May 5, 2004
Please Kill Me Now: Campaign Quips 2004 (Ohio edition)


Finally, a solution to that most basic of Rove-ian electoral issues: how to make a connection with a completely vapid voting populace? Pick an asinine point and make it. Then, do it again. And again. And again. (God, those poor Secret Service agents. At least we now know those dark sunglasses function largely to shield the public from frequent bouts of eye-rolling.)

Ten points to whomever can correctly identify the recurring theme of the quotes sampled below:

Remarks by the President at Pancake Breakfast, Lucas County, Ohio Recreation Center, Maumee, Ohio, 9:30 A.M. EDT:

I'm sorry Laura is not here. Yes, I know. She was on the bus trip yesterday, but had to go back to Washington because, like me, she is -- she works for the country. She's got something to do. She's got a scheduling conflict. (Laughter.) But I tell you, she sends her love and her best. She is a fabulous First Lady. One of the main reasons -- (applause) -- one of the main reasons to put me back in there -- (laughter) -- is so that Laura has four more years as the First Lady. (Applause.)

Remarks by the President at "ask President Bush" Event, Hara Complex, Dayton, Ohio, 12:32 P.M. EDT:

The good news is, Laura W. Bush wants to serve for four more years, as well. (Applause.) I regret she's not here. I talked to her on the plane earlier this morning. She said to send her very best. She is a -- I'm a lucky guy. She's a great wife, a wonderful mother, and a fabulous First Lady of the United States. (Applause.)

Remarks by the President at the Golden Lamb Inn, Lebanon, Ohio, 2:43 P.M. EDT:

I regret that Laura is not here today. I know it. You drew the short straw. (Laughter.) You know, I really got lucky when she said, "yes." She is a fabulous wife, a great mother, and she's doing a wonderful job as the First Lady of this country. (Applause.) I think she deserves four more years. (Applause.)

Remarks by the President at Ohio Rally, Cincinnati Gardens Arena, Cincinnati, Ohio, 6:48 P.M. EDT:

I wish Laura were here to see this crowd. (Applause.) Listen, a good reason to put me back in there is so she will have four more years as the First Lady. (Applause.) She's a great First Lady. She's a fantastic wife and a great mom and a wonderful First Lady. I'm really proud of her. She sends her best. She sends all her best. She sends her best to all her friends here in Cincinnati.


Remarks by the President at Michigan Rally, Jerome-Duncan Theatre at Freedom Hall, Sterling Heights, Michigan, 8:44 P.M. EDT:

We've had a fabulous day today. It's been somewhat diminished by the fact that Laura had to go home early. No, I know, you drew the short straw. (Laughter.) There's a lot of reasons why I think I need to be reelected. But for certain, one of the most important reasons is to make sure that Laura is the First Lady for four more years. (Audience interruption, inaudible.)

Why is it that after seeing all the "(Laughter)" and "(Applause)" inclusions, I suspect "(Audience interruption, inaudible)" is code for "Get off the stage, you fucking hack?"

Posted in a Grave fashion.

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