The Search is On!

Brooklyn boy done good, Patrick J. Fitzgerald has been named special counsel, heading up the investigation into who leaked the name of CIA agent Valerie Plame to the press.

Fitgerald was actually Attorney General John Ashcroft's second choice after former All-American (and Heisman trophy winner) O.J. Simpson. Simpson declined the role to continue the search for his wife's real killer.

Simpson and Fitzgerald are both scheduled to complete their inquiries two months from never.

Lists, 2003: The Year in Left-wing Conspiracy Theories

In last week's year-end "lists" issue of the LA Weekly, Joshuah Bearman put forth a wonderful compendium of "Real Names of Classified Concepts in the Military Planning Document 'Air Force 2025''. The list is disturbing, to say the least, in that it's really, really hard to pinpoint whether or not this list is satirical in scope or merely an illustration of some of the foolish ways in which our tax dollars are spent.

For instance, is the catalog number for military research into these destructive projects really limited to a six-digit range? One would have thought that former Defense Secretary Dick Cheney alone could have brought at least 100,000 ideas to the table when his administration took office. Anyway, here's Bearman's list, included below in its entirety:

No. 900481: Destructo Swarmbots

No. 200015: Distortion Field Projector

No. 200023: Surveillance Swarm

No. 900258: Oxygen Sucker

No. 900299: Hunter-Killer Attack Platform

No. 900336: Cloaking

No. 900364: Bionic Eye

No. 900522: Space-Based A.I.-Driven Intelligence Master Mind System

No. 900288: Swarms of Micro-Machines

And INCAPACATTACK: The Strings of the Puppet Master

We here at low culture think the editors of AlterNet, that wacky left-wing "news and opinion" site, have missed a golden opportunity here to follow up on Bearman's piece above and spew forth some wild, ill-researched conspiracy theories on this past weekend's devastating Iranian earthquake.

Included forthwith, "Classified, but Extant, Weapons for Eliminating Axis-of-Evil Nations":

1. No-fault WMD Insurance
2. The Flatline
3. Detonatron 2000
4. Andre 3000 ("shake it like a Polaroid picture")

3,000 Americans did not die this weekend

I've been in Los Angeles, away from any form of regular internet access, for a little more than a week now, but, I swear...didn't I hear something about roughly 25,000 Iranian people dying this weekend? I mean, I couldn't have imagined that, right?

Based on an assessment of the major dailies' headlines and a perusal of the cable news networks' coverage, reporting on this natural disaster seems to have nearly dried up. With only a handful of exceptions, there's been no indefatigable documentation of scores of volunteers sifting through the rubble, trying to locate loved ones and instead turning up dead bodies. Does anyone know the Farsi word for "telegenic"?

Earlier this weekend, however (when not watching the "People on CNN" coverage of Nicole Kidman's resilience in the face of divorce), I may have seen a snippet or two regarding "thousands dead in Iranian quake" and then some closing commentary about President Bush's willingness to send humanitarian aid-despite that nation's being on "the axis of evil," as the commentators consistently reminded viewers when fleetingly discussing the massive amounts of deaths.

I guess I missed the correlation there. It couldn't possibly be as base and simplistic a matter as "we Americans are helping those whom we have unilaterally declared to be our enemies," right? And it most certainly couldn't have been some second-tier implication of "they deserved it"?

We all ought to be thankful that this was an act of God and not the work of evil-doers, and that Iran isn't under the sway of any sort of Christian sense of vengeance, lest we should see Ayatollah Ali Khamenei and the democratically elected, though effectively useless, President Mohammad Khatami declare an endless "War on Seismology".

Look out, faultlines.

Finally, a state emergency befitting a former action star

via Reuters: California Town Digs Out After Powerful Quake

"Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger declared a state of emergency on Tuesday for the central California county hardest hit by the state's strongest earthquake in four years, freeing up disaster aid for education healthcare reconstruction."

(Some liberties may have been taken with Reuters' original wording above.)

