Smile, Birthday Boy!

Turn that frown upside down, Mr. Vice-President! You're 63 years young today!

When you're done with the cake, please pick up your gifts from David Kay, Paul O'Neill, and the Republican party at the White House gates.

(Thanks, Janelle.)

A Fool and His Money

"He broke the law by a multiple of forty."
— Lowell Finley, on Governor Schwarzenegger's $4.5 million campaign loan. (Schwarzenegger Calif. Campaign Loans Ruled Illegal)

Lorne Michaels' New Hampshire

When Howard Dean appeared on "Hardball with Chris Matthews" last night alongside his wife, Judith Steinberg Dean, it seemed as though Matthews might very well have had Saturday Night Live's Darrell Hammond serving as guest-host, judging by the frenetic tenor of the segment's questions. There's no way that questions this shallow could otherwise be accepted as having been asked on a so-called legitimate news program (For what it's worth, neither Bill O'Reilly nor Larry King host legitimate news shows, at least by the time-tested standards of lobbying softballs to sympathetic guests. This is, after all, "Hardball").

While it may be argued that when one interviews a presidential candidate alongside a potential future First Lady–a la Diane Sawyer's similar session with Mr. and Mrs. Dean the other night on ABC–the questions should be more lighthearted and whimsical, this hasn't been the practice (again, check out the transcripts of the Deans' appearance on "PrimeTime Live").

Some highlights of the appearance, in the "so absurd, this borders on Hammond-esque hilarity" category:

CHRIS MATTHEWS, HOST, MSNBC’S “HARDBALL”: Are you a maverick?

DEMOCRATIC CANDIDATE HOWARD DEAN: I don’t know. I say what I think, is that a maverick? I guess I am.

MATTHEWS: (to Judith Steinberg Dean) What’s it like being married to a maverick? Because he is one.

Her response is rendered irrelevant, because you can already picture Matthews' piercing visage seeking out her answer. After her demurring response, Matthews keeps up the absurdly base line of questions. You'd almost think he were interviewing George and Laura Bush with lines like these:

MATTHEWS: Do you ever say to him, “Why are you so gutsy? Why don’t you just go with the crowd on some of these things?”

STEINBERG DEAN: Absolutely not. He is who he is, he’s really really honest, you call it gutsy, I call it honest. I just think he says what he thinks.

MATTHEWS: Do you ever feel like your husband is being treated like a transfer student by the establishment? Like when you go to a new high school and everyone says “who’s this kid?”

STEINBERG DEAN: I think he is a bit of an outsider, but I think he’s very smart and people will hear what he has to say.

MATTHEWS: Do you ever say to him when you go to bed at night, “You should really cool it on that one?”

STEINBERG DEAN: (laughs)

DEAN: She’s being modest, the answer is yes.

Governor Dean does get in one gentle swipe at the First-Lady-as-delicate-wallflower image, however:

MATTHEWS: The President runs the West Wing, which is the business of government, and the First Spouse runs the state dinners, travel with foreign dignitaries... a lot of business, the First Lady has a big staff. Are you open to playing that role? Are you happy about it?

DEAN STEINBERG: We haven’t really spoken specifically about what role I’d play, but I’d certainly have to do some of the ceremonial duties and I think I’d probably get a lot of help with the business.

MATTHEWS: You have to decide things like whether they have dinner outside with a bigger tent, or in the East room...

DEAN: No, she doesn’t have to decide that stuff. She has to show up, but she’s going to be practicing medicine most of the time. She is going to do some state dinners, but there are people you pay to do that stuff. You know, social hostesses and all that.

Here's hoping this "invisible wife" motif works as a nice, centrist compromise between the past models of Hillary "vast, right-wing conspiracy" Clinton and Laura "I have no right brain, nor left brain" Bush.

It's funny because it's true!

Ahhh, 'tis January in an election year- and such a time of great merriment in our nation's capital! Or so one might think after taking note of various politicos' comments this weekend at Saturday's Alfalfa Club dinner, an annual event at which so-called Washington insiders customarily crack wise about various Capitol Hill goings-on. What follows are some samples of this year's notable jokes.

President Bush on Howard Dean:

"Boy, that speech in Iowa was something else," Bush said, referring to Howard Dean's field holler after placing third in the caucuses Monday. "Talk about shock and awe. Saddam Hussein felt so bad for Governor Dean that he offered him his hole."

President Bush on John Kerry:

"Then we have Senator Kerry. I think Kerry's position on the war in Iraq is politically brilliant. In New Hampshire yesterday, he stated he had voted for the war, adding that he was strongly opposed to it."

