ON NEWSSTANDS NOW: i-D Magazine‘s July 2004 issue, left, and V Magazine‘s Summer 2004 issue, right
Category: Shallow
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Do we defeat true men?
Yes, it’s an easy target. And yes, we’ve already harped on for some time about how the New York Post is very, very error-prone. But today’s Post has three egregious errors, and we thought it pertinent to point them out, in fulfillment of our duties here at low culture as Honorary Ombudsmen of the Paper of Disrepute.
1. From STERN’S LADY IN LAD MAG: “Almost as good is a celebration of the enduring comedy “Nerds,” which this year turns 20.” Let’s see: either they’re reporting on an obscure, under-appreciated documentary depiction of the creation of the Willy Wonka-themed candy of that name, or they left off a key “Revenge of the” preceding modifer. But, hey, everyone loves a good shorthand now and then, right?
2. While not an error, per se, the paper’s HARVEY SET TO BOLT MIRAMAX on Page Six seems a bit, erm, unlikely. “Under the plan being considered, Weinstein would leave to start his own movie company and Miramax would distribute his films, sources say. Harvey’s brother and Miramax co-founder Bob Weinstein is expected to stay at the company, where he runs Dimension Films, a Miramax division that focuses on medium-budget action and horror films.” Fans of studio politics everywhere understand that while Harvey’s a boor, Bob is merely churlish, and boors hardly ever stand down for churls.
3. Oh, and there’s also some big hullabaloo about some error they may have made regarding the cover story above…Something about a cabinet pick, or an election or something? DEVELOPING…
While fans of lawsuits and/or insipidly lowest-common-denominator clothing chains may best know about West Virginia from its run-in with Abercrombie & Fitch last year over the company’s sale of T-shirts with the mocking phrase, “It’s All Relative in West Virginia,” it may be time to update your repertoire of insults for the 35th state in the union.
Mull over this disturbing factoid from the Associated Press, which comes via President Bush’s visit to the southern state on the fourth of July this past weekend.
Making a pitch for votes in a state where 200,000 veterans comprise 15 percent of the population, Bush praised veterans for “setting a good example for those who have followed … in Afghanistan and Iraq,” said Bush. Thirty-six percent of all male West Virginians fought in World War II, 16 percent in Korea and 20 percent in Vietnam.
Now, that last line seems ridiculously erroneous, and most probably involves some sort of grammatical error in relation to the first sentence of the paragraph sampled above. Because, otherwise, that means roughly 70 percent of West Virginian men are approaching retirement age.
And if that is in fact true, be on the lookout for next week’s hard-hitting TimeOut New York cover story, “WV to NY: Young and single West Virginians hit big on the New York bar scene!”
From left to right, Nicole Kidman and her Oscar-winning prosthetic nose, and the egregiously untalented Ashlee Simpson. Poor, poor girl. Check her pockets for rocks before she goes to the MTV Beach House.
From the case’s promotional copy for the current DVD (re-)release of Disney’s 1993 film A Far Off Place, which is noteworthy only in that it stars a younger, pre-Election, Reese Witherspoon:
“A classic adventure in the literary tradition of Holes”
An actual letter to the editor which appeared in The Nation‘s July 12, 2004 issue, amidst readers’ comments on the magazine’s “tribute” to the many under-reported negative aspects of Reagan’s presidency:
Boston – You omitted one salient fact: Ronald Reagan was responsible for creating the best marijuana in the world! When Reagan initiated his “war on drugs,” the marijuana growers were hard pressed to beat the Feds. They had to re-engineer their plant, and they did so in one of the greatest breeding undertakings ever–no recombinant DNA, just conventional breeding technology. In a few years the marijuana plant was a dwarf plant that lacked the typical acrid odor, thereby allowing it to be grown indoors. Along with these changes came additional benefits–the best and most potent sinsemilla marijuana in the world. Bravo, Mr. President.
STEVEN ACKERMAN
In yesterday’s New York Times, the paper’s Hollywood scribe Sharon Waxman shows how the success of Mel Gibson’s The Passion of the Christ has given the former action star a newfound ability to effectively greenlight and produce a number of his own projects. (In addition to turning water into wine on cue.) Waxman writes that “Mr. Gibson’s Icon Productions will have no fewer than three prime-time television series on the networks’ fall schedule: ‘Clubhouse’ on CBS, ‘Savages’ on ABC and ‘Kevin Hill’ on UPN.”
When detailing the nature of these projects, however, Ms. Waxman, regrettably, left out specifics regarding the shows’ content, save for a few bullet points here and there.