Bentsen; Hollings; Tsongas; Dean

Not since Homer Simpson showed off his Starland Vocal Band tattoo have I seen such impetuous inking as this Howard Dean tattoo. C'mon, man: the guy doesn't even have the nomination yet—and he may never get it—yet you'll have that tattoo for life. Try explaining how Dean seized the anti-war in Iraq fervor and the internet to your grandkids: "What's a Iraq?" "What's a Internet?" they'll ask from their robot overlords-issued hovering oxygen-chamber/multi-media jungle gym Orgone accumulators.

It reminds me of this old Norman Rockwell image, "Tattoo Artist (Only Skin Deep)", that depicts a sailor getting his sweetheart's name tattooed on his bicep just below the crossed-out names of several old sweethearts.

Here are some links about tattoo removal:
How Stuff Works: Tattoo Removal
BBC Health
Patient Info


[Link via Boing Boing]

Is "This Woman" the new "you people"?

From Thurmond Family Struggles With Difficult Truth, by Jeffrey Gettleman (The New York Times, Dec. 20, 2003):

"It's been really hard this week... You have to turn on the TV and there are jokes about him and you're still grieving. I just hope this woman is coming out for the right reasons."— Robyn Bishop, 25, Strom Thurmond's great-niece.

"The man's dead, and he can't speak for himself... I don't know why this lady is doing this."— James Bishop, 59, Thurmond's nephew.

Um, try callling her "Aunt Essie." It may make everyone feel better.

Sidebars: 1. "I went to a church meeting the other day and all these people came up to me and you could tell they didn't know what to say...For the first time in my life, I felt shame."— Mary T. Thompkins Freeman, Thurmond's niece. She didn't feel shame when he filibustered for 24 hours against civil rights?
2. "Mr. Thurmond Jr., known as Lil' Strom and Stromboli..." Stromboli!

Christmas in (Next) October

Last week, former Secretary of State Madeleine Albright set off a tempest in a FOX News greenroom by suggesting that the Bush administration may have already captured Osama bin Laden and will reveal him as an "October surprise" to help win the 2004 Presidential election.

Albright quickly recanted, saying that she was being "tongue-in-cheek" (no doubt griping that no one ever gets her jokes!). But in an exclusive interview with low culture, Madame Secretary told us about several other things the Bush administration are strategically holding back in order to bolster George Bush's chances next year:

1. 2 Million jobs—good ones.
2. Higher minimum wage.
3. Enough Inverted Jennys for every American.
4. New Tupac album.
5. Freaks and Geeks DVD with extras.
6. New bikes for everyone who wants one.
7. Your remote control.
8. JFK assassination documents—the real ones.
9. Full frontal photos of Britney Spears.
10. The Bill of Rights.

It's been a great week for Americans, and, no, this has nothing to do with Saddam

This week, fans of rational and democratically-protected civil liberties had many reasons to rejoice (or at least, wait with bated breath until the inevitable appeals process begins) as federal courts issued three striking rejoinders to Big, Bad, and Powerful Interests–notably, King George and the RIAA.

Seriously, try smiling, just this once. Because, realistically, we all know it will be frown season again when November 2004 rolls around.

1. Court: Gitmo suspects need lawyers

In another legal setback for the Bush administration, a federal appeals court has concluded terrorist suspects held in secret U.S. custody on foreign soil deserve access to lawyers and the American legal system.

...The 9th Circuit [ruled that] "even in times of national emergency -- indeed, particularly in such times -- it is the obligation of the judicial branch to ensure the preservation of our constitutional values and to prevent the executive branch from running roughshod over the rights of citizens and aliens alike. ... We hold that no lawful policy or precedent supports such a counter-intuitive and undemocratic procedure."

2. Court Rules Bush Cannot Hold Padilla As "Enemy Combatant"

In New York, a divided court ruled that President Bush lacked the authority to indefinitely detain Jose Padilla - a U.S. citizen - simply by declaring him "an enemy combatant."

The majority of the three-judge panel ruled that while Congress might have the power to authorize the detention of an American, the president, acting on his own, did not. Padilla has been held in solitary confinement for 18 months without access to a lawyer or the courts. No charges have been filed against Padilla who is a US citizen born in Brooklyn.

3. Record Industry May Not Subpoena Online Providers

The recording industry cannot compel an Internet service provider to give up the names of customers who trade music online without judicial review, a federal appeals court in Washington ruled today.