Vernon Jordan, President Clinton's former right-hand man, on President Bush:

"Mr. President, I feel like I'm at one of your Cabinet meetings -- a blind man in a room full of deaf people. . . . let me take a moment, regardless of whether we are Christian, Jew or Muslim, and thank the Almighty, the one who controls our destiny as a nation -- Karl Rove."

Ok, we get it. Much like the annual speeches at the White House Correspondents' Dinner, the Alfalfa Club event is an opportunity to gently poke fun at national issues and figures. Both on and off the record, if you will.

Previous dinners, however, have featured a heavy dosage of self-reflexive humor, typified by a few of President Clinton's choice snippets of years past:

Clinton on Clinton, 1997:

"We must find common ground. We are going to build that bridge to the 21st century -- yadda, yadda, yadda."

Clinton on Clinton, 2000:

''A year from now, I'll have to watch someone else give this speech. And I will feel an onset of that rare affliction, unique to former presidents. AGDD: Attention-Getting Deficit Disorder.''

As far as the present administration is concerned, the only snippets of self-reflection I could find in this weekend's public comments came courtesy of the notoriously reclusive Vice President Dick Cheney:

"Am I the evil genius in the corner that nobody ever sees come out of his hole?" he added. "It's a nice way to operate, actually."

Except these weren't jocular comments presented at the Alfalfa Club dinner, but rather, remarks made to the press after Cheney's appearance at the World Economic Forum annual meeting in Davos. Ha!

Unintentionally Hilarious Photo of the Moment, vol. 14

Political bedfellows, President Bush and Pete Domenici demonstrate their defense of marriage

[Thanks Janelle & Chloe]

Unintentionally Insulting Photo of the Moment, vol. 1

Ha ha! It's so funny when politicians pretend to have jobs.

Sidebar: Keep your eyes open for Dennis Miller to riff on this photo when his show premieres on Monday. ("Welsey Clark dropped out of the campaign Thursday and returned to his day job..." "General Wesley Clark attempts to skirt the McCain-Feingold regulations with a soft money donation... Hey, I'm still relevant, cha-chi! Did I tell you I starred in Tales from the Crypt: Bordello of Blood? Helllo? Little help. Anyone?")

The "Unelectable" Impasse

Three days ago, Sen. John Kerry's frontrunner-then-nobody-then-frontrunner campaign for the presidency "upset" the powerful lead that former Vermont governor Howard Dean had built up in the race for the Democratic candidacy in 2004. Pundits were startled, and the centrist DLC breathed a sigh of relief. Buried somewhere within this larger story was the surprise candidacy of boyish John Edwards.

And then, of course, there were the candidates' post-caucus speeches. While everyone has been spewing snark about Dean's James Brown imitation, even setting his "mad rantings" to outdated mid-to-late-1990s dance beats, few people have been commenting on Kerry's oh-so-tepid, and oh-so-centrist, victory speech. As far as I can tell, there were no illicit MP3s circulating that featured Kerry droning on about special interests over a score by Philip Glass.

With that in mind, it might be good to gain a sense of perspective here, a few days after the fact.

Today, before New Hampshire's primary next week, Kerry is "up" in the state's polls, which can realistically be attributed to both his home state's geographic proximity and, more significantly, to the jokes and ridicule leveled against Dean, his closest competitor in that state up to this point, both in terms of polling and geography.

Is this really a good thing for Democrats of any stripe? Take another look at the candidates' Monday-night speeches. Reconsider how passionless Kerry appeared onstage, on this, what should have been the most inspiring night of his decades-long political career. It was, instead, like watching Gore sighing in the October 2000 debates. Dead. Lifeless. Unwatchable.

Contrast Kerry's discussion with Charlie Rose, I mean, his victory speech, with Dean's energy and enthusiasm just a few minutes prior:

"Not only are we going to New Hampshire ... we're going to South Carolina and Oklahoma and Arizona and North Dakota and New Mexico," Dean said with his voice rising. "We're going to California and Texas and New York. We're going to South Dakota and Oregon and Washington and Michigan. Then we're going to Washington D.C. to take back the White House."

Then, of course, to the delight of humorists everywhere, these lines culminated in the release of an animalistic "yowl" of sorts. But, dammit, was it not inspiring? Monday night was the first time in maybe two years or more of watching his candidacy that I genuinely felt a connection with the man's drive to win. This, incidentally, comes from someone who has long been decrying the manner in which Dean has been presenting himself for the past few months. You know, "angry", "off the cuff", "red-faced", and most damningly, "unelectable".

But who's kidding whom here? With Kerry at the helm of the Democratic Party in 2004, defeat is just as inevitable as it would be with Dean spearheading the race for the presidency. You'll recall how close the 2000 election was, and that was back when incumbent Vice-President Al Gore was riding the wave of years of success and surplus, while Bush merely had the "uniter, not a divider" outsider approach going for him, however inaccurate either of those synopses may have been in reality. And Gore was supposedly a Southern Democrat, to boot.

