Nuxhall – while the game was in progress – resulting in perhaps the most bizarrely irrelevant back-and-forth to be made available on the White House’s press transcript page since, well, ever.
Cheney on life at the White House:

Q: Is this a welcome break for you?
THE VICE PRESIDENT: It really is. I’ve got to go on tonight. I was in the White House this morning with the President. I’ve got a speech in New Orleans tonight, and I’ll be back in the White House tomorrow. But, sure, to get a few hours out here at the ball park, it doesn’t get much better than this.
Q: Kerry Wood at the plate, and a diving jab at the ball and knocked down by Castro. If he doesn’t touch it, Larkin fields it, a run scores and it’s a 5 to 2 ball game. So if Castro doesn’t touch the ball, Larkin is right there. But he doesn’t know that.

Cheney on current events, uncluding, presumably, the election and the situation in Iraq:

Q: A ball and a strike to Grudzielanek, and the stretch and the pitch: breaking ball drops in for a called strike, and a 1-2 count to Mark Grudzielanek. He is one for two this afternoon, has scored a run.
Q: Busy year for you folks, huh?
THE VICE PRESIDENT: Looks that way.
Q: It sure does. (Laughter.)
THE VICE PRESIDENT: A lot of work going on, a lot of stuff happening around the world, and then, of course, the campaign on top of that.

Cheney on his campaign itinerary:

Q: So now you’re in New Orleans tonight?
THE VICE PRESIDENT: In New Orleans tonight, and there’s a Senate race down there next year, or this — come November. And as I say, I’ll be back in Washington late tonight, and then be in the office tomorrow. I’m out on the road usually a couple days a week. And then on Friday, I take off for Asia for a week.
Q: Lidle delivers, and Patterson a swing and a miss. And it’s a 1-2 count to Corey Patterson.

Cheney on the economy:

Q: Are you pleased with the way things look as far as the economy is concerned?
THE VICE PRESIDENT: I am. I think all the signs are headed in the right direction.
Q: One-two pitch, swung on and missed. And Lidle picks up his second strike-out.
THE VICE PRESIDENT: And, of course, the employment numbers are looking good. We got those out last week. We’ve got some 400,000 jobs created here in the last couple of months, since the 1st of the year. So everything is, I think, moving in the right direction.

(via Al Kamen’s article in the April 7, 2004 Washington Post)

Categories
Shallow

No Nose Jobs

gisele.jpg
Gisele Bundchen, bridging the years