Noteworthy salutes by today's top newsmakers

Presidential candidate John Kerry firing up the crowd at last night's Democratic convention

Presidential candidate (and occasional President) George W. Bush at Andrews Air Force base this morning. Military custom apparently requires that the commander-in-chief salutes with his right hand, while holding his dog Barney with his left hand.

Wow, you really did explain this just the other day

It may be the week of John Kerry's ascendacy to the Democratic nomination for the President—a period of time during the presidential campaign where the opposition candidate traditionally lays low—but that doesn't mean the incumbent executive branch's Number 2 isn't hitting the road and campaigning for local candidates. For the past few days, Vice President Dick Cheney (whom we've poked fun at before for his inability to stray from the rote lines of his standard stump speech) has brought his unique form of existential musings out west. Here, the veep ponders the idea of an alternate universe, five discrete times in twenty-four hours:

Remarks Followed by Q&A by the Vice President at a Reception for Congressional Candidates Goli Ameri and Jim Zupancic, Portland, Oregon, July 26, 2004:

But I explained to a group the other day that if it hadn't been for that victory by Dwight Eisenhower in 1952, Lynne would have married somebody else. (Laughter.) And she said, right, and how he'd be Vice President of the United States. (Laughter and applause.)

The Vice President Delivers Remarks at Luncheon for Congressional Candidate Roy Ashburn, Bakersfield, California, July 26, 2004:

And I explained to a group the other day that if it hadn't been for Dwight Eisenhower's victory in 1952, Lynne would have married somebody else. She said, right, and now he'd be Vice President of the United States. (Laughter and applause.)

Remarks Followed by Q&A by the Vice President at a Luncheon for Gubernatorial Candidate Dino Rossi, Kennewick, Washington, July 26, 2004:

But I explained to a group the other night, if it hadn't been for that tremendous election victory by Dwight Eisenhower in 1952, Lynne would have married somebody else. And she said, right, and how he'd be Vice President of the United States. (Laughter and applause.)

The Vice President Delivers Remarks at a Reception for Senatorial Candidate Bill Jones, Riverside, California, July 27, 2004:

I explained to a group the other night if hadn't been for Eisenhower's great victory in 1952, Lynne would have married somebody else. (Laughter.) And she said, right, and now he'd be Vice President of the United States. (Laughter.)

Remarks by the Vice President at a Luncheon for Congressional Candidate John Swallow, Salt Lake City, Utah, July 27, 2004:

I explained to a group the other day that if hadn't been for Dwight Eisenhower's election victory, Lynne would have married somebody else. She said, right, and now he'd be Vice President of the United States. (Laughter and applause.)

EARLIER: Dick Cheney (repeating a different aspect of his stump speech), George W. Bush, and John Kerry

Highlights and noteworthy policy points from John Edwards' acceptance speech at the Democratic Convention last night

We're Just Like Us

As part of our continuing coverage of this year's exciting race for the White House, we asked noted "celebrity body language expert" Patti Wood to provide her unique brand of insight on the "hidden" feelings of politicians as indicated by their physical gestures and maneuvers, but she declined, claiming to be too busy working on an in-depth body language piece for Us Weekly on the recent split between Spiderman 2's Kirsten Dunst and yesterday's it-boy Jake Gyllenhaal.

Ms. Wood's less-successful sister, Cathy, agreed to step in and help us analyze and assess the inner workings of this year's political love lives and goings-on, explaining that she had learned a lot about this process from her older sister. (She did, however, express some dismay about not being able to studiously examine photos of "that total hottie, Jake. I want to touch him.")

Continued after the jump.

"With his hand in the air like that, the President shows he's a decisive leader," says Wood. "Laura's hand, however, seems to be lingering near her husband's nether regions. Is she looking for something that's just not there?"

"The President's daughter Jenna, though she's gazing off in the horizon, shows she loves her father immensely. She's almost reaching for his hand, as though to say, 'Daddy, I love you, and I'll always be here for you,'" says Wood. "Barbara, though, is walking at a distance, glaring at them somewhat resentfully. She hates her father, and loathes her sister even more. 'You're perfect for each other, assholes,' she seems to be thinking."

Sen. John Kerry and his wife Teresa take the field at Boston's Fenway Park to throw the first pitch at a Red Sox game. According to Wood, "She doesn't want to be dragged out into the limelight like this. She's a private woman, and wishes she could just stay in the dugout and talk with the Red Sox manager. Additionally, there's a small boy in the third row who, judging from his posture, seems to hate Sen. Kerry."

"Teresa can't even bear to stand next to her husband," notes Wood. "In fact, she seeks an additional buffer in the form of Sen. Edwards' wife, Elizabeth. 'I hate men, and my husband even more,' she seems to be saying as she ponders leaping from the staircase to the ground below."

"Teresa's pulling her hair away from her face nervously, betraying her innermost terrors and regrets. 'What have I gotten myself into? What happened to that Senator from Pennsylvania with whom I fell in love so long ago? Why did he have to die?'"

Senators Kerry and Edwards together at an event with Sen. Edwards' wife, Elizabeth. Notes Wood, "It looks like Teresa finally wised up and ditched this joint. Her husband's using his hands to illustrate a responsible system of deficit reduction, while Sen. Edwards lasciviously tries to sneak a quickie with Elizabeth. She's whispering into his ear, telling him how much she loves him as she moves her hand lower towards his pelvis. I would guess that's some sort of sexual foreplay for these two."