What follows, then, is our exclusive insider guide to Icon Productions’ fall television lineup, praise be He:
CLUBHOUSE
Airing this fall on CBS
Marc Donato portrays a New York teenager who becomes a batboy for the Yankees. Sounds sort of tedious and Wonder Years-ish, right? Wrong…this tale’s been Gibsonized! Herod, or “Harry”, as he’s better known in the clubhouse, first acquired fame in the New York tabloids as the product of an immaculate conception at North Central Bronx Hospital fifteen years earlier. The adolescent Harry, who now notoriously has quasi-biblical powers, comes to the attention of Yankees owner George Steinbrenner, who, in the series opener, is embroiled in a payroll accounting scandal, and in an effort to redeem himself in the eyes of God (and the New York media), hires young Harry to provide redemption for not just “this tired old Jew,” but the entire team of sinners, as well.
And, thankfully, things shape up for the team pretty fast under Harry’s guidance. When not providing the home plate umpire with new baseballs, or making sure Alex Rodriguez’s batting gloves are well-oiled, Harry has the opportunity to counsel Jason Giambi on the perils of ingesting “Satan’s Unnatural Poisons” in his effort to hit more home runs, and coaxing team captain Derek Jeter into giving up his womanizing ways after a nasty encounter with Satan’s Temptress, played by the enchanting Rebecca Romijn. And when the Subway Series reprises itself during sweeps week, Mets catcher (and notorious homosexual) Mike Piazza learns that a good man is, indeed, hard to find, and subsequently falls in love with Harry’s aunt, Seraphia, a former lesbian also cured by God’s love.
SAVAGES
Airing this fall on ABC
Keith Carradine plays a single, working-class dad raising five sons. Pretty straightforward, huh? Well, need we remind you that this, too, has been Gibsonized? Keith plays Papa Barabbas, a former missionary in Peru, who has adopted five Incan boys as his own and now must go about raising them in the suburbs of Chicago, all alone. Diehard missionaries and men of God, after all, can’t take a wife, which wreaks havoc on his blue-collar neighborhood after Barabbas forcefully renounces the advances of special guest star Bonnie Hunt.
And on the homefront, despite Barabbas’ background in converting South Americans to Christianity, things are both difficult and hilarious for him as he tries to get his boys to stop speaking to each other in their native Quechua dialect. His sons, however, grow more and more flustered as they struggle with urban colloquialisms such as “What’s up?” and “True, dat.”
KEVIN HILL
Airing this fall on UPN
Former up-and-coming actor Taye Diggs settles into the role of a high-powered lawyer forced to become a father figure overnight when his cousin tragically perishes, leaving him with custody of a baby girl. Mel Gibson, a noted misogynist, initially balked at the idea of adapting the films Mostly Martha and Raising Helen into a television series, until the newfound mini-mogul realized he could retain the central character’s ineptitude and inherent feminine dishonesty by transposing her character traits onto a whole new sort of “other,” a black male protagonist. (On-set reports indicated that the Lethal Weapon star actually had trouble distinguishing Taye from his former co-star Danny Glover, until a representative for Mr. Diggs courteously stepped in and insisted that Gibson please stop calling his lead “Danny”.)
Regardless, hilarity ensues when papa Taye, in the course of changing diapers, erroneously runs out of Pampers and has to “make do” with a copy of the Ten Commandments. God bless that baby’s bottom!
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White Chicks, feat. Lil Kim
From the New York Post‘s Page Six, June 22, 2004: “. . . THAT Vince Vaughn, Wyclef Jean and Lauren Bush were among the well-heeled celebs who accepted a goodie bag worth $35,000 at Entertainment Weekly‘s “Must List” bash the other night . . .”
That’s great, because we hear. . . THAT a starting salary for Entertainment Weekly‘s editorial assistants is in the neighborhood of $27,000.
Dynamite, get it?
Existing screenwriters/directors to whom Napoleon Dynamite writer/director Jared Hess owes a debt:
Alexander Payne, for his usage of the “everyday”, contemporary America as a cinematic template.
Wes Anderson, for imbuing the quirkiness of characters with a celebratory yet sentimental quality—though not going nearly as overboard as Anderson ultimately does in this regard.
Todd Solondz, for nastily ridiculing the above notions of “the everyday” and “those who are quirky”, as well as “those who are lunkheads”, “jocks”, or otherwise boring as all fuck; knocking them all down a peg or two, and somehow giving an anti-hero hailing from the geeky dregs of mundane life a reason for the filmgoer to actually empathize with them.
Chris Smith (of American Movie and Home Movie fame), for successfully (and effectively) conflating such ridicule and empathy.
Todd Haynes, for utterly nailing the ability to appropriate for appropriation’s sake.
Adam Shankman (of Bringing Down the House infamy), for relying on some really regrettable racial stereotypes. Wow…whites, blacks and latinos are different, get it? Haha!