In terms of policies alone, Kerry (and, for that matter, the plug-and-play John Edwards) is effectively Howard Dean in a different package. Centrist, politically moderate, but with far less attitude, and far less of a genuine public persona...in short, far less personality. Oh, and Kerry is a former military man.

But for all practical purposes, they're both unelectable this fall. Four years ago, when a cowboy from Texas-by-way-of-Connecticut spent time on his campaign belligerently avoiding questions, sneering, calling reporters assholes, and fending off drinking-and-driving charges––but nonetheless managed to just about legitimately win the election––it might make sense to reconsider Dean's "unelectable" "anger". What is anger, if not passion? John "Monotone" Kerry comes off as more robotic than Gore did in 2000, if that's possible. And perhaps that's why he was polling so poorly for months on end, until an endless series of attacks on Dean's anger and unelectability derailed a clean win in Iowa Monday night.

Seen through this light, Howard Dean can still win this thing, both next week, this spring, and in the fall. Just ask Karl Rove: media and personality decide elections in the 21st century, not experience, not policies, not ideology.

Put it this way: they're effectively the same candidates, despite what the media or the DLC might have you believe, except one guy's got an almost Clintonian passion for getting elected, while the other embarrassed himself––and the entire Democratic party––by awkwardly riding a souped-up motorcycle onto the set of The Tonight Show with Jay Leno. The guy even wore a helmet obscuring his face, which, while certainly promoting responsible vehicular safety policies, nonetheless obscured his face.

Joe Trippi, David Letterman, or John Stewart would never have allowed that shit.

And if worse comes to worse, and we're going to lose this fall, let's lose with principled pride, at least. Go Kucinich!

Article Most Likely to be found via Google very late one night soon

Michelangelo Signorile brings the gay fire and brimstone down on Veep daughter Mary Cheney in this week's New York Press. Calling Mary out for not speaking out against her father's (and his proxy, the President's) retrosexual anti-gay politics, Signorile turns in this phrase, which is sure to set off all sorts Google hits for The Press (and, regrettably, for us):

"So let’s get to the point: What the hell happened to you? Are you just another spoiled rich brat—the lesbian Paris Hilton—worried about getting a chunk of those 30 million Halliburton bucks should Dad’s heart conk out?"

Maybe those intrepid surfers who find the article quite by accident (Hello, Mr. Denby!) will put their hands to better use and write a letter to their Congressman or woman against this proposal.

Where Editors Fear to Tread

Col Allen, closet E.M. Forster fan?

Zagat Guide, 2004: State of the Union address

In which lines that were spoken and events which transpired during President Bush's January 20, 2004 address to Congress stand in for local restaurants:

Lines which, when spoken, lead Bush to stare directly into the camera
13 instances, i.e. 13 discrete messages conveyed to his supporters, i.e. 13 soundbites created for the news recaps
0 - 0 - 0 - $$$$

"We ended the rule of Saddam Hussein and...the people of Iraq are free"..."The United States of America will never be intimidated by thugs and assassins"..."America will never seek a permissions slip to defend the security of our country"..."We will finish the historic work of democracy in Afghanistan and Iraq so those nations can light the way for others and help transform a troubled part of the world"..."We understand our special calling...this great republic will lead the cause of freedom"..."This economy is strong, and growing stronger"..."Unless you act, Americans face a tax increase"..."I urge you to pass legislation to modernize our electricity system, promote conservation, and make America less dependent on foreign sources of energy"..."Any attempt to limit the choices of seniors or to take away their prescription drug coverage under Medicare will meet my veto"..."Drug use in high school has declined by 11 percent over the last two years. 400,000 fewer young people are using drugs than in the year 2001"..."Tonight I call on team owners, union representatives, coaches and players, to take the lead, to send the right signal, to get tough, and to get rid of steroids now"..."Abstinence for young people is the only certain way to avoid sexually transmitted diseases"..."Activist judges, however, have begun redefining marriage by court order, without regard for the will of the people and their elected representatives...Our nation must defend the sanctity of marriage."

Lines which, when spoken, lead CNN's cameras to focus on Sen. Ted Kennedy (D) and his various scowls
3 instances in which this occurred, conveying liberals' disgust with Bush's statements
0 - 0 - 0 - $$$$

"The bill you passed gave prescription drug benefits to seniors"..."Had we failed to act, the dictator's weapons of mass destruction programs would continue to this day"..."Starting this year, millions of Americans will be able to save money, tax-free, for their medical expenses in a health savings account."

