December 10, 2003
low culture's Guide to Giving

Sure Dany Levy does a great job attending to the shopping needs of the countless Carrie Bradshaw manques, but who is there to reach out to the rest of us? In this season of gift giving, who knows what to buy those harder-to-reach demographics - the morbidly obese, the neo-neo-cons or post-punk scenesters? low culture is proud to present our first annual guide to giving.

For the hipster doofus in your life…


Now that Von Dutch hats have gone the way of the dodo, whither the fair heads of Williamsburg? The Irish pageboy of course! Once favored by dingy immigrant kids hawking newspapers, shining shoes, or sweeping chimneys, this sweatshop classic is just dˇclassˇ enough to merit appropriation, but still swanky enough to scream “Read all about it!'

For that special someone always whining about sweatshop labor…


Worried about passing muster with that concerned friend? How are you to know if your gift is the product of sweatshop labor, or if it doesn't agree with pesky gluten allergies? The gift of a llama should shut them up. Well it's not for them, exactly, but for some poor, dirty unfortunates whom you don't even have to meet, let alone look at. If you were going to buy a llama today, what would you expect to pay -- $400, maybe $500? Buy it now for the cut-rate price of $150. Presumably the concerned person gets a card or something.

For the “urban' hipster…


Co-opting black culture has never been more fun, or timely! Wake and bake with Little Black Sambo, er, Flavor Flav and his cheeky catch-phrases “Yeaa, boy,' “Yo, G, Yo,' and many others.

For that kid-at-heart pushing thirtysomething…


Underground comics are so underground. The people who buy, read, collect and discuss them - even more underground. But where on earth can you buy something so…underground? You got me.

For the pederast who has everything…


To most prying eyes, this is just another Tinkerbell cookie jar. For those in the know, however, this louche Lolita will be none too happy if you try to snatch away her cookies. Watch the potential sex offender in your life light up with joy as he enjoys supping on this frisky fairy's treats!

For the child who has nothing…


Seriously, you can buy a buffalo, for the surprisingly low price of $250. The Heifer Catalogue also offers the gift of bees but that just seems cruel.

Posted in a Shallow fashion.

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