The sharply worded ruling, which dismissed one industry argument by saying that it "borders on the silly," is a blow to the music companies in the online music wars. It overturns a decision in federal district court that favored the industry and ordered Verizon Communications to disclose the identity of a subscriber based on simple subpoenas submitted to a court clerk.

B.F.F. (Best Friends Forashortwhile)

While conventional wisdom encourages bitter veterans of failed relationships to dispose of incriminating love letters and other such mementos, Donald Rumsfeld sure has proven to be quite the obstinate paramour. Or maybe they just forgot to throw these letters in the big Republican fireplace?

Today's Washington Post runs a feature by Dana Priest examining newly-declassified (don't you loooove that shit?) documentation of the Reagan administration's stances on All Things Saddam, and, in particular, the efforts of special envoy Donald Rumsfeld, who supposedly experimented with Bilateralism in the '80s (hey--who didn't?).

When details of Rumsfeld's December trip came to light last year, the defense secretary told CNN that he had "cautioned" Saddam Hussein about the use of chemical weapons, an account that was at odds with the declassified State Department notes of his 90-minute meeting, which did not mention such a caution. Later, a Pentagon spokesman said Rumsfeld raised the issue not with Hussein, but with Aziz...Privately, however, the administrations of Reagan and George H.W. Bush sold military goods to Iraq, including poisonous chemicals and deadly biological agents, worked to stop the flow of weapons to Iran, and undertook discreet diplomatic initiatives, such as the two Rumsfeld trips to Baghdad, to improve relations with Hussein.

Additionally, the following romantic missives were gleaned from the oh-so-sexy National Security Archive at the George Washington University:

During the spring of 1984 the U.S. reconsidered policy for the sale of dual-use equipment to Iraq's nuclear program, and its "preliminary results favor[ed] expanding such trade to include Iraqi nuclear entities" [Document 57]. Several months later, a Defense Intelligence Agency analysis said that even after the war ended, Iraq was likely to "continue to develop its formidable conventional and chemical capability, and probably pursue nuclear weapons" [Document 58]. (Iraq is situated in a dangerous neighborhood, and Israel had stockpiled a large nuclear weapons arsenal without international censure. Nuclear nonproliferation was not a high priority of the Reagan administration - throughout the 1980s it downplayed Pakistan's nuclear program, though its intelligence indicated that a weapons capability was being pursued, in order to avert congressionally mandated sanctions. Sanctions would have impeded the administration's massive military assistance to Pakistan provided in return for its support of the mujahideen fighting the Soviet occupation of Afghanistan.)

...Later in the month, the State Department briefed the press on its decision to strengthen controls on the export of chemical weapons precursors to Iran and Iraq, in response to intelligence and media reports that precursors supplied to Iraq originated in Western countries. When asked whether the U.S.'s conclusion that Iraq had used chemical weapons would have "any effect on U.S. recent initiatives to expand commercial relationships with Iraq across a broad range, and also a willingness to open diplomatic relations," the department's spokesperson said "No. I'm not aware of any change in our position. We're interested in being involved in a closer dialogue with Iraq" [Document 52].

Iran had submitted a draft resolution asking the U.N. to condemn Iraq's chemical weapons use. The U.S. delegate to the U.N. was instructed to lobby friendly delegations in order to obtain a general motion of "no decision" on the resolution. If this was not achievable, the U.S. delegate was to abstain on the issue. Iraq's ambassador met with the U.S. ambassador to the U.N., Jeane Kirkpatrick, and asked for "restraint" in responding to the issue - as did the representatives of both France and Britain.

Sadly, none of the various cables and telegrams posted on the publicly available website archive contain any of the purportedly hand-lettered notebook scribblings, "Mr. Donald Hussein, Mr. Donald Rumsfeld Hussein, Mr. Donald Rumsfeld-Hussein..."

Although some of those blottings do recall cupid's arrows. Hope they're not poison-tipped, ba-dum!

S.O.D. Off

Since we here at low culture pride ourselves on being narrowly focused—as opposed to being interested in all of the cultural offerings presented at this time of year—we decided to do our year-end "best of" list all about one film, director Errol Morris' Fog of War.

Not ones to be pushed around by Harvey Weinstein and his freelance prestige-film army, we decided we'd let ourselves fall in lock step behind the producers of Fog of War (and the good people at The Week, who invited us to an advance screening of the documentary).