Lines which, when spoken, invoked the presence of Karl Rove
1 instance in which this occurred, spoken offscreen, as Bush entered the building and picked up and hugged Rep. Jesse Jackson Jr.'s (D) braided-haired, cute, and, most significantly, black three-year-old daughter
0 - 0 - 0 - $$$$

"There's the shot of the night."

Usages of the thematic mantra "Unless you act"
7 instances in which this occurred, reinforcing Bush's attempt to exert legislative pressure in this, his address to Congress
0 - 0 - 0 - $$$$

"Congress has some unfinished business on the issue of taxes. The tax reductions you passed are set to expire, unless you act...unless you act...unless you act...the unfair tax on marriage will go back up. Unless you act, millions of families will be charged $300 more in federal taxes for every child. Unless you act, small business will pay higher taxes. Unless you act, the death tax will eventually come back to life. Unless you act, Americans face a tax increase."

Lines which not-so-cleverly deflected the failure to locate Iraqi WMD's while deceptively linking the War in Iraq with the War on Terror
1 lengthy series of sentences
0 - 0 - 0 - $$$$

"The terrorists were still training and plotting in other nations and drawing up more ambitious plans. The terrorists and their supporters declared war on the United States, and war is what they got. Some in this chamber and our country did not support the liberation of Iraq. Objections to war often come from principled motives. But let us be candid about the consequences of leaving Saddam Hussein in power. We're seeking all the facts. Already the Kay report identified dozens of weapons of mass destruction related program activities and significant amounts of equipment that Iraq concealed from United Nations. Had we failed to act, the dictator's weapons of mass destruction programs would continue to this day. Had we failed to act, Security Council resolutions on Iraq would have been revealed as empty threats, weakening the United Nations and encouraging defiance by dictators around the world. Iraq's torture chambers would still be filled with victims, terrified and innocent. The killing fields of Iraq, where hundreds of thousands of men and women and children vanished into the sands, would still be known only to the killers. For all who love freedom and peace, the world without Saddam Hussein's regime is a better and safer place."

Lines in which President Bush unintentionally provided fodder for his critics
2 instances in which this occurred, the first line serving as a possible double entendre in terms of referencing Bush's spending policies and the budget deficit; the second line (by way of a poorly-timed pause in his speech) embarrassingly changing the meaning of Bush's statements
0 - 0 - 0 - $$$$

"These numbers confirm that the American people are using their money far better than government would have, and you were right to return it"..."Key provisions of the PATRIOT Act are set to expire next year..." (This pregnant pause triggers clapping from the Democratic side of the chamber, and, subsequently, some laughter as Bush's intended message has suddenly been co-opted. Bush looks confused for a fleeting second.)

Lines spoken by Bush which indicated that the business of America is business, not people
1 instance in which this occurred, showing that Bush doesn't understand that rather than fault Americans for not being willing to earn sub-minimum wages for janitorial work, perhaps we might consider a "living wage" solution, given the fact that 3 million Americans have lost their jobs since Bush took office
0 - 0 - 0 - $$$$

"Tonight I also ask you to reform our immigration laws, so they reflect our values and benefit our economy. I propose a new temporary worker program to match willing foreign workers with willing employers when no Americans can be found to fill the job. This reform will be good for our economy, because employers will find needed workers in an honest and orderly system."

Lines spoken by Bush which lead CNN's producers to cut to a shot of an administration official who, a few years prior, had done just what the President cautioned against
1 instance in which this occurred, where, after Bush spoke this line, CNN unironically cut to a shot of Rod Paige, the administration's Secretary of Education, who ascended to this job after the supposed success of the Houston public school system over which he presided as superintendent, a success which, a few years later, turned out to be a series of mistruths and inaccuracies regarding encouraging students who were underperforming to "be shuffled", i.e., drop out, rather than continue their troubled education
0 - 0 - 0 - $$$$

"Testing is the only way to identify and help students who are falling behind. This nation will not go back to the days of simply shuffling children along from grade to grade without them learning the basics. I refuse to give up on any child, and the No Child Left Behind act is opening up the door of opportunity to all of America's children."

Lines spoken by Bush which lead CNN's producers to cut to a shot of an elected official who equated homosexuality with bestiality
1 instance in which this occurred, where, after Bush spoke this line, CNN cut to a shot of Sen. Rick Santorum (R), noted critic of homosexuality
0 - 0 - 0 - $$$$

"Activist judges, however, have begun redefining marriage by court order, without regard for the will of the people and their elected representatives...Our nation must defend the sanctity of marriage."

Lines spoken before Bush spilled water on Vice-President Cheney
1 instance, at the close of his address, after which Bush turned to shake Dennis Hastert's hand, then Dick Cheney's, in the process causing water to be spilled all over Cheney's folder and paperwork
0 - 0 - 0 - $$$$

"May God continute to bless America."