Sen. Edwards walks with his wife, son, and two daughters. Wood puts forth, "When you make out like that, you end up making babies. And when one of your kids is significantly older, like the daughter to the far right, it's the perfect babysitting setup, which leads to more romantic nights out, which leads to more baby-making. Babiesbabiesbabies!"

Here, the Vice President and his wife, Lynne, joyously clutch their young grandchild, the newborn daughter of their one heterosexual daughter, Elizabeth Cheney. "With the introduction of a new member of the family like this, Lynne is rejoicing, as the pitter-patter of little feet running throughout the house during the holiday period will certainly help fill the void of their loveless, sexless marriage."

"This poor woman. 'You ruthless bastard, why can't you fuck me anymore?'"

Skeet, Skeet, Vote

When you're MTV, and you're inexplicably working with the GOP to galvanize the youth vote, and you're all, "Let's get some kids voting and shit," and they're all, "Bitches, let's get a program going, and we'll get busy on our website, the front page and shit," and you say, "Fuck yeah, we've got this shit right here, check out this fine-ass agendum," then you give 'em an essay contest for young people on "how President Bush's call to service resonates in their lives":

Choose or Lose 2004: "Stand Up and Holla!"

Not having taken part in this inspirational program, we can only take a gander at additional elements and events from the MTV/RNC "Choose or Lose" Program Guide:

"GOP 2004: Get All Up in this Peace"

"Gippa, Please"

"Off the Hizzy, GOPizzy"

"Rock the Hizzouse of Representatives"

"Kerry's Bunk in the Crunk"

"Bust a Cap(ital Punishment)"

"Like Junk in the Trunk? Ni**as get Sunk"

"Niger, Please: I Wanna Sex You Up"

"Please, Hamid, Don't Hurt 'Em"

"Bush 41 got Sonned"

"The Roof, The Roof is on Fire! And the Fire Department's Underfunded!"

"Don't Believe tha Hype... Actually, Believe It. Please."

"Compassionizzle Conservatizzle"

"If I Ruled The World, Actually, I do, so go Fuck Yourself"

"We Skeet on Welfare Bitches, too"

"No Homo"

"Stand Up and Hola! (We welcome Latinos, though)"

And, finally,

"Vote or Die"

They must have used all the letter W's for signs about some other fellow

Offered up at yesterday's Rock the Vote event in Boston: Jerry Springer, Biz Markie, Natalie Portman, Lauryn Hill, Al Sharpton, Howard Dean, and creative usages of an upside-down letter M.

If he loses, there's always 2016

Via Reuters: Democratic presidential candidate John Kerry speaks to Gracie Sabo during a front porch visit in Columbus, Ohio, July 25, 2004.

“Why, hello, there, Gracie! Your mommy was very thoughtful for allowing us to host this event here in your front yard, despite the current President's policies on home ownership and property taxes. In fact, if you add up the true costs of this President's economic policies, you get a Bush Tax of higher property taxes, higher fees, higher health care costs - at the same time middle class incomes are going down. In 32 states, state and local property taxes have gone up. This Bush Tax - Boochy-koochy-koo! - can take $3500 or more from the pockets of America's middle class.

"Awwww, don't cry, little Gracie. Oh, no, no, no. Be a big girl. Think of your mommy: She can't afford four more years of Bush. You know what, though? If this President wants to make this election about taxes after he's cut billions for billionaires and squeezed middle class families, we're ready for that fight. Coochy-coochy-coochy-coo."

We rewrite, you decide, Vol. 5

From the Remarks by the President at the 2004 President's Dinner at the Washington Convention Center, July 21, 2004:

It's now been three and a half years since the Vice President and I took office. We've faced significant challenges. We have met them head-on. I believe it's the President's job to confront problems, not to pass them on to future Presidents and future generations. (Applause.)

From the President's State of the Union Address, January 20, 2004:

In two weeks, I will send you a budget that funds the war, protects the homeland, and meets important domestic needs, while limiting the growth in discretionary spending to less than 4 percent. (Applause.) This will require that Congress focus on priorities, cut wasteful spending, and be wise with the people's money. By doing so, we can cut the deficit in half over the next five years. (Applause.)

According to the Congressional Budget Office, by way of Calpundit, this still means a deficit of anywhere from $240 to $500 billion in 2009.

2009? That means that this deficit is a "problem" that President Bush (regardless of the outcome of this year's election) will certainly not be around to confront.

Applause, please.

She's got her mother's face, and her daddy's respect for the media

This image was taken from the focal point of the Washington Post's most important news story EVER (eclipsing coverage of Samuel Berger's resignation from the Kerry campaign, tomorrow's report by the 9/11 commission, and the Palestinian leadership's current disarray):

"Jenna Bush Sticks Tongue Out at News Photographers"

How does he pull the strings while thumbing his nose like that?

July 15, 2004: Karl Rove "gestures with his hand during a speech saying that Sen. John Kerry thumbed his nose to U.S. troops in Iraq".

July 16, 2004: Op-Ed cartoon by Stuart Carlson

(This remarkable confluence via Dan Froomkin's White House Briefing, the Washington Post, July 20, 2004)