March 23, 2006
Git 'Er Dumb
Or, Everything I Knows About World Cuisine, I Guesseded From Watching the Trailer for Larry the Cable Guy: Food Inspector

Un-Ironic Sheik: Larry the Cable Guy and Joe Pantoliano (who really should know better).

Indian Food: What, no beef? What'cha'll think? Cows is sacred cows? And dang, this stuff is hot!

Japanese Food: Raw fish? You gots to be kiddin' me, hoss! Maybe if you battered and deep fry that there sashimi I'd eat it. The only fisherman I trust is the Gorton's Fisherman! And that wasabi? Dang, that stuff is hot!

Ethiopian Food: Anybody ever teach ya'll about forks and knives? Maybe if ya'll learned to eat respectabably you might'n't be so dang hungry all the time!

Chinese Food: Spare ribs'r good, boy! But I ain't gonna touch that cum of som yung guy! Dang! I'm hungry again fifteen minutes later, hoss!

Thai Food: If I wanted me some peanuts, I woulda gone to the ballpark, hoss! And dang, this stuff is hot!

Italian Food: Y'all got some catsup for my noodles? And dang, that's a spicy-a meat-a-ball!

Mexican Food: Man, this gives me the toots, boy! And why's that tortilla so flat? So ya'll can slip it under the border when you come here to steal our jobs? And dang, that salsa's hot!

Afghan Food: No way, hoss! Ain't gonna touch it! These colors—and my bowels—don't run!

British Food: This stuff's awful! Dang! How come no one ever mentions how awful this stuff is, hoss?

Pakistani Food: There ain't no difference from that In'jun food, right? And, dang, this stuff is hot!

Korean Food: These kimchis ain't no pickles I've ever seen! And ya'll left 'em in a jar where?

Soul Food: The historical legacy of slavery weighs heavily upon us all. Respect for our fellow man requires that citizens with conscience offer a hand-up—not a hand-out—to level the playing field and eradicate the still painful sting of institutional racism. And, dang, ya'll like some fatty foods, boy! I mean... sir.


Posted in a Desperate fashion.

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