Best Unintentional Analogy to Current Events: Morris has said he initially began to rigorously pursue interviewing former Defense Secretary Robert McNamara after he released his semi-confessional book, "In Retrospect: The Tragedy and Lessons of Vietnam," in the mid-1990s. In other words, well before obscure conceits such as "chads" and "Texas Rangers owner" and "staying the peace in Iraq" entered the mainstream lexicon. The 20 hours of on-camera interviews Morris eventually secured with McNamara took place after the events of September 11th, 2001, but up to and during the American invasion of Iraq, giving the resultant conversations about the unilateralist war in Vietnam a tone of eerie prescience. "In retrospect," indeed.

De-classified Oval Office recordings used in the film's coverage of early 1964 suggest, however, that contrary to those who tarred Vietnam solely as "McNamara's War," it was President Lyndon B. Johnson who, a handful of months after his predecessor's November 1963 assassination in Dallas, began pressuring his inherited Secretary of Defense to take a course of action in southeast Asia. Perhaps, 40 years from now, some enterprising filmmaker will release documentation asserting that McNamara's current counterpart, Donald Rumsfeld, reluctantly spent the past few years succumbing to his superiors' ill-advised wishes regarding the present-day "Middle East Makeover". Or perhaps not.

Best Presidential Indictment by way of De-Classified Archival Footage: Revelatory anecdotes such as those mentioned above come to light through the release of Kennedy and Johnson administration documents and tape recordings made up through 1965. And earlier in the film, when McNamara discusses his advisory role in the aerial bombardment of Japan in the second World War, the suggestion of sorrow we hear in his voice is visually punctuated by footage of bombs being dropped from B-series bombers (in cinematic terms, the wide angle shot) and the tragedies which resulted: footage of Japanese cities in flames, alongside descriptions of the 100,000 people who died in a single night as a result of these firebombs (the close-up).

You witness a single bomb being dropped from its bay, and then you wait, and wait, and wait, as the plane's camera records the bomber's flight above the earth below, and the descent of the bomb in question, and you wait some more as you eye the terrain which scrolls beneath you like an unfurled parchment, because you know at any moment, that bomb from a handful of seconds ago will hit the ground. And it will be terrible. And much like that parchment, Japan will burn. (Some brief samples of this footage can be seen on the film's website.)

Best Usage of Special Effects and 3D Software to Convey Mortality (and Morality): Prefacing these disturbing bombing sequences, McNamara relates his experiences serving as one of the chief architects for WWII's lethal bombardments, contextualizing the process as one of working within the confines of efficiency and proportionality. What is the value of one human death? How many people, innocent or otherwise, need to die to safely ensure that your side emerges victorious? If 100,000 people burn to death in one city, in one night, is this equivalent to annihilating the entire city of Cleveland? Nagasaki? Boston? Osaka? Los Angeles? Would we miss midtown New York if it were to be gone tomorrow?

In a very stirring illustration of the solemnity, and, perhaps, the cynicism of this sort of decision-making, Morris unveils a bomber's cargo bay looming far above the ground below. As its payload is dropped, we see not bombs, but numbers which hurl themselves upon the landscape: the calculus of death, if you will. If this sounds didactic, it is, but in the very best sense of that word's meaning.

Worst Usage of Cliche-Ridden "Tipping Dominoes" Analogy (Honorable Mention): This almost speaks for itself, but here's some clarification on the matter. Picture a map of southeast Asia sprawled across a horizontal plane. Then take note of the neatly aligned rows of dominoes standing tall above this map. Then witness someone topple the first few dominoes, while McNamara's archival voice speaks of consequences both intended and unintended, and the unpredictable nature of events, and watch those dominoes tumble and fall, before righting themselves again much later in the film as the same footage is played in reverse while McNamara narrates the events surrounding his "apology" for the war.

This last device noticeably stands out amidst the emotional resonance of the rest of the film, and almost comes off as very moving, but that's probably just the repercussions of Philip Glass's moody and reflective score.

We hope you enjoyed our 2003 "Best of" list! Check back next winter for our year-end thoughts on 2004's Jonathan Demme remake of The Manchurian Candidate.