December 9, 2003
God's Omnipotent Smite List (2nd edition)

god-smite.jpgFirst off, God has been promoted since he last penned a column for us (as a lowly intern, no less) here at low culture last month. That last round of vitriolic sniping was a bit harsh, we felt, but who were we to question His assertions? And again, who are we to nix the latest expression of His wrath, particularly when He functions as supreme being, editor, and comptroller?

Here, then, is God's word, i.e. the word of God:

Thee Who Shalt be Smitten (on the Second Day)
by God, aka Yahweh, aka Allah, aka Buddha, et cetera

1. Rep. Nick Smith, R-Mich: Jesus Christ, Nick (fret not, believers, for I can take my Son's name in vain without fear of retribution). Step up to the plate and let people know who amongst the ranks of House GOP leaders tried to bribe you a few weeks back with that ill-advised Medicare bill. Being omniscient, I know such activity is more or less commonplace, but I trust that you will do what is right. Besides, I can always spread the gospel to Bob Woodward (or Robert Novak), but I'd rather you take some responsibility for yourself before I have to come forward.

2. Sen. Joe Lieberman, D-Conn: Give it up, Joseph. You were never going to get any major endorsements, at least not from anyone in any way related to the Democratic party. Try again in 2008, my friend, when Bush isn't up for re-election and the Republican Party needs new leadership.

3. L. Paul Bremer, again: This is your second warning, Paul. Just because Israel has been excessively hard-line and undemocratic in its dealings with so-called "insurgents" in its "territory," doesn't grant the U.S. occupying force the rationale to emulate, in its own "territory," the Israeli methodology, which has proven spotty, at best, in addressing the region's incessant cycle of human suffering. Turn to some other models for how to stop the ol' human-on-human violence.

4. Insurgents, Terrorists, Fedayeen et al: Seriously, cut this shit out. You're primarily destroying the lives of your own "side," which, last time I checked, wasn't one of founding father Michael Collins's models for practitioners of "successful" terrorism tactics.

5. Michael Dell: Come on, Michael. While your sins aren't nearly as bad as those listed above, please remember that I alone can create replicas in my God-like image. When you go around spawning low grade knock-offs like the Dell DJ, which has got to be the "falsest idol" ever in terms of my beloved iPod prodigy, you tempt fate, and risk a good hard smiting.

Posted in a Grave fashion.

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